Under Pressure

Everyone in my house is stressed out right now. I hate it so much. My husband has been crazy busy at work and he is ALMOST done school. This man is at the finish line. I need him to be done. Every spare minute he has the past 3 years is writing a paper or studying for a test. I feel bad for him. He's stressed.

 My oldest is in a bunch of clubs, we are in full audition season, she is taking Algebra 2 this semester and math is her kryptonite. I try to give her pep-talks every day. "Okay, I'm going to need you to not cry in math class today. Just try. Please." She is getting help from her former math teacher which is helping but the amount of homework has been off the chain. Honestly, f*ck Algebra 2. They need to replace Algebra 2 with Math in Life where they teach kids about mortgages, calculating interest, doing taxes and making budgets. Advanced math should be offered but advanced math is not for everyone. Advanced math was not for me. I feel for her. 

My youngest is stressed. She joined the track team. I am SUPER proud of her. She is a creature of habit and she really had to step out of her comfort zone. She really likes it. It's not track that's stressing her out though. It's school. Spanish is killing her softly. She gets upset if she doesn't have 98s or above. That is not coming from me. I'm over here like: a 91 is still an A, Bs are pretty good, Cs get degrees. The other night she was having a flip-out about school and I finally was like, "You are going to need better coping skills or to lower your standards." She hated me for saying that. She cannot take AP in high school. The level of suffering is high. 

I'm stressed but that is a constant state of existence for me. I have a zillion work projects, my house needs to be cleaned. My house is clean but it needs to be DEEP cleaned. Baseboards need to be repainted, carpets need to be steamed, the tile needs to be scrubbed. Uggggh. Everyone has had doctors appointment this month. We are going on our 9th appointment this upcoming week. Dentist appointments, eye appointments, orthodontist appointments, physicals.... There is the mental load of keeping track of upcoming events and making sure the household is running smoothly. Everyone being stressed out is stressing me out. This shit is wack. 

Yesterday was my birthday. I had a ton of things to do. I woke up just exhausted. My husband made breakfast and lunches and cleaned the kitchen for me because he is an actual saint. The kids were low-key grumpy. I was like, "Can I have one day a year where you are pleasant in the morning or is that a no?" That put me in a bad mood. I worked in the morning and then I needed to go to the grocery store. 

I got my list together and then I googled what kind of free shit I could get for my birthday. Moes gives you a free burrito on your birthday if you download their app. I did it, I put my birthday in. They never sent my reward for a free burrito. I was hardcore triggered. Never eating at Moes again.

I just wore my yoga pants and sweatshirt to the grocery store. I looked like a hobo but that's how I always look so whatever. On the way home, I stopped at the liquor store to get a gift for my friend. She has the same birthday as me and invited us over for steaks and boardgames. I go in and get her signature drink and went up to the cashier. 

I always get carded. Like 95% of the time. I like it. It appeals to my ego. This lady looked me up and down and said, "Okay. That will be $12." I slunk back to my car with my black bag feeling sorry for myself. I came home and unloaded the groceries. I was tired. 

I made myself lunch and then I decided I would fix a hot chocolate and read the news and take a little rest. I sat there feeling bad for myself. I look like an old hag, my kids don't appreciate me, I'm 36 and what am I doing with my life? My growing to-do list was looming over my head.....

Then I said, "F*ck this!" I decided I was going to shirk my responsibilities. I texted my friend and told her I was dressing up because I needed to feel pretty. That's what I did. I took a hot bath. I shaved my legs. I took a long nap. I put on a cute dress that I stole from my teenage daughter. It's actually mine because I purchased it so I didn't actually steal it. 

I did my hair and make-up. Then, I stood in front of the mirror and I studied my face. Is it the same face that it's always been? We change so slowly, how can one even tell? I have this line on my brow and some crows feet but I can see myself still. I felt pretty, like a woman. I never feel like a woman. I mostly just feel like a scullery maid. I'm a mom. I'm dedicated to that but sometimes I just want to be a sexy lady. Sometimes I just want to belong to myself. Does that make sense?

I came downstairs and my husband was rushing around loading things into the car. "I'm going to need you to stop what you are doing and tell me that I am beautiful." He put his arms around me and kissed me on the mouth. "You're always beautiful." 

I wouldn't say always, but husbands over time learn what they are supposed to say. We had steaks and asparagus with our friends and then cheesecake and cocktails for dessert. We played games and laughed. It was a nice, low-key night. In the end, my birthday was not complete garbage.

But today is a new day. Because I shirked my responsibilities yesterday afternoon, I now get to suffer all weekend. Oh well, it was kind of worth it. 

