My 10 year old came up to me the other day, out of no where and said, "I want to change my name to Carmen." Ummm....okay. I laughed and said, "It's a pretty name. Are you trying to go 100% Puerto Rican?" She said, "No. I just like that name." I tried to figure out why she wants to change her name. She is trying to assert her independence and figure out her place in this world and forming her identity. I asked her why she wanted to change her name all of a sudden. She shrugged, "People never say my name right and it's hard to spell." Whatever. "When you are an adult and you want to change your name, you can. But, I am not calling you Carmen. That is not your name."
Do you know what her response was? "Why do you hate Puerto Ricans?" I had to laugh out loud. I just married a Puerto Rican because I hate them so much, you know. My kids are Puerto Rican but we have no cultural traditions at all. I used to try to get my husband to tell my kids about being Puerto Rican and he is not helpful at all. He just shrugs. He'll say things like, "They go to pride parades and hang Puerto Rican flags in their living rooms." He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish. I know more Spanish than he does because I used to work with Mexicans. We live away from his family, so they aren't around Puerto Ricans. I try. I did buy them this book:
The author's name is Carmen. haha. The only things my kids know about Puerto Ricans are the following:
1. They like to eat rice A LOT. 2. They use a lot of Sazon in their food. 3. They drink Malta. If you have never tried malta, just open a can of green beans, drain out the water and then drink it. Malta = green bean water. 4. They really like the song Suavamente. That's about it. My mother in law is moving to our city this week and I'm hoping she will teach them a little Spanish and about Puerto Rican culture. We fail.
Anyway, back to the name change. We went back and forth. She was so mad. "I can change my name if I want." I shook my head, "I am not going to start calling you Carmen. I like your name. I picked it." She protested some more. Finally, I said, "Look - I'll call you Carmen but only if you agree to call me Linda." She pouted, "Why would I call you Linda? You're mom." "Yes, I WAS mom, but now I want to be called Linda." She cried, "I am not calling you Linda. That's not your name." I proved my point. "See? Now do you understand why I don't want to call you Carmen?" She gave me a dirty look. "You're the worst!" I am the worst. I'm not even ashamed of it.
I have been so out of the loop. I am just busy and tired. I am so glad the end of July is almost here. I am tired of my kid's birthdays. Bad Mom Award. Seriously, we threw parties for 3 Saturdays in a row. I am so over it. I don't want to see another cake, or wrapping paper or balloon for a long time. Don't get me wrong- I love my kids and am happy to celebrate their births but I spent way too much time and money on birthdays this year.
July being over means that school starts soon, which I have mixed feelings about. I love the idea of being back on a regular schedule and not having to make lunches but I kind have liked this summer. It's flown by. Besides, I really am dreading back to school shopping and getting my kids up at 6 am. All good things must come to an end.
This is the time of year that my kids decide on Halloween costumes. That's because they usually want to be something crazy and obscure that I have to make by hand and it takes like 3 months. I was dreading what they were going to come up with. They had been talking about being characters from Raymans Legends:
Thank God they forgot about that. My oldest said, "I want to be a nerd." I laughed, "Well, you don't need to dress up for that." haha. I meant it in good fun. Bad Mom Award. My youngest wants to be a dead cheerleader. I am over the moon that I don't have to painstakingly sew costumes this year. I want to celebrate. We were having the discussion about it at AC Moore and my little one began to sing, "Give me a D-D, give me an E-E, give me an A-A, give me a T-T, give me an H-H - What's that spell? DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!" She had her hands in the air and did a little jump with each death declaration. Everyone turned and looked at her like she was insane. I whispered to her, "Next time, don't do the death cheer in public, okay?" She didn't see anything wrong with it.
So, we have 93 days until Halloween and I was excited that I didn't have to make anything. Until my husband said, "I want us all to go to Comic Con in December." The kids turned to me. "Mom, will you make us costumes?" Ugggh - no. I am buying storm trooper outfits and then sitting in my sweat pants and drinking a margarita.
My kids have been playing a game for the past 48 hours called, "let's-see-if-we-can-drive-mom-insane." I'm convinced of it. It was a crazy week. I got home from a business trip at 11 pm on Friday night and I was up at 7 am the next morning making a grocery list for the things we would need for my daughter's birthday party. I took her to get her hair cut, went grocery shopping, took her to lunch, decorated the house, picked up her friend, made her cake and then facilitated a sleepover with 7 girls which included manicures, face masks and updos. The next day the kids were up at 7am. I distributed donuts, cleaned the house and then later took my daughters and a friend to Claire's to spend her birthday money.
