My Exhausting Child

                                              

I can't be 100% sure but I think my 8 year old daughter may be the most exhausting person on the planet. She really gave me a run for my money this weekend. I was awoken on Saturday morning at approximately 5:23 a.m. by my little one. I was sleeping in my oldest daughter's bed and was not quite sure how I had gotten there. We must have been playing musical beds.

She was jumping up and down in front of me. "Mom, mom - dad wants you to take out the dog." I opened one eye and looked at her and thought Uggg....who put him in charge? I dragged myself out of bed and my daughter and the dog followed me down the stairs. I felt like a zombie. I let the dog out and filled up her bowl. My daughter was tugging me. "Mom, will you make me hot chocolate, PLEASE?" I fixed her a hot chocolate and a bowl of oatmeal and then laid my tired bones on the couch. She came in. "Mom, can I watch Flea Market Flip?" "Sure." She loves this Flea Market Flip show, she is weird. I tried closing my eyes and she began to practice her cartwheels and handstands and then talk to me. "Mom, in school this week, my friend....." Does she really expect me to listen to this? I thought to myself. Then she said that she was going to wake up her sister and dad. "Don't you dare. It's 5:50 in the morning. Let them sleep." She was very angry. "They are so lazy. They are just wasting their day. Why doesn't anyone want to play with me?" Good question. So exhausting. Then she rolled up my living room rug and put on some socks to ice skate on the hardwoods.

The next day she just about lost her mind. She got mad at her sister, threw her iphone on the ground, and kicked a hole in the wall. I was downstairs doing dishes when my 10 year old came down crying. Her screen was blank. Damnit. I just paid $80 to replace the cracked screen not 10 days ago. Normally, I would just be like, "Whatever, we'll go get it fixed."
                                          

But now that I'm a stay at home mom, I'm like:

                 


I was so pissed. I went up to yell at my daughter and discovered the hole in the wall, which she put a box in front of to cover. She was already in her room. She knew what was coming.

She was sobbing. "But mom, she was being mean to me and she told me she wished I wasn't her sister and that I was the worst person in the world." She burst into tears again. "I didn't mean to." I went into my "disappointed" speech and told her she needed to spend the rest of the afternoon in her room and that she wasn't going to a special dinner and trunk or treat with her grandmother. She was heart broken, but she did deserve it.

We have worked very extensively with our daughter and getting her to control her temper. She has done much better but there is still much more work to be done. She has always been that way though. Since she was a young baby. If she didn't like something or get her way - all hell would break loose. She is an explosive child who is easily frustrated and chronically inflexible. I know, I read the book. She tries so hard. I've discussed the possibility of ADD, OCD, ODD and everything else with her physician. She doesn't fit the profile of anything exactly. Amazingly, she is a perfect angel in school. Cooperates, isn't chatty, does what she is supposed to do. I know this requires an incredible amount of self control for her.

She reminds me so much of my baby sister. My brother used to call her Fidel Hitler Mussolini. She wanted things a certain way. If you made fun of her at the dinner table, she would throw a fork directly at you. She is incredibly smart, just like my daughter and I think that has something to do with it. In her head, she thinks she is a grown up person but she's not. I've always had the challenge. Like she doesn't understand why we get to stay up and she has to go to bed. "Because you are a child, and you have school in the morning." It makes her so mad, "BUT I AM STILL A PERSON." I mean, to be beautiful, extremely intelligent, and well behaved? That just wouldn't be fair to the rest of the world.

The hardest part of living with my exhausting child is hearing input from everyone else. Mostly, that I should just beat her. Believe me, I want to. Often. But if that the precedent, the child would be receiving perpetual beatings. It's just not an effective way to deal with her. She needs a lot of re-direction, a lot of love, an incredible amount of patience and I really need to pick my battles. I tell my husband that God gave her to us because he knew we could deal with her.

Because she is an explosive child I feel like I am on the bomb squad. If I have to tell her something that I know she doesn't want to hear, I get a little nervous. It's like disabling a bomb. You do it and then have that second where you think, "Okay, everything is going to either be okay or this thing is going to explode and kill me." I am more likely to get an explosion if she is hungry or tired but you never know. It's a crap shoot.

