The developments over the past few weeks are a little jarring. We officially have a pandemic on our hands. It sucks, but it doesn't surprise me. I worked in public health for many years and we had to do pandemic training. They talk to you about what would happen in a pandemic and what your individual role would be. The most upsetting thing of the whole training was learning that they had contracts with supermarkets to use their walk-in refrigerators as morgues in the event of mass casualties. At least dead bodies won't be on the side of the road, they'll be neatly stacked in the refrigerator of your local Piggly Wiggly. They were adamant, "It's not a matter of IF, it's WHEN."
Now, here we are. This whole thing has gotten very political. People are so passionate on both sides. "It's blown out of proportion" vs "Death is coming." I can see both sides. The death rate is on the higher side, 2-3% - based on the numbers that are reported. I think that the numbers of people who had or have coronavirus are skewed because in most cases symptoms are mild, which means many people won't seek testing or treatment. Those who do, must meet certain criteria for testing. In conclusion, I believe the numbers are artificially low. But what do I know? I'm not an epidemiologist. I could just be fake news.
The reassuring thing for me is that it is not affecting children and young people. Other pandemics, like the Spanish flu, disproportionally killed otherwise healthy, young adults whereas the elderly are most at risk from coronavirus. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. I'm sorry, but I'd be infinately more upset if I heard about a 7-year-old dying of coronavirus than about 82-year-old Lucille, who has already lived 4 years passed life expectancy. I said what I said.
The most confounding thing is this toilet paper hoarding. I don't care. Back if the day, I was hardcore and didn't use ANY paper products. If toilet paper goes out of stock, I'll just cut up some old tee-shirts, grab my squirt bottle and live my life. We didn't use napkins, paper towels, or disposable menstrual products or diapers. I LOVE cloth diapers. Look how cute they are:
These pads:
I don't really advertise that to people because they think it's weird but I probably saved over $100 a month by not having to buy diapers and wipes, paper or disposable products. My diaper stash was enviable. I probably spent $400 total and when my youngest potty trained, I sold my stash for $200. So I diapered 2 kids, for 4 years for $200, which breaks down to $4.16 a month spent. That doesn't include energy costs for laundry, but it was a pretty good deal. I feel like a TON more people use cloth now than they did 16 years ago, so it's more acceptable. People would be grossed out about it and be like, "Why?" and I'd be like
Seriously, how do people afford daycare AND diapers? It's wild. I digress, anyway, long story short - I don't care about running out of toilet paper or paper towels.
As all of this has ramped up, the children have become increasingly concerned. It's all over the news, they are canceling things left and right, it's making them uneasy. The other night we were downstairs watching a movie and there was a knock on the door. It was Josh. He walked in and looked so distraught. "How was your baseball game?" I asked.
"I didn't play," he replied.
"Why not?"
"They let all the seniors play the whole game in case they cancel the season." Oh, that makes sense. He was so sad. You could just see the disappointment written all over his face.
"If that cancel spring sports, that means track......" I looked at my youngest and her face fell too. She shrugged. "If it happens there is nothing I can do."
My oldest had a million questions. "Do you think we could get sick and die? What if they cancel concert festival? Prom? Graduation? We are supposed to go to Italy....."
I spoke very honestly with her. "The virus is affecting the elderly disproportionately, which means if we get it, the symptoms will probably be very mild. We will go on as planned and if something changes, we will make adjustments. If they cancel prom - you have your dress. Put it on. Go take pictures, go to dinner. Maybe we could throw a party instead. It won't be ideal but it'd be something. We don't leave for Italy for 4 months. We will wait and see and if we need to adjust, we will. We will look for silver linings and we will be flexible. This is unprecedented in our lifetime. I don't know what is going to happen but I do know that we will get through this."
We will. We are very fortunate that I work from home already and my husband has the ability to work from home. The kids can do school from home if needed. I really feel for those who will experience loss of income and have childcare difficulties during this time. It's a very scary time for people. We are praying this will pass soon.
