Slow Down

                  
I was texting with a friend this week and we were remarking about the children and she said, "Yours are on fast forward!" Yes, it certainly feels that way. Everyone tells you that it will be that way. "Enjoy the time, it goes by fast." "You'll blink your eyes and then they are grown." It really is true.

My youngest is ready to break free of middle school. On the way to school this morning she was like, "I'm just ready to move on with it." It's kind of weird to think that after 6 years, I won't have kids at the middle school anymore. I think the middle school years are the hardest ones so far, so I'm glad about it.

She has really grown as a person these past few years. The transition out of gymnastics has been difficult for her but she has joined the track team and found a new love. I am really proud of her. I think it took a lot of guts for her to try something new. She really enjoys it. I think for the first time in years, she is really enjoying her life. She is coming into her own.

A few weeks ago, she came home after practice and I asked how it was. "We ran a mile today. I was the third-to-last in." She looked a bit disappointed but followed with, "But I finished." I love that about her. About both my girls actually, they just go out there and do their best.

They did a Run-a-Thon a few Saturday's back and her sister had an audition that day. I figured out that I could go to the audition and then catch the last hour of the Run-a-Thon. I sat in the stands and just quietly watched her run. I didn't call her name or wave. She hates having attention brought to her. Afterward, she seemed annoyed with me. "You didn't need to come, you know. I'm independent. I don't need you here."

She doesn't realize. She thinks that I show up because I THINK she needs me there. I had to laugh at that. No. No, she doesn't. She doesn't NEED me to be there. She can totally go to her meets and do fine and I don't need to be there. But I will be there. On the way home, I tried to explain it to her. If she is competing, I will be there. Every time. What else am I going to do? Sit at home on a Saturday while she is competing? Sometimes with two kids, they have events at the same time, so we divide and conquer, but there is always someone there. Sure I go to support them but I go for ME. I love the shit out of these kids. We invest time and money. There is nowhere I would rather be. I only have this time for a little bit.

So she agreed that I can go to meets, not scrimmages. I'm not allowed to call out her name, but I can watch. I agreed to her terms and conditions. But I know, when she grows up she will be glad that I showed up for her.

She picked her high school classes last week. She is so funny. She wants to graduate high school with her associate's degree. So she has been pouring over the schedule. She is interested in the middle college in 11th grade as well as CLEP. The other night at dinner she was like, "Tell me how CLEP tests work again?" She can totally do it. She is smart. Like, doesn't have to try that hard smart. So we were in the guidance office and she had to pick her electives and she was having the hardest time. "I'd like auto-tech," she said. It took me by surprise, "Auto-tech?" She nodded. "Well, some of these classes I'll never use, but I will be driving a car my entire life so it will teach me things I need to know." So logical. So sensible. That is who she is.

 She applied to the Governor's School Summer Program in the fall. We told her that she had to do a summer camp this year. She liked the idea of forensic camp. We looked at some programs in the South East. $3,000+ for one week. WTF?!?!?! Who can even afford that? She is interested in the Governor's School but was having this whole hang-up of being in her sister's shadow. She applied for Creative Writing, which is a totally different art area so I don't think that will be an issue. It's her chance to shine at something she is good it. She's a wonderful writer. She was writing fan fiction last year and sharing it with all her friends. A weird thing for a 7th grader, but something she enjoyed. I think it will be a good experience for her. She has good things going for her.

My oldest daughter is like sand between my fingers. Sophomore year will be over in a flash. She got her drivers license the other day, which she was so excited about. I watched her as she stood in front of the white screen and I couldn't help but wonder what happened to my little girl. She is a young woman. She looks just like I did when I was her age, except for her father's eyebrows.  It's so weird, sometimes I feel like I'm looking at a reflection of myself.

On the way home I said, "I'm going to miss our car rides together. I like having you trapped in the car with me." She laughed, "You'll figure out another way." As soon as we got home, she left to take an instrument to her friend's house. I handed her my keys, "Fill up my tank while you are out." She nodded, "Yes, ma'am." Then, she just got into the car and drove off. That night we laid in bed and went through the highlights of our day. "I can't believe our kid is going to drive herself to school tomorrow." My husband sighed, "It is both joyful and terrifying."

Only two years left until college. She MAY go live 3 hours away at a residential high school starting next year. We should find out on April 1st if she is accepted. I feel anxious. I am one that needs to plan and there will be lots to do.