I jumped in the shower to get ready and as soon as I was in there I heard banging and screaming through the door. The only words I could make out were, "MOOOOOOMMMMMM" over and over again. I screamed back, "I CAN"T HEAR YOU." More banging and more screaming. "I'M GETTING OUT IN A MINUTE." More banging and more "MOMS". I couldn't take it anymore. I was so annoyed. I just wanted a 2 minute shower in piece. Finally I screamed, "I AM NAKED. LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" I got out of the shower a minute later and then opened the door. My 8 year old was sitting on the bed with her arms crossed, looking annoyed. "Can you help me find my brush?" Really? In the time she wasted yelling at me through the bathroom door, she could have found the brush. Why do I have to look for the brush anyway? I didn't lose it.
Off we went to the mall. We walked through the mall and window shopped and ate pretzels. Then I collected all the things that her friends left at our house and began dropping them off. She begged to stay with her friend. I agreed. I went home and had dinner with my sister and her three kids and then I drove back out to pick up my daughter. That night I was EXHAUSTED.
Not my kids though. "Mom, can I go to B's tomorrow?" "Yes, but you have to do some chores first." You would have thought I asked her to eat a sh*t sandwich. "I don't want to do that. I'll do anything else." Like what could you do besides chores? Stand on your head for an hour? "Sometimes, we have to do things that we don't want to do. That's the deal and I'm sticking to it." She began to cry a whiny cry. A cry that is very annoying coming out of a 10 year old. So I took her phone. Which led to more crying. Finally she calmed down and then said she was thirsty. Ok. "Can you come downstairs and get me some milk?" That's when I lost it. I was in bed. You want me to get out of bed to get you a drink that you are perfectly capable of getting yourself? The kids think we exist to serve them. It's crap and we're revolting. We will all be sitting on the couch or I'll be working and my daughter will walk up to me and say, "Can you get me a -----? Insert snack, drink, pen, paper, anything at all. NO. The answer is NO. You could have walked to the kitchen and gotten a snack or a drink in the time it took you to walk over to me. They are capable people. It's soooo annoying. Just the other day we were all sitting on the couch and my 8 year old said to me, "Can you get me a glass of water?" My husband turned to her, "Did you work 12 hours today?" She shook her head no. "Well, your mom did. You have 2 legs, get your own water." She gave us an evil look and then said, "I'm not thirsty anymore." AHHHHHHHHH.
Anyway, back to the milk child. I said no. She whined and cried and acted like an all around brat. She would not stop. It wasn't just a regular cry. It was one of those cries that feels like spiders under your skin. The kind of cry that feels like it's killing your soul. The kind of cry that makes you want to throw yourself out of a closed window. Parents, you know what kind of cry I am talking about. I stood up and said that I was going to sleep in her room, "Don't follow me. I am going to shut off all of the lights and leave the closet door open." I knew this was her kryptonite. She is afraid of the dark and whatever thing she thinks lives in the closet. At that point, I wouldn't have cared if there actually was something living in the closet. I would have sacrificed myself to the closet monster. Anything to make it stop. I fell asleep looking into the dark abyss of her closet with the sound of whining and crying fading in the distance.
The next morning, she woke up and didn't talk to me. I smiled at her and said good morning, but no response. She finally came up to me. "What chores do I have to do?" "Clean your room, clean your bathroom, get everything that belongs to you downstairs and put it where it needs to be, do your laundry and act pleasant." She didn't agree and showed little emotion but she did as she was told and was mostly pleasant. I told her I would take her to her friend's house at lunch time.
That's when my 8 year old took over. I am trying to work and she is flipping out about everything. Screaming and being horrible. I had to run some errands after lunch and she REFUSED to get ready to go. Finally, I told her that we would have lunch out and then I would bring her home and she could stay home alone while I did my errands. Which was a lie. But I was desperate to get her out of the house. Bad Mom Award. We had lunch and then instead of going home we drove to the store. She looked at me meanly, "You lied to me." I confessed. "Just a little trick. Come on, it won't be long." She folded her arms. "I'm staying in the car." I sighed. "If you do, I am going to have to call the police and tell them that there is a hot child in the car and they will have to come because it is very dangerous. Then they will take me away and the whole thing will take much longer than if you actually go in with me." She did not like that answer. She got out of the car and slammed the door and yelled that she hated me and that I am a horrible mother. Then she reluctantly followed me in and stood there next to me while I picked up my prescription like a demon child.
