I've been traveling a bit for work and on Wednesday night, I was in a hotel room with nothing to do but watch the boob tube. It was 10 pm and I am laying in bed eating a gooey butter cake I had ordered from dinner. It wasn't a whole cake, but brownie size. It was still unacceptable. If you eat anything cake-like in bed you might have a problem. I had been on a PMS-induced carb binge all day. For dinner I had a plate of linguine and a loaf of bread. It was really bad, I was feeling a sense of shame and regret after that dinner.
So here I am, in bed with my cake and TV and I come across this lady talking about her butt. I was confused and intrigued at the same time. It was an infomercial for this workout called Brazil Butt Lift and there was this little man jumping around so excited, saying things like, "Luke ot her bot." They were squatting, bending, doing crazy dances. I watched the Brazilian butt infomercial for a whole hour. I couldn't stop, I was mesmerized. They had all these moms taking about their big saggy butts. It was sad. Give birth, get a saggy butt. It's like a present that comes with the baby. This one lady was like, "I started the Brazil butt lift a week after my son was born." That's setting the bar a little high, I think. That's a little too ambitious. She's lucky her uterus didn't fall out. They were like, "Don't you want the booty of your dreams?" I was nodding, alone in bed, inserting another piece of cake into my mouth. Then they were like... for only 45 minutes per day you can have the butt of your dreams. Only 45 minutes per day? Who has 45 minutes per day? People without kids maybe. That's 4.5 hours per weeks. I don't have time for all that. People always say things like, "If it was really important to you, you would make time." What a load of crap that is. I don't get to do anything I want to do ever. I'm lucky if I have enough time to get done the crap I don't want to do but need to do. So I was feeling discouraged by this. The butt of my dreams was slipping away before my eyes. Then.....it comes with a DVD that features a 10 minute workout, appropriately named Bum Bum Rapido for the busy mom who doesn't have 45 minutes today. Sign me up, here's my credit card, I'm doing it.
I did get it and I am going to do it. They encourage you to do a before picture to track your results. Yeah right, if anyone found that thing and looked at it they would turn to stone. They even encourage you to do the pencil test by seeing if your saggy butt can hold a pencil in place. I'm not doing that either. I can just imagine that conversation with my husband. "Honey, what did you just do with that pencil?" I'm going to put down the gooey butter cakes for a while as well. Before I get really out of control.
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