Yesterday morning, for instance, my daughter told me it was team day so you had to wear a shirt from your favorite sports team. We don't own sports team shirts. "Why don't you wear your Hawks shirt?" You would have thought I suggested that she bathe herself in urine. I could see the frustration building and then the all-out freak out. "NOOOOO. I HAVE TO WEAR MY HAWKS SHIRT ON SPIRIT DAY ON FRIDAY. GOD, MOM!"
                          
Good Lord. I told her to wear whatever, but she kept pestering me because for some reason, she thinks I can materialize things out of thin air. Then, I had an idea. I ran upstairs and grabbed my high school gym shirt. I freaking love that shirt. It is so comfortable. I wear it at least once a week. It is a magical shirt because it has always fit me, no matter how fat or thin I was. It doesn't have any holes. The color held up great. They just don't make things like they used to. I went to the living room where my daughter was sitting on the couch, arms crossed, pouting. I held the shirt up, "What do you think about the Millville Thunderbolts?" She didn't say anything but I could see the wheels turning. She began to ask questions. "What exactly is a thunderbolt?" "It is the simultaneous occurrence of lightning with a clap of thunder." What kind of crap is that? Can you think of a more obscure mascot? A bull dog, a wild cat might be good. But this?
                                         
She continued to question me. "Are the thunderbolts still around?" "Ummm....yes. I was in high school in the 90s, not 1857." She continued to think about it. I knew it required more selling. So I held the shirt up and did a little dance and began to sing, "Da, da, da da, HEY GO BOLTS!" She shrugged. "Okay." Crisis avoided.

When I picked her up from school she was so excited. "Guess what mom? I was the only kid supporting the Millville Thunderbolts. I am very unique." Yes, that is an understatement.

Raising a spirited child has certainly been (and will continue to be) a challenge. I blamed myself for a long time. That there was something I had done wrong to make her be the way that she is. I often felt like a failure as a mother. Especially when she was younger and would have full on melt downs in public. Yes, I was that mom. Raising her has been a lesson on loving the child you have and letting go of the idea of how you want your child to be. It's a hard lesson. She's gotten much better as she has gotten older and she is much more manageable now than she was just a few years ago. Thank goodness. The 3-6 years were especially rough, but as you can tell, she still has her moments. When she is having her episodes, I tell her that I love her and that I will never give up on her. Never. We are in this together. Even though she can be incredibly difficult and exhausting she is a very sweet child. She is caring. She is funny. I wouldn't trade her for the world. I'll take every piece of her, because that's what unconditional love is all about. I just need her to stop breaking iphones. That'd be great.

Why Do You Have to Be So Mean?

                                       
People and animals have been mean to me this week. For no reason. I don't understand. I mostly just try to mind my own business.

It started earlier this week with my 8 year old. She is mean a lot, in general. She is behaved in school but only because she has to hold it in. When she is home, all bets are off. So, now that I am not working, I decided that I would make lunches for the kids. It makes sense. School lunch costs us $80 a month. So I have been making yummy lunches in the morning. It was literally 5:20 in the morning and my 8 year old declared that she needs a new lunch box. I actually had ordered a little lunch box a few weeks ago from the middle school fundraiser, so problem solved. I said, "You will get another one. The stuff I ordered should be coming in soon." No, that wasn't good enough for Vercua Salt over here. "I want it NOW." "Well, sorry." She looked me dead in the eyes. "You are horrible. You're the worst mother EVER!!!!" She screamed the word ever so loudly it sounded like it may have come from the depths of hell. Then she told me this week to "get a job." Wow.
                                 

My older daughter hasn't been much better. She got in the car on Friday and I looked her up and down and said in a valley girl voice, "Oh.my.God. You look soooo cute." I was trying to be funny. She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Ummm, this isn't the 90's anymore, mom. We're living in the 21st century. Get with the program." Who does she think she is? So I said, "Well, I didn't know kids in the 21st century were A-holes." I didn't actually say the whole word. I said the letter A, followed by holes. Bad mom award. She huffed and crossed her arms. Don't dish it, if you can't take it, honey.