Her 1 year Chik-fil-a work anniversary is April 6th. She is excited about that. I'm proud of her sticking with God's chicken. From the outside, she kind of looks like a spoiled princess but she cleans toilets and takes out the trash and works HARD. It is good for her soul. We are proud as hell of her.

 We are working on teaching her adulting. I make her fill out her own paperwork now and see the doctor herself. She had an appointment a few weeks ago and I didn't go back with her. "You know what pharmacy we use, don't forget a doctor's note." I waited in the waiting room and after a while, I got a text from her. "The doctor just left. What do I do? Can I just leave?" I chuckled. She hated it, but she did it.

Both the girls have debit cards. When she gets paid, she is responsible for depositing her own check. Her card was compromised and we showed her how to notify the bank. When her new card came in, we made her activate it and set up her pin. When she wanted to switch a class out this semester, I did not call the school. I told her to go to the guidance counselor and fill out the paperwork and she did.

It's not her favorite, but we are really pushing her to do a lot of things on her own and manage her life. Sometimes, I think she thinks that I'm trying to cut her loose or something. I know that it's going to be easier for her to learn how to do these things NOW while we are here than to send her out into the world to figure it out. We are in the consultive stage of parenting.

It's weird because when you have a baby, your time is spent just keeping them alive and surviving. Then one day, they become toddlers and you feel a sense of panic. Of "Oh Shit! I have to teach you how to be a human being." You spend your days teaching them basic life skills. You take them in the bathroom with you so they can learn how to wipe their ass. You teach them to drink from an open cup. You teach them to walk. They hold onto your fingers and take a step or 2, holding on for dear life. They can do it, you know they can, but they need you there. Then, they walk on their own. At first, it isn't pretty; they bang into walls and fall down. You're taking them to the grocery store with a big-ass bruise in the middle of their forehead hoping nobody calls CPS on you.

You take them to the park and they wander and they play, but every so often they look back JUST to make sure you are still there. You are, they are reassured and then they go back to playing. So much work goes into those years, but then you have a functional human being.

Then, you enter the golden years, 4-9. Great years. The kids wipe their own ass, they fix their own snacks, you can mostly reason with them. They are fun, funny, joyful. They are not self-aware yet so they are full of confidence and love themselves. AND you. It's the best time in childhood.

Then comes puberty. Which is basically 3-4 years of confused screaming.
                            

Then comes this part. The pre-launch. It is EXACTLY like toddler parenting accept on a deeper, more complex level. It's like we are teaching her to walk and she is holding onto our fingers. Really, she's doing it. But we are here- helping, guiding, and reassuring.

I think both the kids are going to be fine. I used to be so overwhelmed with the number of things I needed to teach them to succeed and function in life. Sometimes, they are not willing to learn. But I have come to realize that they do not need to know it all when they leave us and go off into the world. They simply have the confidence that they can and will figure it out. They need to be flexible and have grit. They will. They are not special snowflakes. They are strong, they will do great.

The girls often tell us that they don't want to grow up. A concept that baffles my husband and I. We wanted nothing more than to grow up but our circumstances are different than theirs. The idea of growing up seems so overwhelming and terrible. Becoming a grown-up is like going to Tokyo. You get ready to go, you think you are prepared. You watched the movies, you know what it looks like and made your plans. Then you show up in Tokyo and it looks like the movies you'd watched but everything is bigger and brighter and the language barrier is much more intimidating than you expected.

You get on the wrong train. You are tired. You are frustrated. You wonder if you had made a terrible mistake and could just go home. But you can't because you are in Tokyo now. So the next day, you revise your plans a bit. You go back out into the city and explore. Things are still a little confusing, but better. On the third day, you know exactly where you are going. It's still a little strange but you feel much more comfortable. By the end, you feel like you've lived there for months. You've adjusted to the customs and the food. It's different than anything you'd ever known but not in a bad way. Also, you have spent all your money.

We explained it to them that way (imagine visiting Japan in middle school, what a life) and they were like "Oh! That makes sense." Like is like that - you make plans and you are flexible and you figure it out.

I am trying to take it all in. Even when it feels overwhelming, even when I feel like life is on fast forward and I would do anything to make it slow down. I try to burn moments into my memories. These are good years.