Finally she chilled out. I had a lot of work to do, so she watched a movie and was mostly pleasant. And then we picked up my 10 year old. It was 6 o'clock and I was pretty emotionally drained from my last couple days. But the kids have to keep going. As soon as my daughter got in the car they started bickering. Then I hear a scream, "W dug her nails into my hand." She protested, "Well, she pulled my hair first." I whipped my head around, "Is that true?" She pouted, "Yes, but she was going to take my phone." "No I wasn't." More bickering back and forth, back and forth until it built up and built up and built up. Finally, I screamed, "BE QUIET!!!! NO ONE TALK THE REST OF THE WAY HOME!!!!!!" Then I turned the music all the way up and I pretended I was anywhere else.
I am hiding from my children right now. I hope they don't find me soon. I know they will come looking for me before too long. To ask me to get them something, or find something, or tell me how hard their life is. Lord, give me strength.
Today my oldest daughter turned 10 years old. That's right. Double digits. The big 1-0. She has been on this earth for approximately 3,652 days. I truly cannot believe it. It seems impossible that I should have a child that is ten. The time has passed much too fast for me.
We are celebrating of course. I told her that because we gave her $100 to go to New York and were throwing a family party as well as getting her other gifts that we weren't going to be a big friends party. She protested. "Just 2 friends, mama to sleep over. PLEAAAASEEEE!" Okay, but just 2. Then she was concerned that her other friend's feelings would be hurt. So now we are up to 6 girls. I said that I wasn't going to put together anything big or fancy. That they could watch movies and chill. But then I came home from a trip last week and she ran up to me with her phone. "Mom, mom - I found all these great ideas for my party on Pinterest. I was thinking of doing some spa things. Wouldn't that be fun?" I thought, "I guess so. We could do face masks and stuff. But I'm NOT spending a lot of money." She agreed, "I'll make a list and we can go to the dollar store." Okay. Then she curled up with me. "I think you are the best baker and it would be really special if you made me a number 10 cake." I was flattered, "Yeah, and I can cover it with little colored jimmies." She got excited. "Yeah." So the next day we went to the dollar store to get the stuff and of course I saw other great things that would be good. It was like, $35. As I was walking out I realized that I told her no party yet I am having a large sleepover party for her and now I have to make a number 10 cake somehow." She is so good at that. She can convince me to do things and make me think it was my idea. She doesn't really think I'm that great of a baker. She just fed my ego so that I would agree to do it. She's smart as hell. She is quiet and doesn't always let on to her devious plans.
She is so big now. It's so strange. She wears my tee-shirts to bed. She is always taking my sweaters. She'll be bigger than I am. Her hands are as big as mine now. Sometimes she asks for us to press them together and I observe,amazed, how our fingertips line up perfectly- like a mirror image. She is becoming more and more of a mirror image of me. She is a free spirit. She loves to paint and do art projects. She loves to sew. She makes bags out of tee-shirts and is always rummaging through our old things looking for fabric she can work wirh. Right now her room is strewn with paint brushes and canvas. She likes to watch DIY videos on Youtube and replicate them. She is amazing at braiding hair. She likes to read and of course text her friend on her phone. She is a kind, gentle, quiet soul.
She is in between now. She can't decide if she wants to be big or little. She is always quick to tell me that she is not a baby anymore and that she can do things on her own but at the same time she wants to be a little girl. Just the other night, I was laying in bed and she came in with her stuffed monkey in hand. She laid down next to me and curled her arms around my neck. She was so close to me and I was in heaven. I am honored to be her mother. I truly know that she was a gift from God. I don't really know what I did to deserve her but I am certainly glad that He picked me and gave her to me when He did.
It's been 10 years now, since she was born. Since I smelled her newborn smell and had her curled up, brand new, on my body. I had been missing her my entire life and I didn't even know it until that moment. It is hard to look back sometimes, on all the years that have passed. I can remember her little so vividly, as if it was just yesterday.But there have been 3,652 days between then and now. I have cherished her all of those days. I have dreamed dreams for her on all of those days and loved her and worried about her all of those days. And I'll continue to do so every day of my life.
The other day I was driving home and I received a call from my daughter who was on her way to a sleep over with my husband. "Mom, dad doesn't have the address. What is the address?" I was annoyed. I don't keep addresses in my head. I wasn't in a position where I could access it. "Tell dad to check the white pages." She paused, "What?" I repeated myself, "Tell dad to check the white pages." She became exasperated. "What are you talking about." "Just tell him, he'll know what I mean." I hung up the phone and I realized that my daughter has no idea what the white pages are. I didn't mean the ACTUAL white pages, I meant the online white pages. This isn't 1944. I need to show her how to use them. We don't get phone books any more. Do they still make them? Maybe you only get them if you have a home phone. We've only used our cell phones for years.
