It's nearly April. I'm not exactly sure where the time went. It's been busy. I've been working a lot. It's good. Working is the only thing that makes sense to me right now. It is a very linear thing. Wake up in the morning, go to the computer, and complete tasks. I am in control of it and it fills my time. A therapist said to me that sometimes people who work all the time are avoiding something. To which I responded, "You mean my existential dread and the loss of my purpose as a mother now that my kids are older? Well, no shit, Sherlock! Except, I didn't say "No shit, Sherlock!"
There is some sense of normalcy right now. The children are back in school, they are both working, activities have resumed but things are not really normal at all. My youngest participated in the school pageant this past weekend. It was supposed to be in February but it was postponed because 1/2 of the girls were quarantined. She was so disappointed when they canceled it, we didn't hold out hope that it would happen at all, but it did.
We went out and did all the things- purchased a dress, got her a spray tan, dyed her hair. It reminded me of the years passed with her older sister, who has participated the last 2 years. She wasn't in it this year, life has been challenging for her with the pandemic, but she did get to film it as part of the media crew so it was nice to have them both there.
We walked into the auditorium and tried to find some open seats, many of the rows were taped off for social distancing. It was really strange. This was a place that I'd been so many times and I was surrounded by people that I knew. Parents of the children that my kids have grown up with, but I felt like a stranger. The auditorium should have been filled with students, but it wasn't. I felt like I was in a fever dream, sitting there in the dark, waiting for it to start. If it were six months ago, I may have felt sad, but there is no purpose to feeling sad.
Then the lights came on and there was my girl, in cowboy boots and a fringe dress, dancing her heart out. I was so happy to see her on stage. Later, she came out in her formal dress and she looked so beautiful. Her hair was curled and her makeup was flawless. My heart burst. She won second runner up for her grade level and she was beaming as she walked to the front to retrieve her trophy and flowers. It was a beautiful moment. I was proud of her. She is growing up.
Life is different now. Sometimes I ask myself, where are my children? My girls are young women now. I used to be able to look at them and see them as babies, as little girls, but not anymore. Only when I close my eyes, only in my memories. I love my teenagers, but no one tells you how much you miss your kids. The world is calling out to them and you just want them to stay a little bit longer, the hugs to last just a moment more. No one tells you about the sting of having an empty lap.
Motherhood is like a long goodbye as you prepare to send them off into the world. You can feel it when you pack away the onesies for the last time, and when you take the training wheels off, and replace the board books with novels, when you put them down for the last time and never pick them back up, when you go bra shopping for the first time, the first boyfriend, and all the lasts......
There is a silver lining though, a sense of freedom now that I don't think I've ever had in my whole life. It's neat to watch them grow and turn into real people. It's hard to watch them struggle as they navigate this life.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know if I'll keep doing this blog anymore. I've become quite boring and it was about being a mom. But I only see my kids for half an hour a day so it's not really my vibe anymore. Maybe Bad Menopause Award, Bad Boss Bitch Award, Bad Middle-Aged Empty Nester Award?
I have a few years to figure it out I guess. I'm not proofreading this. I'm damn tired.
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