Speaking of A-holes, my dog is one this week too. She is starting to get comfortable in her new place and letting loose a little. The other day, I went to get something out of the car and the dog wormed her way past me and into the neighbors yard. I yelled, "Summer, GET BACK HERE!" She looked at me, looked in the other direction, looked back at me and then started to run. I walked over to her and told her to stop so loud that she finally did. I yelled for her to "SIT." She did. The minute I went to grab her collar, this beeotch laid on the ground and went limp. She looked up at me like, "What are you going to do about it?" I tried to pick her up, which was hard and annoying because she stayed completely limp. Just to be rude about it. I'm not letting her hang out with the kids anymore because they are a bad influence.

Then, there was the Publix lady that was the icing on the cake. I went to Publix on Sunday last week to do my shopping. It was pretty quiet in the store. There must have a foot ball game on. I was in jeans and a tee shirt and my hair was pulled back in a messy pony tail. I was checking out and I hear a customer in the lane directly behind me talking to her cashier. "That pony tail makes you look really nice. It's really pretty and smooth. SOME women shouldn't wear ponytails, but on you it looks good." She was talking really loudly in my direction. Really? Do you have a problem with my pony tail? I turned around and she was looking at me like she was personally offended by my hair. She was an older lady with a hideous perm. A poodle perm. I'm going to call her Poodle Head MaGoo. I wanted to say, Gee, Poodle Head MaGoo, If I knew you were going to be here, I would have made more of an effort. You're right. I should be coiffed when I go to the grocery store. Next time you see me I'll be looking good. Thank You for your constructive criticism. 
                                                    
                                                    This is my new going-to-Publix outfit.

I didn't say anything to Poodle Head MaGoo though. Do you know why? Because I believe that mean things that you think about people should stay in your head. So I imagined myself punching her in the ovaries and then my rage passed.

I'm hoping that people are nicer this week. I do not have time for negativity and people with bad perms telling me what to do.

You're Fired

                          

So, I lost my job on Friday. It was very sudden and somewhat unexpected. At first I was really upset. Not upset because I lost my job but mostly because I was offended. Like I was being broke up with. Even in relationships that you know are probably not the best, you want to be the dumper not the dumpee. What I felt mostly was relief. You see, I have worked hard. I have been in very high stress jobs the past 5 years. I have been stuck in this place where I am trying to do it all and it has been exhausting. I feel like I've been running a marathon for years and now someone finally told me I can stop.

I have lived my life between Fedex runs and packing and planning the next business trip. I've given away pieces of myself over the years and I've suffered greatly in return. I take care of everyone and everything else but never myself. I am ready for a change. I feel like I am liberated, like a breath of life has been breathed into me.

That day, when I kids got home, I sat them down on the couch to tell them. They were shocked, my little one cried and asked if we were going to be poor. haha. Then they went out to play. I went out to the car to get something and my 5 year old next door neighbor ran out excitedly shrieking, "Mrs. B, YOU'RE FIRED! YAY! YOU ARE FIRED! YOU'RE FIRED!"
                             

He hugged me and jumped up and down. News travels fast on our street. He was so excited about it, bless his little heart.

We will be okay and will make things work. We don't need to pay for childcare anymore, or someone to clean our house, or spend $600 going out to eat every month (yes, that is a spot on number. YOWZA!), we will take less vacations but the Disney cruise is still on. We'll save $1,300 a month by eliminating those items alone. And I'm not sorry about it. I will get to pick up the kids from school, help with homework every night, have a clean house, have energy to hang with the hubby, and a lot less stress. I told my husband that I am going back to the kitchen, where women belong. haha.
                               
 I am going to take my time to figure out my next steps. I am going to reflect, re-assess and figure out what I REALLY want to do. I'm going to stop and smell the flowers.

I think this is a perfect time be be a stay at home mom. When I stayed home before, I had little children. I was wiping butts, and making edible pudding paint, and sitting blowing bubbles in the back yard and watching the Wiggles. Now, I will drop the kids off by 7:30 am and then don't have to get them until 2:15. That's 7 unencumbered hours!

What am I going to do with my time? Important things.
                            