Technology has changed so much over the past 10-15 years it's absolutely CRAZY. When I tell my kids about the technology we had when I was a kid, they look at me like I grew up in colonial times. Which is funny, because I am not that old at all. Life is so much easier now, everything is quicker and convenient. It is amazing. Music for instance, you can pull up any song you want online. You can listen to Pandora or any other music app. When we were kids we would listen to the radio for hours, just to make a mixed tape of songs that you like. You would wait for the pause in between songs with your finger on the record button just in case it was a song you like. Sometimes you would miss it and run over to hit the record button. When you listened to it later, it would start 10 seconds in and the DJ would start talking before the end of the song. Haha. If you wanted to listen to a certain song you'd have to fast forward, then play. Nope, not far enough. Fast forward again. Nope, in the middle of the song. Hit rewind and then play again. Damn it! Missed it. Guess I'll just listen to the last minute of this song and the one I wanted to listen to will come on next. How annoying is that. I was so glad when CD's came out. You could actually just go to the song you wanted to listen to. Then they came out with the Discman. That was magical. But not very convenient.
When I was in college, I would go work out at the university gym with my discman. I would be on the treadmill and there was no where to put it. So I would hold it but every time I would run fast it would skip. Haha. Sometimes I would burn a CD but it took like 2 days to download songs.
We didn't even have a computer in our house until I was in high school. You couldn't be on the internet and the phone at the same time. Which seems crazy. Computers are the best thing ever. There is no excuse for people to be stupid anymore. You can know anything ALL the time. We saw a bug outside once and we wondered what it was. I pulled out the phone and we looked it up and learned all about it. You can watch math lessons online. My response to everything is "google it." The all mighty google holds all of my answers. Before, you just wouldn't know things. You would be sitting around and thinking, "I wish I could remember that movie where Micheal Douglas was really mad....what was it?" Then you just wouldn't know. You would have to ask people and if they didn't know then you would never find out. My husband has an app on his phone where if a song is playing on the radio, he can record a few seconds of it and it will tell him the name, artist and album. Back in the day, you would hear a song on the radio and not know it and then you would sing it back to everyone you know in hopes that they would know who and what it is so you could buy the album. Life is easy now.
School work for the kids is a lot easier. We had an encyclopedia when I was a kid, or we could go to the library. I remember being in 5th grade and having to do a project on Orangutans and the library didn't have a book on them but there was one at the larger Vineland library. So we had to drive to another city to go to another library and sign up for a new library card to get a book about Orangutans so that I could do this paper. Thank God those days are over because if I had to drive to other cities so my kids could get a book to write a paper - I would be very annoyed. You can just download whole books now without leaving the house. Although driving to the next city wasn't that bad back then because gas was only 80 cents. Even when I was in college I had to spend time a lot of time at the library. When we did research papers we could only have 1 internet source. A lot of the academic journals were not hosted online and I had to request them and it would take forever. Then we had to save them on a disk and turn them in. I feel bad for people in college during the type writer days. Could you imagine writing a thesis on a type writer? I would have just dropped out of school.
Shopping is a lot more convenient now. I have embraced online shopping, it is the best thing ever. All of my Christmas shopping is done online. I am in pajamas, pick out all my stuff, click the button and it's right on my doorstep. It doesn't get much more convenient than that.
Before you always had to have cash because a lot of places didn't take debit or credit cards. I remember being excited when fast food restaurants started taking debit cards. Sometimes, I am at places that don't take cards and I get so annoyed. Just yesterday I was at a parking garage that only accepted cash or check. Really? Who carries cash anymore. I wrote them a $3.00 check. Get it together parking garage.
When we first got married there was no online bill pay so once I month I would sit at the table and write out checks to the electric company, phone company, insurance, and for the car loan. I would stuff them in envelopes and wait for the checks to clear. I wasted 20 minutes of my life each week doing that.
We used to be tied to the television. If you missed a show. You just missed it. You would have to check the TV guide in the newspaper to see if there would be a re-run. Now we can watch any show and any movie pretty much ever made in a matter of minutes. We control our own time. It is fabulous.
I wonder what life will be like for my grand kids. They will probably think the technology that we have now is crap. They will probably transport places and have their banking information embedded in their fingertips. Then my kids will tell them about their ancient iphones and the simpler life that they had growing up in the 2010's. It will be fascinating. I think they should be able to sure cancer by them or created a pill that let's you eat whatever you want and still be thin, and something that let's your skin not age, and a machine where you can press a button and amazing dinners come out of it. The technology Gods need to start working on that.
