This is 2020

          
It's 2020! We had a nice New Years' Eve. We host a party for the kids every other year and this was our quiet year. I invited my best friend's family over and it was just me, my husband and my youngest. My oldest made plans with friends this year. This was the first New Years that she didn't spend with us. She came home from work on New Year's Eve around 6:30 and popped into the kitchen where I was busy making snacks. "What's the plan?" I asked.

She looked so pretty standing there in her Chikfila uniform, telling me the timeline for the evening. I asked a million questions. "There will be parents? What's the address? Who else is going to be there?" She rolled her eyes and looked annoyed. I looked her dead in the eyes. "You are priceless to me. You are worth more to me than a million dollars. Could you imagine if you owned a million dollars and you were just putting it in a bag and sending it with someone for the night? You would have questions and stipulations too." She laughed. "I know." "Well, you know the rules. You need to text me when you get back to your friend's house safe and if you need me to pick you up for any reason - I will do it. No questions asked. Do you understand?" She nodded her head, "Yes, ma'am. It will be fine. I love you mama."

She went upstairs to get ready. I continued cooking. My husband wandered in to grope me because he always does that when I'm in the kitchen. "What's wrong?" he asked when he saw the look on my face. "I don't want her going out tonight," I said. "Why? You have no reason not to let her," he replied. "I know that. I just want her here with me." He looked at me sideways. "That's not a good reason." I sighed, "I know that. I'm letting her go and I'm going to act like it's fine. I just need a quick minute to collect myself."

She is so busy. If she is not at school or work or church or sleeping, she is out with her friends or her new boyfriend AKA Josh (I think he looks like a young Josh Hartnett). I see her in passing. We hang out here and there but she is gone more than she is here. She will be 16 this year. We have junior and senior year ahead of us. That is all. She is like sand slipping through my fingers. I mostly just try not to think about it. I can't because when I do - it literally takes my breath away.

She went off with her friend and I got ready. I don't care if I'm just sitting in my living room - I'm going to dress up and be sparkly for NYE. My youngest came downstairs looking like a supermodel. She has grown into such a beautiful young woman. She is so smart and so stunning. I adore her. I laid out our spread (I made too much food as usual) and she put on music and danced together in the living room, which cheered me up.

My friends showed up and we played "2019 Jeopardy", ate lots of food, set off fireworks and I drank too much champagne. Frenchie and my brother showed up unexpectedly (which made me happy) and we gathered in the living room to count down the New Year and watch the ball drop. Then we banged pots and pans outside which I'm pretty sure the neighbors hated.

Just like that - the decade was over. I thought about the significance of it. The 10's (is that what we are calling them?) is the decade that will define my children's childhoods. It will be the decade that they came of age. The decade that in many ways define who they are (I'm a 90s kid forever). It's the decade that they will always look back on with a romanticized nostalgia.

It was a good decade if you can even define blocks of time as "good" or "bad." Ten years ago, I was 25 years old. We had been married for 7 years and the girls were just 3 and 5. So much has happened since then. My favorite thing this decade is that we really have traveled!!!

We have walked barefoot across the lawn at Mount Vernon, enjoyed a ghost tour in Colonial Williamsburg, stood in the center of Times Square, hiked in the Badlands, went horseback riding in the Black Hills, watched a shoot-out in Deadwood, sang the national anthem at Mount Rushmore, rode water slides in Atlantis in the Bahamas, admired the Coliseum and Roman Forum, swam in the French Riveria, toured the Biltmore (tons of times), rode a carousel in Florence, explored Pompeii, ate gelato in Barcelona, had cherry blossoms rain down on us in Tokyo and climbed to the top of the ancient pyramids in Mexico. There were tons of other little trips - to Disney World, St. Augustine, Georgia, Tennessee.... We've traveled for work. I've seen Pittsburg covered in snow, stayed in a haunted hotel in West Virginia, danced the night away in Las Vegas, seen wild horses wandering the desert in Arizona, trips to Chicago, St. Louis and Miami. My husband has been even luckier- he's spent weeks in Germany, explored Paris, San Antonio, San Francisco, Hawaii.

I don't think the children even realize how amazing it is. I hope when they grow up that they really appreciate that they have been able to see the world in their youth and that they continue to travel. We really have seen a lot. It really blows my mind because we are just two poor kids from New Jersey. Never in my wildest dreams did I think our lives would be this good or that we would have so many adventures.

We have had so many good times and made so many memories but life isn't pretty and happy all the time. I lost my job, my parents' divorced, my husband had some complicated family issues, we have really struggled with the realities that come long with rasing middle school daughters. There have been failures, loss, and disappointment. People have come and gone from our lives.  We have attended wedding and funerals. There have been births and deaths. There has been yelling and screaming and tears and struggles. We have prayed hard. We have held on tight to each other. There have been good and bad times but there has been a beauty in all of it.

When I look back, it doesn't even seem real. The quickness of the time passing and all the things we have squeezed into this that time. You wake up one day and suddenly you are here, in this moment. You look at your children and you search for any semblance of the baby you once held on your chest. You blinked and your daughters became women. And you look at your husband and he's not 19 anymore. He has grey in his beard and lines around his eye. You look in the mirror and remark at your own beauty fading. Or maybe it's not fading at all. Maybe it's being replaced with something better. Maybe you are finally starting to grow into yourself. You look around and you realize that you have all the things that you had once wished for. And sometimes you think that this all must be some kind of dream, and if it is - you don't want to wake up from it.

I'm grateful. For everything, for all of it.  It's been a good life. I'm excited for the next 10 years. We will launch the children (God-willing, hahaha). In 10 years, I will have a 25 and 23-year-old. I can't even think that far ahead because I can't really stomach my children living away from me. I'm just going to take things a year at a time. This is a time for stillness, for reflecting. I'm going to focus on making memories with my children, traveling, filling my life with positive, supportive people, laughing and loving my husband. 

Maybe I'll write this stupid blog more often, maybe I won't and will just keep all my secrets to myself. I'm just going to do what I feel - because honestly, life is too short for anything but that.

Happy New Year to you! May the next year & decade be filled with joy, love, prosperity and many wonderful adventures!