1. I am going to take a nap. EVERY DAY. Like a boss. I am going to nap like I mean it. I am going to crawl into my bed at 1 pm and not feel guilty about it.

                                         
2. I am going to lose 10-15 pounds. I am not going to be on the road all the time anymore grabbing greesy fast food and Starbucks coffees. I am going to work out 3 times a week. I probably should work out every day but I don't want to get all wild and crazy. I want to get so hot and toned that I can break things with my butt,

3. Proof read my blog. I write this thing, hurriedly, at all hours of the day and night (it's 3 am now). Sometimes I'll go back and re-read them and I'm like:

I think, Was I having a stroke when I wrote this? Because WOW. I am a college educated woman who minored in ENGLISH. I need to get it together.

4. Meditate daily with or without the sound of chakra bowls playing.

5. Clean my house and actually do my laundry. No more laundry pile. No more soul-crushing dirty, upstairs bathrooms. I will have time to get and STAY organized so I can become one of those annoying Pinterest moms. 

6. Shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows, paint my nails on a semi-regular basis and upkeep myself. Something I have not done for years. I'm not ashamed. I've been known in the past to lie and tell people that I am a feminist woman who doesn't feel like I need to remove all my body hair to fit into society's view of what beauty really is. But I truth? I only have 2 minutes to shower and I'm exhausted and CRAP I forgot to buy more razors.

7. Cook, cook, cook delicious food and bake. I love to cook and make yummy things from scratch but I find myself buying a lot of convenience food because I am exhausted or I am going out of town and I know my hubby won't cook. Not anymore. It is fresh, healthy dinners from now on!

8. Achieve Candy Crush greatness....I know, I have high aspirations. 

9. Lastly, enjoy my time with the children. 

I am going to love them, and hug them and spend time with them. We'll do homework together every night and take the dog to the park. We'll make holiday crafts since it's right around the corner. I am going to talk and laugh with them. That is the thing I am most excited about.

I have deep faith and I know that GOD has a plan for me and for my life. I trust that He is telling me that I need to slow down and enjoy the life I've been given more. I believe that when He closes a door, He opens a window. I have been on this planet long enough to know that there is something bigger and better for me right around the corner. I have a deep sense of peace. Everything is going to be okay,

If all else fails, I could always make a career out of breaking things with my butt. People might pay to watch that, right?

The War Against the Alarm Clock

                                        
You must know by now that there is nothing that I love more than sleep. I adore it. I need it and I never get enough of it. The mornings are so hard. Every morning when the alarm rings I'm like:

I die a little bit inside every time I wake up in the morning (which is a very ironic statement). My eight year old gets up at 5 am and every night when I set the alarm for 5 it makes me sad. The alarm goes off at 5 and it is one of our responsibilities to make sure our daughter gets out of bed. She needs a little oomph in the morning. 

Does she really need to get up at 5? No way. She could easily get up at 6 but if you wake her up after 5 she will scream and get upset and tell you she is late for school. She makes us crazy. So one of us gets her up and hits snooze. Then we continue to hit snooze until 6 o'clock. That means we have to hit the snooze button 6 times before we get up for the day. The alarm clock is across the room, so we are actually forced to get up because we had a problem with just turning the clock off completely and going back to sleep. 

So that is the routine every morning. The other day, I revolted. The first beep went off and I woke up my daughter and hit snooze. The second time, I let it beep a few times and then got up and hit snooze. The third time I decided I wasn't getting up. It was my husband's turn. When it went off for the fourth time I decided that I would just wait very still and pretend to be sleeping so that my husband would have to get up and hit the snooze button. Except he didn't. He was playing the same game I was. We were both, laying awake, completely still trying to fool the other one into thinking we were dead asleep to avoid having to get up to hit snooze. I counted the alarm clock beeps. It beeped 76 times before I nudged my husband. "It's your turn." It was the longest 76 seconds of my life. It is the worst sound ever. It's horrible. I hate it. When I travel out of town I have a special song that plays to my alarm and when I am out in public and someone has that sound as a ring tone, I have an instinctual urge to sob and throw things.