So we got our daughter a phone and we have certain rules about the phone. You can't have it at night. No Instagram or Snap Chat or any of that crap. That was my husband's rule actually because I didn't know what Snap Chat was. I had to google it. I think Instrgram is where people share pictures, but I never have explored it. I only have a Facebook, I don't really know too much about other social media. I am soooo stuck in 2008. :)
We paid like a gazillion dollars for this software that will show us all of her texts and what she downloads, her call history, GPS. My husband is in charge of tracking it since he is the techie guy.
So anyway, I am sitting at the table the other day trying to get my work done and I see a text from my 23 year old sister telling me my daughter has an Instagram. Oh HELLLLLL NAHHH.
I screamed for her to get into the room and she walked in clueless, phone in hand. E tells me you have an Instagram page. She put her head down and said nothing. "Give me your phone." She handed it to me. "Are you out of your damn mind?" She began to cry. "But all of my friends have an Instagram page." I felt rage moving through my body. "I don't give two s**ts what your friends have. I told you that you couldn't have it and you intentionally disobeyed me. AND you assumed I was stupid enough not to find out. Now, I want the names of all your friends who have an Instagram and I will call all of their mothers." She started to cry again but I had not one shred of sympathy. "I'm taking your phone and you're not getting back until I say so AND I'm going to tell your dad right now." She was really upset now. "No, no - don't tell daddy. He will be so mad." I looked at her in the eyes, "He should be." Then I sat her down and gave her the speech about not being mad, but being disappointed and heart broken and how she would be the last person I would expect it from. More tears.
Then she begged me for her phone back. She was desperate. "Please mama, I learned my lesson. I'll never do it again. I swear. I'll put TWO hands on the Bible. Please don't take my phone." I ignored her and went back to my work. "Mama, listen to me. Please don't take it. When can I get it back." I looked at her angrily. "When I say so, now go away from me. I don't want to be around you right now." She folded her arms and glared at me. "If you don't give me my phone back you will regret it." Oh really? Tell me more about this. "I am going to lock myself in my room and starve. I won't eat a thing." Hunger strike, huh? She wouldn't last 3 hours. I know this child. I looked at her hurt. "Well, first of all we are not allowed lock bedroom doors in this house. Secondly, if you decided to starve yourself it would be a medical emergency. I would have to have you sedated and brought to the hospital. They would give you IV nutrition and then you would have to spend time in an inpatient center for eating disorders. It will be expensive, but we could use some of your college savings. I would hate to do that but it's most important that you are well." She looked at me angrily. "I hate you." Good. She can hate me all day. I am not going to be manipulated. Even though she thinks I'm old as dirt, I was her age not that long ago and I remember it very well. I can manipulate as well as the next tween. Don't mess with me.
When she realized that she wasn't get her phone back she just sobbed. I went back to my work and she cried loudly. I couldn't take it. "GO UP TO YOUR ROOM." She didn't respond. Finally I picked up the phone, "That's fine. I'll call your grandfather to come over and I'll go work at Starbucks." Starbucks is my second office. I could use a caramel machiatto at this point and a bottle of vodka on the side. She finally relented and sulked the rest of the afternoon.
Then my husband came home and gave her a talk and she cried some more and we again reiterated the dangers of putting your picture on the internet. What is the deal with that anyway? How many selfies do you have to take? Why don't you just look in the mirror at yourself. I missed the selfie craze. It must have been around the same time that Instagram and Snap Chat became popular with all the youngsters.
So, that is the saga of the cell phone at my house right now. However, I have discovered a new tool to keep this kid in line. Just threaten to take her phone away. No more messy room for her. I win the Evil Mom Award.
My daughter has been begging me for a cell phone for forever. It's very annoying. I don't think kids should have cell phones. It's gotten worse because all of her friends have cell phones and they all text my phone. Which is very annoying. My husband has been on her side and they have been wearing me down. "She's going to be in middle school, she walks to friends houses and we can keep in touch with her and have GPS." I think we should just microchip her, but whatever. I've really struggled with this. I don't want her to be a zombie looking at the screen all the time. I was discussing this with my mother and she was like, I'll give her my old iphone 3 and you can see if she can be responsible with it. I thought that was a good plan.