They did cancel Concert Festival. My daughter came in, crying. "This has just been such a disappointing band year!" she said. I hugged her. It is hard. It is okay to mourn. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to be disappointed. Some will say that "Oh well, people are dying and going bankrupt, so it's not that bad...." I think that's garbage. That's like telling women who have had C-sections to get over it because at least they have a healthy baby. Yes, surely that is most important but it minimizes the loss of an experience that was anticipated. It is completely valid to be disappointed if your sports season was suspended, that your college told you not to come back after spring break, that you may not walk in graduation, that your honeymoon was postponed, that your performance was canceled, that the event that you were looking forward to will not happen. It is okay to be sad, it is okay to vent, and it is completely okay and valid to mourn that loss. It IS a loss. It is a loss of validation after working hard and training. It is a loss of experiences, many of which only happens once in a lifetime. It is a loss that many will carry with them their whole lives.
This is an experience we are not alone in. That doesn't make it better but it is reassuring. As a country, there are times where we have had to sacrifice. We are sacrificing now. We can only do what we can do. Practice social distancing, wash our hands, pray, be flexible and wait. In the wise words of Andre 3000, "You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather."
The past few months have been busy. Scratch that, the past few years have been crazy. Scratch that, the past 16 years have been f*cking exhausting. Things in my house have been hectic the past few months but are now resolving. My youngest quit gymnastics and is transitioning. My oldest just finished the harrowing audition cycle and driving school/lessons/DMV visits, my husband is done college in a month (that really deserves it's own blog), I've been working a lot more than usual. We just came off of the holidays.....It's a lot. We are about to enter the spring which is always BALLS TO THE WALL. Off the chain. I figured out that I had a week between the end of one period of craziness to the next period of craziness. "I'm taking a mental health week!" I declared.
I need it and I told my family about it a few weeks ago. My husband rolled his eyes so hard.
He laughed. "I've never heard of something more irrelevant. What a millennial thing to do." My husband is like a re-incarnated WWII vet. He's a grumpy old man. Didn't care, wasn't asking for his approval, was simply informing him.
I made sure the kids were aware. We went to Wendys for dinner the night before mental health week started. They have that 4 for $4 that is good for my budget. We sat around the table and I said, "Alright guys. Starting tomorrow is my mental health week so you are going to be responsible for yourselves. I don't want drama, I'm doing the bare minimum." They just stared at me blankly and then my oldest said,
Low-key hurt my feelings that my family wasn't supportive of my mental health week but, whatever. I was excited.
The next day, I volunteered at the middle school all day. When I got home, my husband was unloading the groceries that had just been delivered. I was exhausted. "It's mental health week starting right now," I said. He said he would make dinner. He broiled some steaks and made veggies while I took a hot shower and got into sweats. I just laid on the couch and watched some mindless tv with my youngest. My oldest came home from work a while later and we all hung out for a bit. I went to bed early - so excited not to set my alarm.
I woke up on my own, naturally at 6:45 on Saturday. I fixed myself a cup of coffee and thought about the day. My youngest made plans to go shopping with a friend and my oldest always has something going on. The kids are always asking me for money, which I didn't want to deal with so I just transferred $50 into both of their accounts. As soon as I did, my 13 year old appeared. "Why did you just give me $50?" she asked. It must give them a notification. "You are going shopping today and I assume you'll want to go out to lunch." She looked at me puzzled and then said, "I LOVE mental health week." My husband came down and kissed me on the head. "I'll take care of everything today." I was loving it.
He had coffee and started doing the dishes. My youngest helped clean up downstairs since she was having a friend over and I just sat on the couch. My oldest came downstairs, fully dressed at 8:30 am. "I have errands to run, bye!" she said. Errands to run? If this was a normal Saturday without an event, she'd sleep until at least 10 but now that she has her driver's license, she is on the move. She was sending out Snapchats with her boyfriend, like 2 hours later so it all made sense. Errands. lol
My husband dropped off the youngest and her friend at the mall and we had the house all to ourselves. It was glorious. We binged watched Netflix, I took a nap. It was everything that I thought doing nothing could be. I showered while he picked up the kids and then we went on a little date. Our city has this new food truck park thing that we decided to check out. I knew I would see people I know, which I did, but I just turned away really quick.