I purchased the alarm clock when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. I remember it specifically because it was kind of high tech back in the olden days of 2003 and have a large display and you can make a recording and set it as your alarm. I need to do that. I am going to start recording disparaging things and so that I get guilty and get out of bed. I can say things like, "Get your fat a** out of bed." I don't want to do a recording of myself though out of fear that I will grow to hate the sound of my own voice and I will have to become mute so I don't sob and throw things when I hear it. 

Someone help me.

My Husband...the Dog Whisperer

              

I had to work last Saturday and as I was getting ready, I asked the hubby how he planned to spend his day. He said he was going to take the kids to PetSmart to look at the animals. Which was not an unusual thing. He takes the kids to Best Buy to look at $6,000 TVs, ect. It's a thing that he does. He window shops and buys the kids Slim Jims. It's a fun way to pass the time.

So I'm working and I get a text from my 10 year old. We got a dog. What? I knew my husband was messing with me to freak me out. After all, we didn't discuss this, we are not prepared, do we really  need another mouth to feed? I called my husband. "Did you get a dog?" "Yeah, she's really cute. She's quiet and sweet. She's been at the shelter for 4 months." "Is she house trained?" "I think so." I THINK so? That's his code word for, "I don't know. I didn't even ask." I was so annoyed. So I told them to send me a picture. When they did, I fell in love. She looked so sweet and sad on her little blanket. All of my irritation melted away. To hell with planning ahead, we didn't plan ahead for our children and it all worked out okay. We make bad life decisions, but we go with it. haha

When I got home. I met my new baby. She was so cute. She came right up to me, wagging her tail. How can you deny this girl?

She is so cute and has such a good demeanor. She was in heaven because all of the neighborhood kids came over to pet her and play with her. 

That night, we fed her and then took her for a walk. We were a few houses down and a random pit bull, not on a leash, ran up to us. There are never loose dogs in the neighborhood but that is our luck. We were all very still and waited. The dog was still too. The pitbull came up and sniffed us and our dog. Then it decided it would try to make love to our dog. Our dog did not want to make love to it, she she barked. The pit bull got aggressive then and began to bark and snap. I was completely freaked out. I could just see it now, Our dog got killed on her first day with us by a lesbian pit bull. That seems like something that would happen to me. 

My husband picked up the dog and we all walked REALLY slowly back to the house. The pit bull followed us. We made it and ran in and shut the door. Then my husband went to leave again. "What are you doing?" "I am going to get that pit bull." Ummmm - okay, you have no defenses so good luck with that. I waited inside for what seemed like forever. I was worried. I went outside to check and my husband had the pit on a leash and was walking her back to her house. Apparently, our neighbors knew who she belonged to. He came back to the house and I said, "How did you get her to come to you and not be aggressive again?" He shrugged. "She was running away and growling at me, so I looked her straight in the eyes and said. STOP. COME NOW. Then she did. You have to establish dominance." What? He is like a Mongolian warrior, wrastling pit bulls with his bare hands. I've been calling him the Dog Whisperer. He has talents that I never knew about.

We just love this dog. She is getting sprinkled with attention. She sleeps at the foot of the bed - although she will try to worm her way to the top if you're not careful. Just like the children. She has a wonderful temperament. We took her to the vet and he was just gushing about what a good dog she is.

But, like the children. She is spoiled rotten. She comes with us as much as possible. She comes with me to pick up the kids. She went with my husband the other day to go get Chik Fil A. He purchased food specifically for her. Kids grilled nuggets. I was like, "What? You purchased Chik Fil A for the DOG? She's a dog." He was like, "Well, she was in the car and I was getting food for everyone, so I felt bad." Ummm....She's a DOG.

 This dog is going to live better than most humans. She reminds me more of a cat though. She eats, gets walked twice a day and then just lays around and naps. We try to play with her. We'll throw the ball and she'll run and bring it back once and then we'll throw it again and she'll just stand there and look at us like, You're stupid, I just gave you that ball. If you think I'm going to get it again, you are sadly mistaken. What do you think I am? A Kenyan runner? That is the exact works that she thinks in her doggy head.