We went into Verizon and were greeted at the door. I held up the iphone and the lady looked at me like I was I holding up this:
She said that I couldn't activate, that it wasn't worth anything - but that they could get me another phone. I told her, "I'm not paying anything for a phone today." She said, "Okay, I'll just give you an iphone 4." I looked at her suspiciously. Verizon is just giving away cell phones now? Are they a non-profit or something? I must say that I am completely ignorant to cellphones because my husband and I both have iphones for work. We haven't paid a cellphone bill in like 5 years. When it's time for a new phone, they just send a new phone. So I was in a new world that was strange and foreign. "So.... you are just going to give me an iphone? How can you do that?" She shrugged, "I'm the manager and we have a promotion right now." I still wasn't sure, I thought she was trying to get one over on me. "I'm not signing a contract. We're going to do prepay." "Why don't you want to do a contract?" I was honest, "Because I don't trust Verizon to be fair in their billing practices. I had Verizon before and they always charged us a crazy amount for roaming." Again, she looked at me like I just told her I came in a horse and buggy. "Ummm....we don't have roaming charges anymore." I wasn't signing any contracts. "I'm not doing it." She shrugged again, "Ok. You can prepay. I'll still give you the phone and I'll waive the activation fee." Whatever. She gave me over to someone else because I know she was sick of me.
The girl was very nice. She thought I was my daughter's older sister and I was very pleased. My daughter rolled her eyes at me. They set us up and I paid the 45 dollars for the first month and the case. Then I thought, why do people still have crappy flip phones when they are giving away free iphone for $45 a month with no contract with talk and text?
We were getting our receipt when this heavy old guy walked in. He was on his phone arguing about something. He walked up to the counter next to me and hung up the phone. Then he turned to me and the person ringing me up and started to vent. "I'm tired of that woman. All she does is bitch and complain. I buy her a nice house, she doesn't work and she is never happy. I can't take it!" Just let it out, dude. I whispered in my daughter's ear, "That's what dad is going to say about me when he is old." She laughed.
We walked out and she was so excited. We went over all the rules, which she promptly broke (which I will discuss in part 2 because it is a long story).
I still feel crappy that my 10 year old has a phone. I am a little ashamed that I am that mom. I ran into one of her friend's moms the following week and I asked, "Hey does Ally have a phone?" She looked at me a little embarrassed. "Yes. Because we are horrible parents. Sometimes we leave the kids home alone for an hour or so. That way we can stay in touch with her. I mean, we don't go far. Just the grocery store or lunch. I know we're such bad parents." I wondered why we don't hang out more. A self-deprecating, fellow bad mom is someone I can relate to.
So, yes, my 10 year old daughter has an iphone. I have officially given up all of my standards. Don't tell anyone.
My baby is going to be 8 tomorrow. I can't believe it. I drove my husband to work this morning and we reminisced about it. "Just think, 8 years ago today I was ready to pop. Do you remember that day? C was horrible that day?" My husband laughed, "That's because she knew that her arch rival was about to be born." The day before my little one was born, my oldest daughter was the devil. She was just 11 days shy of her second birthday and was just being terrible the whole day. That evening, my husband took my sister to the movies and I told him I would hold down the fort.
We lived in Oklahoma at the time, and my parents would send my youngest sister out to help around the house before my kids were born. They are geniuses. She witnessed 2 births before she turned 15. That was the best birth control ever. Sure enough, she is approaching her mid 20's without any kids. Which is more than can be said for myself and other sisters. She was 14 when my youngest was born, so still a kid herself so we tried to do some fun things with her. Lord knows she must have been bored out of her mind. I bid them farewell and I decided that I would take my cranky toddler on a walk around the block.
It was finally evening and was a bit cooler. She loved walks and I thought it would be perfect to get her chilled out before bed. I loaded her in stroller and off we went. I was a few days past my due date and I figured I would try to walk the baby out. I was huge. I waddled down the road, with her head lodged deep in my pelvis. Each step took effort. Halfway through the walk, my daughter started screaming. Like she had her legs cut off. She wanted out of the stroller. I thought that I would just left her walk. I let her out and then discovered that she didn't want to walk. She wanted ME to carry her. It was an impossible request. She tried to climb up my legs and head butted me in my massive belly. Finally, she just laid on the ground, on someone's lawn and kicked and screamed and threw an epic temper tantrum. I was just standing there because I surely couldn't pick her up and wrangle her. I could barely bend over. I don't remember how I got her home, but I remember that I was at the end of my rope. She didn't want to take a bath, she screamed and kicked for another hour of so before finally going to sleep. It was bad. I was traumatized and exhausted. I was glad that my body wasn't giving me any indication that it was time for the baby to come because I needed to re-charge, relax and recover from that day. Little did I know that just a few hours later I would go into labor and just two and a half hours after that she would be here. Thank God it was a quick labor, because I Lord knows I didn't have the stamina for an all nighter.