I had some BOMB-ass Pad Thai. Then we went to Lowes to window shop and argue about light fixtures that we are never going to buy. That's the kind of thing you do in your 30s. We walked around talking about all the things that we need to get but will never get. Then we went to SnoDash and split an ice cream. I said, "Is this what people that don't have kids do? They just do what they want? The next 40 years are going to be BANANAS." We were really having some free time. I loved it.
The next day, I was lazy in the morning. I worked in the yard, pulled weeds and planted herbs. I love to outside, in the sun. The fresh air is good for my soul. Then I fell asleep in the bathtub. Which was cool until my 13 year old walked in and screamed.....should probably remember to lock the door next time.
On Monday morning, I was enjoying a cup of coffee and my phone rings. My oldest was on the other line. "My stomach is not right. I cannot go to school. I think I'm dying." The child has a flair for the dramatic. I brought up some medicine, a banana and a Propel. "I'm going for a massage, and I'll be back at 1." I did go for a massage. I liked the lady. She talked about her two sons who are the exact same age as my daughters. I kind of just zoned out. I loved every minute of it. She massaged my glutes - which I've never had before. I usually have male masseuses, so that is out of my comfort zone. This lady gave me the ass massage I didn't know I needed. I loved it so much. She worked my neck and my back really good. I walked out of there feeling like a new human being. I decided I am going to go monthly. I just need a doctor's note and my HSA will cover it. It was life-changing.
I went home and checked on my kid. She still wasn't well. I gave her more medicine and some toast then I went out to work in the yard. I am prepping to plant some bushes and flowers in the front of the house- a project I've been putting off for two years now. I was knee-deep in dirt and my phone rings. It's my daughter, she is sobbing. "Where are you?!?!?" "I'm out front." "I need you! I am dying!!!" "Okay."
I took off my gloves and went upstairs. She was crying, "I think all of my organs are shutting down. I'm in so much pain." I didn't laugh. I sat on the edge of the bed. I had already given her medicine and done all the things to do. "Honey - you ate some bad Kickin' Chicken. You just need to wait it out. Do you want me to rub your stomach?" She nodded. I kicked off my dirty shoes and shook myself off and crawled into bed with her and rubbed her belly. It was like immediate satisfaction. Her body relaxed and she fell asleep. I think she just wanted me there next to her. I got a heating pad and rested it against her and I just laid next to her and read the news. It wasn't ideal for my mental health week, but a mom is a mom first.
My husband came home from work and mowed the lawn and I offered to pick up my youngest from track. The original plan was for my oldest to pick her up but she was dying, so sacrifices had to be made. She told me about her day, then asked, "How was your mental health day?" I love that she has fully embraced it. "It was good, but I did have to rub your sister's belly for a solid half-hour." She said, "Your belly rubs are THE BEST. It works so good. It just stops hurting. Once dad tried to rub my belly and it wasn't as good. It didn't work." I laughed and laughed. I think it is a placebo effect. But whenever I don't think I'm good at something, at least I give good belly rubs.
The next day, I did minimal work. I organized my linen closet, I stretched and meditated, I fell asleep in the bathtub. My husband came home from work early and we hung out. Then we went to dinner, just the two of us. That night we drank wine and watched tv. Loved it.
On the last day of my mental health week, I was feeling good. I got up early, did some work. The house cleaners showed up at 9. I went to the library and picked out a book. I read a bit in the summer but barely at all throughout the year so it was a real treat. I sat in Starbucks and read my book and then came home to a sparkling clean house. And all was right with the world.
I needed this time. I have consistently put the needs of others above my needs for the past 15+ years. It's called being a mom.
When I worked at the hospital, I was doing my rounds and I heard a baby SCREAMING. I always went into the rooms with the crying babies first. I walked in and the baby was in the bassinette, screaming frantically, eating her fists and the mom was sitting in bed, eating breakfast, seemingly unbothered.
So, I introduced myself and I asked to take a look at her baby, which she agreed to. The baby sucked on my gloved finger veraciously. So, I thought this would be a good time to teach the mother about hunger cues in newborns. Which I did. Then I said, "Your baby is showing late hunger cues, so let's go ahead and feed the baby." She looked and me and said, "Well, first I'm going to finish my breakfast, then take a shower and then I will feed the baby." I was like trying to be nice but didn't even know what to say to that. So I was like, "Well, your baby is showing hunger cues now so perhaps you can feed the baby NOW and then take a shower and let dad hold the baby." She was like, "No. I NEED a shower." First baby, it was a little bizarre. I thought Being a mom might not be for you. I didn't say that though. I was very encouraging but that's what babies do. They are the ultimate lesson in it's-not-about-you-anymore.
