July was long for us. In some ways, longer than March was. A lot of feelings, a lot of disappointment, a lot of pandemic fatigue. I have been unable to see a light at the end of this tunnel and that has been difficult. I have been marinating in it for some time now. How can we get through this time without any end in sight? How can I make sure my children can get what they need and keep them safe? How can I get to the other side of my anger if I feel like I am drowning in it?
I have spent a lot of time, being alone in my thoughts, reflecting and praying. I am grateful to my children. They keep me going. Even on days where I feel like everything is falling apart and I am at the very end of my rope, I will still get up and make balloon garlands for birthdays, and plan little outings, and make special meals. I read this thing about as mothers, we are the keepers of everyone's sadness and disappointment. That just resonated so much. It really is true. But the small things that I do to try to get the children excited (or distracted) and attempting to create some sort of normalcy has given me purpose.
My husband has been fabulous. He has really struggled this month too. Not openly, but in his silent kind of way. Parents are only as happy as their saddest child and the disappointment crushed him as well. We have been doing a really good job of supporting each other. If he is having a bad day or seems off, I make him get out of the house and take a walk with me. If I'm having a dark day, he'll step in and help with the housework or make me breakfast, and sometimes, he just rubs my back. It's his way of saying, "I know you are struggling, and I'm here and will walk through this with you," without saying anything at all. We've been really leaning on each other a lot and that is a blessing.
The last time I wrote a blog, I talked about how they were playing Christmas songs on the radio and I thought it was strange. That night, I was making Shrimp Scampi for dinner. I had the radio playing Christmas music, because why not? It was strange that it was on the menu that day because we ALWAYS have Shrimp Scampi on Christmas Eve. So, I'm cooking and singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" and it felt weirdly like December 24th. I called my family in for dinner and placed the plates on the table and then went to shut off the radio.
"It's feels like Christmas!" my oldest declared. "I love Christmas" my youngest said. "It's really right around the corner," I said. "It will be fall before we know it." "Fall is my FAVORITE," my oldest said. It's all of ours. "OMG! Yesssss! Let's go all in this year. I'm buying all the pumpkin spice candles, we'll eat soup and do all-the-things." The girls got excited and started talking about all the fun things we do in September-December that covid can't cancel. Drinking hot chocolate and watching spooky movies, the corn maze (I think it will be open), carving pumpkins. We decided that if they cancel trick or treating, we'll still have a "party" with just us. We'll dress up and build a fire and listen to our Halloween playlist and eat sweets. We always watch the Thanksgiving Day parade on Thanksgiving, but if it's canceled we decided we'll watch the one from 2007. It's on Youtube. That way all the balloons will be from when THEY were kids. We'll make cinnamon buns and play games.
Of course, we'll do all the Christmas things. The drive-through lights are perfect for covid time, and there will be crafts and movies and food and the hope of a New Year around the corner. We don't participate in holidays with our extended families anymore, and so there is no loss there. We will do what we always do, celebrate quietly, just us. My brother-in-law told me once that "Everyone knows that I only care about my 4." Some would think this a rude or harsh thing to say, but I always appreciate people who speak the truth. He's right in a lot of ways. I used to dread the holidays, there used to be so stressful and awkward and terrible. I don't only care about my 4, but I care about my 4 the most, and unapologetically so. We are quite content in each other's company and I am excited about it.
While we sat at the table and talked about the approaching months, the darkness lifted a bit. My girls were EXCITED about something. In that moment, I decided that 2020 and it's stank coochie energy can go somewhere else. We are going away for a long weekend this week, to just have a reset. When we get back, I'm going to decorate for the fall. I don't care if it's August and 100 degrees inside. I am baking a pumpkin pie and pretending it's here already. We need that.
My oldest will start school virtually but they did approve her to go on campus for 2 weeks in November. I'm not counting on it AT ALL, but if it could happen, it will be good. I'm going to buy her a "Class of 2022" shirt for the first day of school and take her to a special breakfast. I've been connecting with other parents in the area to form "study groups" so the kids can interact and do their school work. She seems really open to it and while she's not excited about it, she seems to have accepted. We are going to do everything we can to make this special for her and pray that she gets a normal senior year.
My heart aches for the Class of 2021, many of them aren't going back. Some kids went to school on a random day in March and they never knew they would never go back to school again. I saw one child last week, a rising senior and he said he wasn't going back. "How are feeling about it?" I asked him. He shrugged. "Everything is ruined anyway." I worry about the kids. Not just the teenagers, all the young people. All of this is so hard, I pray for them.
We have elected for my youngest to go back to school face-to-face. They make you sign a liability waiver. People are really upset about the waiver. I've signed a lot of these waivers. When she did gymnastics, horseback riding, even trampoline parks have the "assume the risk of serious injury or death." It is not an easy thing. If I felt like my child could thrive and be a whole person and receive the education she needs virtually, I would keep her home. But that is not the case. I know I'll probably get shamed about this decision, but I've gotten shamed about a lot of my decisions and I honestly, don't give one f*ck.
We are holding on, for now. We are here. God is here. We are just doing the best we can.
No comments:
Post a Comment