I loved her instantly. She has made us so happy. She is so smart and so funny. We would certainly be bored without her around. She is the tiniest little thing, she weighs just 50 pounds. She has a tiny little fairy voice and golden curly hair. I love her button nose and her smile and laugh. She might be tiny but her personality is larger than life. If she is in the room, you're going to know it. She is mischievous and charming and she truly might be the funniest person I've ever met. You can always count on her to say the most random, funniest things.
For instance, just this weekend we were all sitting around in the bedroom. I had my nose buried in a book, my oldest was listening to music on head phones, my husband was on the computer and my little one was playing Mine Craft. We were all just sitting there quietly. Then my youngest, without even looking up, said, "Did you know that in other countries people eat seal penises?" She didn't follow that statement with anything. Not a laugh or a smile. We laughed and laughed. I expect to hear things like that from her. Believe me, it is never a dull moment.
She is a scrappy kid. I don't worry about her. She wants to do everything herself. She will never let anyone walk all over her. We often talk of her future husband. He better be able to take a little abuse because she will wear the pants in whatever relationship she finds herself in. haha. She will tell you how it is and she reads people very well. She is 40 year old woman in a little girl's body. I just love her so much.
She still LOVES to snuggle with me. She will always hold me hand and climb into my lap. You know she loves to sleep with me still. She likes to take my face in her hands and press her forehead against mine and looks me in the eyes and say, "Mom, I love you." She is so adorable. I could just inhale her being.
Tomorrow we will go to China Buffet, that's her favorite restaurant. She likes shrimp tempura sushi rolls. Her cake is a cheese cake. She refused regular cake. It HAD to be a cheesecake. She eats like a 40 year old too. It's very expensive. For her birthday she asked for this:
She wants to learn how to flight good. Whatever that means. So that is what she is getting. She's random.
I am grateful to have her. She makes our lives complete. Happy 8th Birthday to my baby!
My daughter went to New York City this week. It was a birthday gift from my mother. She decided that it will be a new tradition. When the grand kids turn double digits they can pick a place to go in the US and she chose New York City. My daughter was so excited. She packed her bag and we got everything ready. I was going through the check list with her, "Do you have this? and this? and this?" She shrugged me off. "Yes, MOM, I have everything." I slid a new toothbrush into her bag. "Remember to stay with Grammy and don't talk to strangers and be careful crossing the road because people in New York City can drive crazy." She rolled her eyes at me. "You're worried." "I am not. Not at all. I think you'll be fine and have a great time." She looked at me suspiciously. "You're worried, I can see it in your eyes." "I am not."
We drove to the airport and met my mom and her husband. We chatted for a bit and I hugged her tight, "Have fun! Love you!" She waved to me and off she went. It was just me and my 7 year old.
That night my little one was missing her sister. We called her and chatted for a bit. I had to admit, it was strange having her so far away. I tried not to bother her too much over the next few days. I would text about once a day and get one word responses. Which was fine. She was busy and having fun. On the Fourth of July, I texted her "Happy Fourth of July! Have fun at the fireworks. I love you." Her response was, "OK." I didn't think anything of it and we went through our day. That night we got ready for fireworks and we took the neighbors with us. I asked the 11 year old if my daughter had texted her. She said she had and handed me her phone. She had written to my daughter, "Come home soon. I love you." My daughter responded with "Love you too :)". I felt a little betrayed. Like a lover scorned. I got an OK and she got an I love you? I birthed you, I've dedicated my entire life to you and all I get is barely an after thought? It felt like 1,000 cuts. It hurt my feelings deeply. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I do.
We went to fireworks and they were beautiful. We had a great time.
The next day it was time for my daughter to come home. I was practically counting down the hours. I decided that I would not make a scene. I would not be overly jubilant and risk embarrassing her. I would not mention anything about the "I love you" thing. What good would it do? It would just make her feel bad to know that I am disappointed about it. I do not want to be an overbearing mother and I find myself being very deliberate in the things that I say to her and how I react to things, because I know that I have a tendency to smother. I don't make her hug or kiss me if she doesn't want to. She still does sometimes, unsolicited, if she is in a mood to. It's not as often as I would like. I am starting to see things change. To see her pull away very slowly. She is turning into her own person now, and she is very capable and she doesn't need to be tethered to me even though I feel like I need her to be. I had an epiphany about a year ago, as I was listening to Pink Floyd. haha. In the song Mother there is a lyric that goes, "Mama's going to keep you right here under your wing, she won't let you fly but she might let you sing." I don't want to be that mother. I want her to fly and sing. I want to keep her safe but I don't want to stifle her. She needs my guidance and support and love but she doesn't need me to micro-manage her life and make all of her decisions. She's still so young but she's not little any more.