A dog was a perfect fit. We wanted a bigger family but we can leave her home alone and don't have to put her through college. Plus it's funny to see our kids pick up her poop. We LOVE her. 

Date Night

My husband and I went on a date last Friday. We went to go see Nick Swardson who is a comedian that we LOVE. We have been big fans for years, watch all his specials and were so excited when we found out he was coming to town. I even scored 1/2 off tickets.

That night I was getting ready to go, waiting for my husband to come home and I could not find anything to wear. All I have is work clothes, fancy clothes and cocktail dresses and sweat pants. Nothing cute and casual at all. I would put on one outfit and go look in the mirror. No that's not going to work. I don't have any shoes to go with this. I look very fat in this dress. I was getting so frustrated.

Even though I have been married for over 12 years, I still want my husband to be impressed with me. I want to walk into the room and have him ravished by my beauty. I want him to remember me as the girl he married. But I'm not. She was young and thin and a teenager. She was unburdened by life. She slept good and was care free. I cannot compete with my 17 year old self. I'm not saying I'm a turd. I'm just saying that I'm different. I put on a dress that I felt okay with and painted my face. My husband walked in then. "Honey. I don't want you to be disappointed." "About what?" "That I'm not 17." He looked at me like I was coo coo for Cocoa puffs but just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Okay, I won't be."

We got dressed and off we went. "Let's pretend this is our first date, we can tell people that." He was annoyed. I always try to get him to participate in my games. We've been married long enough that we have to spice it up a little bit, have a little fun. I always want him to pretend that he doesn't know me and try to pick me up in a bar. He thinks I'm nuts.

So we get into the restaurant and we are seated and the waitress said, "How are you this evening?" I replied, "We're great. We're on our first date." hehe. My husband was like, "No we're not." He spoils all the fun. She took our drink order and we sat chatting. Then my husband whipped out his phone and started WORKING. On a freaking Friday night on our date. "What are you doing?" "I have to fix this server." "I don't care about the server." "Well, I have to." I sat quietly for a minute. "This is a very bad impression for a first date. I don't know if we'll have a second one." He finally set down his phone and told me he has expectations since he was buying dinner. So I offered to go dutch.

We ate and then headed to the show. That's when my legs started itching. I had gone to dinner a few nights prior on the coast of North Carolina and ate outside on the water and literally was eaten alive by mosquitoes. I was itching them in the middle of the night and they were gross and scabby. Literally, my legs were covered. I looked like I have a meth problem and was trying to dig my skin. To top it off, I also had a nasty bruise on my calf. My legs were looking straight trashy. I looked like I had the pox or something. Really gross. So we're in the car and they are itching like CRAZY. I couldn't scratch because they would bleed and ooze and be gross. So I am was slapping myself in the legs to get some relief. Slapping myself HARD. It was a very urgent matter. My husband was laughing at me so hard, "Dude, I don't know if I'll go on a second date with you after this."

We finally made it to the show and of course obnoxious drunk people were sitting next to me and being rude and disruptive. But it was so funny. We had a great time. Afterwards, we went straight home. We were exhausted. We were home before 10. We're lame. All in all, I would say it was a good date. I think I might see him again.

Clapping Erasers

                    

There was family night at the elementary school this week and they had a little dance afterwards where the 1st graders jump around and listen to that stupid "Happy" song. My oldest daughter was dragged along which she was unhappy about because she didn't want to be around the little kids.

 That night I asked if any other 5th graders were there, "Yes, J was there." J is this cute little Mexican boy that wears glasses and have a mohawk. He is my daughter's boyfriend. How do I know this? He wrote her a note that said, "Will you be my girl friend?" and she said "Yes." So I asked, "Did you guys talk to each other?" She said, "No, he is too shy to talk to me so we just waved to each other." My 8 year old chimed in, "Sounds like you're stuck in the friend zone." I was laughing my butt off. She is too much. I reminisced, "I had a little boy friend in 5th grade. We clapped erasers together once behind the school," She looked confused. "You did WHAT?!?"

