The Struggle

It's been a month since I updated this blog. A lot of things can happen in a month. If I knew then what I know now......

We went to Mexico City, which was amazing and wonderful. The people were so kind and welcoming, the food was delicious, the city was beautiful. It was like being in a movie, a dream. I feel like every place we travel to, I leave a piece of my heart and I definitely left a piece of my heart in Mexico City. It was a 10 out of 10 experience. If you get the opportunity to go in your lifetime, you should.

By the end of our trip, my husband and children were ready to go home. Not me. I'm never ready to go home. I love being on vacation. I don't have to cook, or do laundry, or keep a schedule and to-do list in my head. I just get to be with my children. They are with me the whole time, I can see them. I can see that they are happy. I am content.

Despite having an amazing trip and being super careful about what I ate and drank (besides the crickets I had with dinner), I got sick the day we flew home. Seriously bad, like I think I had dysentery.
                   
I didn't eat a meal for TEN days after I got back. I existed on broth, toast, bananas, apple sauce and peppermint tea. My husband was convinced I was dying. "Dude, you need to go to the hospital." I shrugged him off. "Nah, I just need oral re hydration. If my mucus membranes start getting dry, I'll go in and get some IV fluids." He under-estimates my willingness to suffer. After 10 days, things were better. I started to eat again. I was very weak but I survived it. I can laugh about it now. All is well.

Since we returned from our trip, life has been a whirlwind. Every single person in my house is going through "something." Our own separate issues and situations. It has been exceedingly difficult. When the children are having a hard time, I feel uneasy.

Last week was bad. I was still feeling weak from being sick and not eating for so long, PMS was hitting me hard, I'm dealing with some personal things, my husband and I were both stressed and overwhelmed and the girls were not feeling their best and were projecting it on us. I dropped my oldest off at youth group and she was having a bad attitude. It was not like her. She is going through something. She said something that hurt my feelings. I generally don't take it personally but lately, I have been fragile. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to get eggs and creamer.

I had purchased eggs and creamer the night before but had left them on the counter and when I woke up in the morning they were ruined. I brought the replacements and as I drove home I thought about the children and the things they are struggling with and I thought about some of the things that were burdening me. I felt empty and heavy all at the same time. I pulled into the driveway and popped the trunk and dragged my exhausted body out of the car to retrieve my groceries. It was a beautiful night, unseasonably warm. I looked up at the sky and the stars were twinkling.

I just started talking to God. Outloud. In my driveway. "Listen, If you want to test my faith, I can accept that but if there is any strength inside of me, I need you to help me find it. I need you to help me dig down deep. I need you to show me that I'm strong because I am struggling." My neighbors probably think I am insane. They wouldn't be wrong. In that moment, I needed to say it out loud, to hear my own voice.

When I worked at the hospital, I would come in early in the morning and I would always get sent in to the new mothers who were in crisis. It was always the same situation. Different room, different mother, same situation every time. I would walk in and the mother would be attempting to nurse a screaming newborn who was not cooperating, dad was asleep on that terrible window bench.

I'd smile and introduce myself and ask to look at the baby. I'd take the crying baby and check the diaper and do my assessment and then wrap the baby up and calm him/her. Then I would turn to the mother and ask how things were going and she would tell me the story of how the first day everything was great, and how all of a sudden the baby wanted to do nothing but scream, could not be put down, just wanted to be on her all.night.long. Then the tears would come. "I don't know if I can do this," "I'm so tired," "How am I going to go back to work in 6 weeks?" "What am I doing wrong?"

It was always the same, pick your adventure. Then I would get the baby on the breast and I gave the same speech every time. "Your baby is transitioning into the world and is used to the warmth and comfort of the womb. All he/she knows is you. Your voice, your smell, your heartbeat. You are the safe place. I don't want you to think about 6 weeks from now, or even tomorrow. Let's just get through this feeding and then talk about what we need to do to get through today. Let's make a plan."

That somehow would make things better for them, to remind them that even though things were hard in the moment, they wouldn't be hard forever. Sometimes, when you break things down it's better, it seems more manageable. I give the same speech to my children (at least part of it).

When they are struggling with something, I am their safe place. They come to me and let it all out. They may be in total crisis mode and having a full on teenage/tweenage meltdown about whatever- being overwhelmed at school, friend problems, stress about the future....and they come to me in a panic. I tell them to be calm. "Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth, and when you are calm, talk to me." And they do. And I listen. Then I reassure and then a plan is made. "So what are you planning to do about this situation?" or "What are you going to do different?" or "What do you need to do to get through today?" or "How can I help?"