I got ready to go to the airport. I walked in and saw that the plane was delayed. I say and waited. There was a young mother there with a 15 month old her lap. She was singing and entertaining her. "Where is your nose?" "That's right!" "Where are your eyes?" The baby was amused by this little game. The mother nibbled on her little baby neck and she squealed with delight. I smiled and I reminisced about my own daughter. How she could sit on my lap and how intoxicated I would be by her smell and her laughter and the squishiness of her baby arms and thighs. It seems like a lifetime ago. I stood up near the terminal and waited for her to emerge from around the corner. I watched happy reunions of lovers and parents and children and grandparents and grandchildren and I couldn't help but tear up a little. I was feeling very sentimental.
That's when I saw her. She walked around the corner and I waved to her. She smiled a closed lipped smile and walked over to me. I held my arms out and she leaned into them. She did not wrap her arms around me but our bodies touched for a moment and that was enough. I hugged my mother and her husband and we went to retrieve their bags. After we dropped them off, my daughter and I drove home together.
I listened to her while she regaled me with her stories of New York City. She told me about all of her shopping and Central Park, Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. She talked excitedly about cab and subway rides and the beauty and immensity of St. Patrick's cathedral. She is so big now and I think she looks and talks just like me when I was that age. It's so strange to see so much of myself in her.
We had to stop by the grocery store on the way home and we were getting ready to cross the street. She reached out and grabbed my hand unexpectedly. "Next time I go to New York City, I want to go with you and I will show you around." I smiled at her. "That would be wonderful." In that moment, it didn't matter that she didn't say I love you back, because I knew that it was so.
This weekend my husband and I went to dinner to celebrate our anniversary without the kids. We went to this French restaurant that I love. It's a little on the pricey side, but we rarely go out so it was a nice treat. I was so tired and wished it was socially acceptable to wear pajamas out in public, but I got dressed and put on make up and out the door we went.
Not long after we were seated my husband started talking about our will and getting more life insurance. I was like, "Really?" Let's forget about real life for a while and pretend we have no responsibilities. We ordered a cheese platter and sipped our drinks. A man was seated in the table behind us. Kind of chunky guy, beard, maybe mid 20's. He was tapping his foot and looking around. Then a pretty blond walked in. Her dress was skin tight and barely covered her girl parts and was so low cut her boobs were just out in the universe. She walked over to the table were the man was sitting and they shook hands. "Nice to meet you." I could tell by the look on the blond's face that she was disappointed. I leaned into my husband and whispered, "The people behind us are on a first date. This could get interesting." He shook his head, "You are so nosy. You are going to be an old lady one day who is in everyone's business." I shrugged my shoulders. "I just like to people watch." I do, I am fascinated by other people. Besides, I know what we are going to talk about. It's always the same thing. I am going to hear about any new video games or movies that are coming out. I will hear about the Roman Republic because my husband is obsessed with ancient Rome. I will discuss the kids in some capacity and then we will both complain about work. It's what we do. So this first date thing gave us some new material. I watched the girl who was sitting across from me and she looked so uninterested and ready to go. I felt bad for the guy because it must have been so hard to look at her face as her boobs popped out of her dress and rested on the table. They were ordering all kinds of drinks and appetizers and I knew it was going to be expensive. Our bill was over $100 and we didn't order any alcohol so I know this guy was spending $200 at least on this lady who obviously was not into him AT ALL. He is young, probably has a lot of student loan debt and 2 room mates.
Then I thought that he was stupid. Why would you take some girl to an expensive restaurant for a first date? To impress her? If I was a dude, the first date would be coffee at Starbucks. The second date, picnic on the beach, third date at the Olive Garden. I would be reserving the $100 dinners to someone that would be sticking around. Now the argument might be that a woman would scoff at the idea of the Olive Garden. If that is the case - run away from her quickly. Because if a lady needs to eat only at expensive restaurants and needs you to spend a lot of money on her - she is a high maintenance chick. She's probably is going to not only want expensive dinners, but expensive gifts and when you get married she is going to need you to get a better job so she can buy Chanel sunglasses and Jimmy Choos and no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. I don't care how good looking she is. Even that will loose it's appeal over time. If I was a man, I would look for a pretty woman who is low maintenance. Who can keep a house and has a strong back to assist with house hold projects. A lady who knows how to use tools and doesn't complain a lot. A woman who is nice and friendly but is strong and works hard. Now, I am not a man and I have literally no dating experience so I am not one to give any advice and I have no credentials in this area. I'm just sayin.'
After our lovely dinner we walked hand in hand back to the car and reminisced about days gone by. When we got home we decided to watch a movie together. We chose to watch a show about the Chernobyl disaster. You know, to lighten to the mood.