 I was amused at her response. She always makes me fee old. So I had to explain it to her. "Back in the olden days we had these things called chalk boards....." I explained to her about clapping erasers. They would send kids out, behind the school ALONE to clap erasers. It would be so easy to just pick off kids if you were a child predator. Just hide out in the woods and then like clockwork, at 2 pm - kids would just show up unsupervised, clapping erasers. They would never see you coming. What was going on back then? I remember getting chalk dust up my nose and down my throat. That can't be healthy. I'm glad that my kids don't have to clap erasers.

We chatted about eraser clapping and then we went to bed. That didn't last long. I was awoken at 2 am by one of my children in the bathroom, calling out to me for toilet paper. Why don't they check for toilet paper before they use the bathroom? That is annoying. Afterwards, they both were up and wanted to talk to me. NO. GO TO SLEEP. They wanted to pile into bed with us and I told them they could sleep on the floor. My husband was snoring so no one could get back to sleep. His snoring is horrible. It was so hard to get back to sleep. Finally my 8 year old flipped out and screamed, "DAD!!! STOP SNORING. YOU SOUND LIKE A DONKEY GIVING BIRTH!" He startled, "I'm not snoring." Then he went right back sleep and resumed his snoring. Just another night in my house.

This Weekend

         

This weekend we went on an excursion to Myrtle Beach. I have been dying to go to Brookgreen Gardens for the longest time, so that is what we did. Unfortunately, it was drizzily but we didn't let it ruin our fun. They had beautiful statues and flowers. We walked through admiring everything and my 8 year old's eyes were REALLY big. She turned to me and said, "Mom, I don't think this place is appropriate for children." I laughed so hard. It was just naked statues everywhere.
                                       
                                            
"No, honey. It's art." She rolled her eyes. "Well, it's weird." We went to the butterfly garden and they had this section with a bunch of different playhouses that each had a fairy tale theme. We went on a boat ride and saw an alligator. We saw horses. I walked up to put one and my husband was like, "Whoa, back up." There was a 5 foot snake just slizzering slowly along. I thought my mother in law was going to poop her pants. She HATES snakes.

Afterwards we headed to the hotel and swam in the pool and the lazy river and soaked in the hot tub. They had unlimited free DVD rentals so we watched Diary of a Wimpy Kid and we all laughed and had a good time.

The next day we headed to another hotel. We were hotel hopping. They had a little waterpark, so we put on our suits and headed out to have fun. I witnessed an altercation while I was there, all over the lazy river. So, we decided to go to the lazy river. They were out of tubes. There was a couple in front of us with 3 beautiful blond-haired, blue eyed children. We struck up a conversation, "Are they triplets?" "Yea, blah, blah, blah." It was taking a while to get a tube and the husband said to me, "We need a double tube and there is only one and this guy and his kids are on it and they have gone around 11 times." I watched the gentleman float by again, with a smug look on his face. The wife was loosing her patience, "I'm going to say something next time." The husband was like, "No, don't say anything. Just see if he gets out this time around." The 3 year old triplets were squirming and really wanting to get in a tube. I was feeling bad for them.

I saw the man approaching on the double tube and he just started to float by. Even I kind of wanted to punch him in the back of the head. The dad of the triplet completely lost his crap.
         

He said, "You know what dude? Your an a**hole!" The guy turned around and just started yelling. "Did you just call me an a**hole?" Then he turned to the life guard, "Are you just going to stand around and let this guy call me an a**hole?" The life guard shrugged like, Yeah. "You have gone around ELEVEN TIMES even though you saw us waiting here with 3 little kids." The man on the tube yelled back, "I don't have to get out if I don't want to. I don't care." Then the wife started in, "Have some common decency, dude. You are a real a**hole." Then the parents took their crying kids by the hands and they left the area. My daughter and I were just standing there frozen. Whoa. The a**hole in the tube went around again and then we got on a tube. We went around twice, and saw some kids waiting so we got out to give them a turn. Not the guy. He went around again. He went around a total of 32 times before leaving the lazy river. What a horrible person. It's called taking turns. He must have never learned that in pre-school.

After pool time we ordered room service for lunch, which I kids thought was so fancy. We sat on the balcony and watched the ocean and enjoyed the cool breeze. I wish I could have stopped time then. I love our weekend excursions.