You might think you need 8 hours of sleep to function, but when your child is up 3 times a night, you wake up and you feed that baby three times a night. When your kid is up vomiting at 3 am, you get up and you shower that child and you rub their belly. Even though you don't want to read Strega Nona for the 80th time, you read Strega Nona because that is their favorite book. You might be bone-tired exhausted at the end of the day, but you have to feed your kid dinner and put them to bed. It is the ultimate lesson in sacrifice.
When the children are young, you must put their needs before your own because they cannot take care of themselves. It is the right thing to do. It is God's way of showing you that you are not in control. But nature has designed it so that over time, they become more independent and then you start to get your life back a little. Except for these people having 3, 4, 5 kids. Bless the parents of many children, living that little kid life for over a decade. I don't know how they do it.
When the kids were younger, I did little things. I'd hide in the bathroom with ice cream or make a stop at Starbucks before I went to the grocery store. I'd take the day off and drop my kids off at pre-school and spend the day resting and relaxing. I would buy paper-plates and let the laundry live in a pile on my bedroom floor. I did the things I needed to do to survive. Those years were physically exhausting.
Now, things are more mentally exhausting. My husband being in school has taken a toll on all of us. He's been stressed. Thank goodness it's almost over. The kids have so many events. Keeping everyone straight is crazy. In the next week, there is an orthodontist appointment, a pageant, a track meet, we have to renew a passport, a concert, practices and rehearsals.....Thank God my oldest can drive now. That saves me a bunch of time. We have an active social life, we are blessed with great friends and there is always a party or a social engagement. I enjoy it and our lives are full but it is so damn BUSY. The mental load of keeping everything straight is hard.
I also sometimes struggle because I am the go-to person for people in a struggle. Mostly my children. If they are going through something, I know about it and we work on it together. I feel honored that they trust me but sometimes things can get kind of heavy. Sometimes it's their friends, sometimes it's other adults. My house is a safe place. You can show up at any time (and people do) and I have coffee and I will sit and listen. There are a few things I will give myself credit for but I am a good listener. If you are having a crisis, I am a go-to person. Nothing surprises me, I am not judgy, I generally want to help other people. It is something that I truly do not mind and I have a servant's heart and I want to help others but I have a tendency to take on other people's emotions. So I have learned that I need to balance time with others with a lot of solitude so that I can refill my cup.
This week was about refilling my cup. Mental health is so important and I take my mental health seriously. I have to. I spent the first half of my life really struggling. I existed in a state of scarcity and instability, with a paralyzing fear that I would be left behind, and that I was not good enough. I have spent the second half of my life REALLY learning to love myself and understanding that I am completely worthy and capable and that only I am responsible for my own healing. I believe that I exist in a state of abundance and I really am in a good place and have been for quite some time.
But in order for me to have continued wellness, I need to make myself a priority. I see my therapist a few times a year. Because that is one of the things that helps me stay well. I usually see her around the holidays, Mother's Day, and back to school- times when I know I may feel stressed. I had this "Ah-ha!" moment with her a few months ago. I said, "I have this underlying fear that I will be running away from the BIG SAD my whole life."
She was confused and was like, "I don't think you have depression at all. You've functioned very well in life and have great coping skills. Every time you've experienced times of sadness, you were in situations where you were surrounded by a lot of negativity."
And I thought about it and I was like, Oh shit! You are so right. It really changed my perspective on things. I'm not afraid of the BIG SAD anymore but I am acutely aware of people and situations that are negative and I avoid them at all costs. It has made such a difference in my life. Honestly, positive vibes only. I don't have time for anything else but that.
I feel rested now. I feel clear. I feel prepared to face the hustle and bustle of the next few months. Most of all, I feel grateful. It is SUCH a luxury and a privilege to be able to take time like this. I never could have done it 10, 5 or even 2 years ago. Long live mental health week!!!!!