Here Comes My Annual Pre-Birthday Existential Crisis

My birthday is on Friday. I used to hate my birthday. I never understood the people who celebrate all month, all weekend.  I haven't looked forward to my birthday for a long as I can remember. Growing up it kind of just felt like an afterthought. I do celebrate it. I let my husband do things for me, and we always have cake and blow out candles but for years I simply did it for my husband and children. Because it would be low-key weird and f*cked up if you don't celebrate mom's birthday.

I've grown neutral about my birthday in the past few years. I don't dread it like I used to. I just accept it. I use it as an excuse to be lazy, which is nice. I still will do the shit that I need to do. Run errands. Do the laundry. My husband will inevitably be annoyed that I did the laundry on my birthday and I will remind him that I am not a special princess and that life must go on.

Last year was great because we went to Mexico City to celebrate my birthday. What an amazing trip it was. We got back the day before my actual birthday. I got so sick. Last year on my actual birthday, I was legit dying. My husband made a cake and everything and I was like, "I can only eat toast and drink Gatorade." I shit 80 times that week. EIGHTY. I remember because I kept count. I walked out of the bathroom at 3 in the morning, my husband looked concerned. "Are you okay?" I cried. "I shit EIGHTY times this week. I think I might be dying." "Dude, you should go to the hospital." I was like, "Nah. I'm about to drink 100 oz of Gatorade though." That's a memory. The other day I asked him, "Remember when I was shitting myself on my birthday last year?" He was like:
                                          
I can laugh about it now but it was bad. I can't just take a trip every year on my birthday - I can't really afford it, plus January is a sucky month for weather. So I am accepting my annual pre-birthday existential crisis.

I will be 36 years old. That's young. It's young but old enough that I know things so I think it's a good age to be. I honestly don't mind getting older. I'm in great shape, I feel good, my life really isn't that hard. I really should have no complaints. The thing is, I can't escape this crushing feeling that I haven't accomplished anything in my life.

Which, on the surface is crazy. I have checked off the boxes. Married for 17 years, 2 beautiful children, graduated from college, own my home, had amazing jobs, became a lactation consultant, I volunteer. What more do I want? I think that is the craziest thing. I really don't know. Maybe I thought I would be more interesting or something. I don't really care about having a lot of money or notoriety. I guess that's for me to find out. What fun would it be to accomplish all of the things? You know?

I look back at my life and I feel like most of what I have accomplished is really overcoming obstacles. I have been through very dark times in my life and I have walked through that. I am a child bride that somehow stayed married and we love each other. I had two kids in college and I finished. I feel like I spent the first part of my life really climbing and clawing to get on everyone else's level.

I think my biggest accomplishment is my kids. Which is such a bullshit, cliche thing to say. I have dedicated my lives to them. Fully and completely. I know that they feel loved and supported. I have great relationships with them. So that is a win.

I have helped a lot of moms. A ton. I am good at getting a baby on a boob. Does that count as an accomplishment? I have talked many new moms through breakdowns. That is something good I did.

I have a servant's heart. I am always willing to help out. I have spent years volunteering my time. In the classroom, for my kid's activities. I hate how they make fun of PTA moms on the internet. We aren't all pseudo-power hungry upitty bitches. I do what I can, when I can and it has given me satisfaction.

I am a stand-in mom to other kids. Sometimes I'll walk into school and I'll hear "Hey mom!" "Madre!" and it's not my kid. I always get random hugs from kids. I have watched many of these kids grow up. I'll be at the middle school and this big 8th grader will walk up to me and I'll say, "I remember when you were in 3rd grade and you always wore the same red pants. They were your favorite." It's crazy because I do remember things like that.

Just yesterday, I went to pick up my daughter's two friends from the high school. She wasn't even there because she had an eye doctor appointment that ran late. I was taking her friend to an event that was part of her birthday present. Love this child, would do anything for her. I'll call her Adopted, because I always say she's my adopted child.

As I'm driving, I'm thinking about how I'm turning 36 and have not accomplished anything in my life.  I spend a LOT of time in the car and that's what I do - contemplate life.....or sing songs about selling drugs and big booty hoes. There is no in-between. On this particular day, I was contemplating life.

I pull up to the school and the kids get in the car. I ask Adopted how her day was. She just sobbed. And sobbed and sobbed. Then she started to talk. Once they start to talk, it all comes out. She told me all the things that were upsetting her. I just drove and listened. I dropped off the other friend, picked up my oldest and dropped her off at work, and then it was just me and Adopted going to this event together.

We talked about everything. I gave my insight as an adult. And reassurance. Sometimes kids want guidance on how to solve their problems and sometimes they just want someone to tell them that it will be okay. Life can be so heavy sometimes for these kids and they have to know that it gets better. It doesn't always get less heavy, but you get stronger and the load gets easier to carry. She was better. She had gotten it all out.