Then they tell me what their plan of action is, I offer encouragement and tell them that everything will be okay (which it will be) and then we work on making it through the day.

The other week, my kid and her friends were in the car and we were having a conversation like this and her friend says, "Wow, you are like a wise old owl." NO. I don't want to be a wise old owl.
                     
                                I want to be a f*cking fabulous peacock
                    

After we talk, they always feel better. They might not be 100% but they are calm and have a plan and go on with their day. But then I'm not okay. On the outside, I am calm and I am rational. But on the inside, it hurts me. I take on their emotions. I actually do this with everyone. That's why I'm a shitty family member and friend. I have to be emotionally disconnected from other people because otherwise it takes too much out of me. I can't be there for other people because literally it takes everything I have just to show up and be there for myself and my children. I will not apologize for this ever but it does make me feel guilty sometimes.

When I'm struggling, I try to keep it to myself. Although I'm terrible at hiding it from my husband. He ALWAYS knows. "What's wrong?" he'll ask. "What do you mean? Nothing is wrong," I'll reply. I don't like to burden other people with my problems. Even my husband. Let's face it - my problems are not that big. I have a good life, my kids are beautiful and healthy, I have everything I need. Whenever I talk about my problems, I hate it. Like, someone please get the world's smallest violin and play it. Rationally, I KNOW that.

I can't keep anything from my husband. He can sense it in me. He was so annoyed, "Honestly, I know something is wrong. I've been with you my whole life. Is it something terrible?" I sighed. "No, not really. It's just when the kids are going through something it really upsets me."
"But the kids are ALWAYS going through something," he replied.
"I know," I said softly. "That's my point. It's hard."

My husband was like, "It's not going to get any better. When they are grown up it will probably be worse." Oh, my hubby, he is a realist.

They aren't struggling with anything crazy. It's typical adolescent stuff. They will certainly be okay. I try to tell myself that, "This is normal and necessary, this is normal and necessary, this is normal and necessary....." Like a mantra. I KNOW that it is normal and necessary but that doesn't make it better or easier.

It is not my job to remove obstacles from their way. They are not going to be happy all the time. They are going to make mistakes and learn hard lessons. Some will be self imposed and some will be totally out of their control. There are some roads they will have to walk alone. I can walk next to them but I can not carry them. I will not make things harder than they need to be but I cannot fix their problems. I can only support and love them.

In so many ways, I feel like a new mother again. These years are like the newborn days reflected. The children are transitioning into this world that suddenly is strange, new and confusing. Newborns scream but teenagers cry and have random nervous breakdowns or bouts of bad attitudes and rebellious behavior. I am their safe place but I am completely unsure of myself, convinced that I am doing it all wrong, wondering how long this feeling will last....

A few weeks ago my oldest was not acting like herself. She was in a terrible mood and she told me to leave her alone. So I did. A little while later she asked why I wasn't talking to her. "You told me to leave you alone, so I was giving you some space." She was so upset. "I don't want space. I never want space!" I was confused, "But you told me to leave you alone." She sighed, "But I didn't actually mean that I wanted you to leave me alone. I need you." She teared up and I felt horrible. In case you were wondering what it's like to have a teen/tween daughter, now you know.

I don't have a close relationship with my own parents and I never recall seeking them out for comfort and so this is new territory for me. I feel completely ill-equipped and floundering, to be completely honest. I just do what I've always done in this mom gig, fake it til I make it. I always just wanted my kids to feel safe and secure and know that they are loved and so I try to focus on that and not sweat the small stuff so much.

Yes, we are all going through something right now. But life is like that sometimes. We are learning lessons. That is our job as parents, to raise up the children and teach them how to become independent. We teach them to walk, to use the toilet, to read, to dress themselves...but as the children become bigger the things they must learn are so much more complicated, so much harder to master. Things we are working on right now:

-time management skills
-dealing with difficult people
-accepting the things that we cannot change
-the importance of self care
-how to recover from a broken heart
-how to manage anxiety
-how to accept that people change
-how to be okay when it seems like everything sucks
-how to take responsibility for your actions
-how to recover from disappointments

I'm 35 years old and these are things I am STILL working on myself. I think I need to learn to accept that doing the best that I can is enough. I need to take my own advice and take things one day at a time. The things that we go through are normal and necessary. You can't have rainbows without a little rain.