The Year There Was No Sex Ed

 

My 14-year-old is going back to school next week. She is excited about it. I am excited for her but I don't really care about it. Meet the teacher? Don't care. Processes and procedures? Don't care. What's actually happening? Don't care. My sadness and anger have faded into this weird numbness. I feel nothing at all. Which I love. Not feeling my feelings is 10-out-of-10 my favorite thing ever.  

There are things that need to be done. I cleaned out her book bag and all the things that had been there since that day in March that she went to 8th grade and never went back again. We purchased some basic school supplies. I thought about the things she missed at the end of the school year. "You didn't have sex ed this year," I said. She shrugged, "No one did." 

NO ONE had sex ed last year. That really hit me hard. Everyone that knows me, or reads this blog knows that sex education is my soapbox. I've worked in women's health for so long that it is ingrained in me. I was really triggered about it. 

The thing that really bothers me about sex ed in my state is that they only do it in middle school. After 8th grade, they get 0 sex education. ZERO. I feel like high school would be the prime time to share this information considering that about 40% of US high school students are sexually active. Those are 2017 numbers, but still. 

That means that the conversation needs to shift for high schoolers and we are doing them a huge disservice by denying them education and resources. My daughter last year came home and was telling me about this kid that had a side hustle selling condoms to other kids. Y'all - $20 for a 2-pack. TWENTY DOLLARS. That is like a 1,500% mark-up. I appreciate his entrepreneurial spirit but that just blew my mind. I told her, "Seriously, tell everyone they can get a free bag of condoms from the health department. All they have to do is walk-in at the front and ask. Tell everyone." I'm that mom. I worked with a lady at the health department that had teenagers and she left a whole jar of condoms on a table by her front door. It was a take- one -if -you -need- one -arrangement.  Like, I'm cool, but I'm not that cool.  

My daughter had a friend who became a father recently. Which blows my mind. I can see this child in my mind's eye -a mischievous middle schooler. Now he is a parent, we have that in common. It can and does happen. It's not just other people's kids. We have got to do better. 

We talk about sex a lot. Not like, a weird amount but when there is an opportunity, I take advantage of it. For instance, this whole WAP song was a great open door. I always have kids in my house and they were singing it and I looked into it. I am not the pearl-clutching type but even I was like: 

 This lady was really bragging about her WAP, honestly, that's a weird flex. I was like, "It's not supposed to really be like that. If someone needs a mop and bucket for their WAP, they probably need to see a doctor because their shit is not right," I said. Somebody get Cardi to the hospital and get her some IV fluid because she is probably dehydrated. It really was a great opportunity for us to talk about sex and how women are often objectified. They actually had really great insights and they all were in a consensus that easy access to pornography has ruined their generation. "I feel like the world would be better off if they just banned Pornhub." I thought Gen Z would be more laid-back and anything goes about it but they had really strong feelings about it, which surprised me. 

I think we owe it more to our children and especially our daughters to do better. One pet peeve I have about sex education is the gender bias in it. Males learn about wet dreams and girls learn about their periods. Women in society are objectified yet there is this underlying idea that sex is dirty and wrong - at least for women. Which is super damaging and confusing. Men are supposed to want and enjoy sex but not women. If they do, there is a lot of shame associated with that. Many women carry those attitudes into adulthood and it is horrible and damaging. 

I think that women are deserving of satisfying and empowering sex lives. They are deserving of experiences where they feel confident and empowered. But it's a journey. Sex is like riding a bike to the corner store. People around you are going to the store- and they are talking about how great it is. There are slushies and all the candy bars and it's the best. Then one day, you are like "I'm pretty sure I'm ready to ride my bike to the corner store. I finally got a bike, it's time." Then you get on the bike and you barely get out of the driveway. You certainly don't make it to the corner store. 

Men, men are made to go to the corner store. They spend their lives coming and going to the corner store and they make it look so easy. But for women, it's an art. But now you've already gotten on the bike, so you try again and this time you make it past the driveway but not exactly to the corner store. Sometimes you don't even enjoy riding your bike because you're worried about the way your calves look when you pedal or that your butt is too big for the seat. 

Unless you've walked to the corner store yourself, you don't even know if you are going in the right direction. You definitely should walk to the corner store. Sometimes the bike gets too excited and you fall off and they just head to the corner store without you, leaving you on curb. They come back with slushy in hand. "Wasn't it great at the corner store?" and you lie and nod say that you finished your slushy already so you don't damage your bike's ego. 

Maybe the bike has been watching the Tour de France and it has given the bike ideas of what the ride to the corner store should be. Maybe the bike wants you to be Lance Armstrong. But how can you be Lance Armstrong? Lance trained for that, he is a professional. That is not fair. Maybe the bike wants you to sit on handlebars. You don't have to sit on the handlebars if you don't want to. If this is your bike, THROW THE WHOLE BIKE AWAY. 

Then one day, you are going to find your bike. The seat will be perfect, the handlebars were meant for your hands. Your bike will never leave you behind and will make sure you go to the corner store together. And over time, things will seem easy. You will ride to the corner store so easily. You'll forget that your calves look weird when you pedal - you'll just enjoy the wind in your hair and the scenery. You will be able to pop wheelies and let go of the handlebars and even close your eyes. But it takes a lot of practice and time and that's part of the journey. 

Does any of that make sense? My point is - the expectation of what sex is and the reality are two completely different things and I don't think we talk about that enough and we really do a disservice but not talking about it. Women are entitled to have positive, enjoyable, consensual, and empowering sexual experiences. I think that is normal and healthy and important and I will always express that to my daughters. I don't care how much that hate it or how embarrassing it is.  I love this Ted Talk: 

I implore you- if your child missed out on sex education this spring. Talk to them. It is your job. Don't let them pay $20 for a 2-pack of condoms from a random kid in the high school hallway. Make sure they know that WAP is not normal. Don't let them walk about being uninformed. Balance messages about safety and consent with positive messages that don't foster shame and gender inequality. Happy bike riding!