After the event, I said, "You want Chik-fil-a?" That always helps a hard day. She was so cute, "Can I get a milkshake too?" she asked. "Yeah, bitch!" I replied. I really did say that. I don't want anyone going around thinking I am a saint or anything. I got her Chikfila and drove her home and she was in good spirits. She spoke about plans for this weekend and we joked.

After I dropped her off, I drove home and was like, "Okay, God. I get it." And I do. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing. It is not glamorous, there is no praise or recognition but I have done good in my life. I have a good heart and I always try to do the right thing. That has to count for something, right?

Besides, I'm only 36. I am young. Bram Stoker didn't write Dracula until he was 50, Julia Child was 51 when she published her first cookbook, Henry Ford didn't design the Model T until he was 45. Maybe I will do great things. Maybe I'll write a book or become a stand-up comedian. I'll be like, "So, this one time, I shit EIGHTY times in a week...." I don't know what will happen but I'm going to bank on the fact that one day I'll be pretty damn great.

Parents of Teenagers Bingo

                              
My husband and I were driving to a party a few weeks ago and having a chat. He was telling me about work. He works with other dads and I'm pretty sure we have the oldest kids of the bunch. He laughs because sometimes they will come to him for advice. You know, a seasoned, veteran dad with two teenage daughters who hasn't run away yet - there has to be some wisdom there.

So his co-worker was explaining this situation where his 7-year-old daughter went to a friend's house and they watched a show or listened to a song she's not allowed to at home. It wasn't anything scandalous but still, it broke the rules. And he was like, "How do you get your daughters to do what you want them to do?" He laughed and laughed and was like, "I don't." And the guy was like,
                                               
My husband said, "Yeah, I really feel bad because I feel like they want me to bring them some sort of reassurance or something. He says stuff like, "My kids will never......" and I'm like, "They probably will." Then he went on to talk about this other guy that has a baby and he thinks my husband is just the best dad ever and that our kids are the best. I chuckled. "Well, it seems like our social media family PR campaign is working." Bless us.

The thing is, my husband is an amazing father and I have great kids. Highly involved, highly motivated, smart, healthy, beautiful girls. Some of that we have something to do with and most of it, they get full credit. They are great kids but they are not perfect. They are like any other kids. But no one is going to share their kids' mistakes and fuck-ups like they do their accomplishments. Although, Facebook would be a lot funnier if they did.

How DO you get your kids to do what you want them to do? Isn't that the eternal question? Everyone knows that kids just do what they want to do. Jerks. All you can do is instill your morals and values into them early, talk to them, and establish rules and boundaries. That's all you can do. Then, they have to make their own decisions. They are not extensions of us. They are their own people, with their own ideas and free will. As parents, we think we have control and in some ways we do, but much less than we think we do. There are environments that we can control but we can't control who they are. We can't be with them 100% of the time.

Welcome to Parent of Teenagers Bingo

                   
It's like the shittiest game of BINGO because instead of winning money, you only get a nervous breakdown. This is not a comprehensive list, for sure. I mean, that's all that will fit on the board. If your kids haven't reached this age yet - take a look. Really, it's like pick your own adventure.

I laugh but it's really not even funny. You have all these lofty ideals and expectations and then you find yourself sitting on the couch (probably during the middle school years) with your head in your hands, praying to God that you survive this. That is some real parent shit. Then after a few years you'll be like:
        

Don't say "not your kid." Not because I think it's a naive or self-righteous thing but because saying "not my kid' is bad juju. Every not-my-kid person I know has had a rough time. I more of a I-hope-not-my-kid-but-anything-is-possible kind of mom. hahaha. I'm more of a probably-but-hopefully-no one-finds-out kind of mom.

I always send my kids horrible articles as "warnings" about things and they are always like, "I would never do this" and I'm like, "I'm just making you aware." Anytime, I see a new article about something I feel like they need to know about, I send it over:

"Girl Electrocutes Self in the Tub While Charging Cellphone with an Extension Cord."
"Honor Students Die After Taking Drugs for the First Time."
"New STD Discovered."
"Teens Lung Collapses from Excessive Vaping"
"Teen Dies After Butt Chugging 40 oz of Vodka"
"High Schoolers Paralyzed After Texting and Driving"
"Girl Raped After Meeting Stranger in Target Parking Lot"

They need to know about these things. They are out there. I would like to think none of these things are possible for my girls but I'm going to talk about it JUST in case. You know? They get annoyed with me. But I'm just covering all my bases. If you do some dumb shit, that's on you because I told you.

In general, though, I have good kids. They keep out of trouble and if they are doing bad shit, I'm not aware of it and I'm just over here living in my blissful ignorance. So good luck with the child-rearing. May you only win Bingo once or twice.