Halloween Time

A few weeks ago I dragged the containers of Halloween decorations out of my garage to get the house festive for the holidays. I had some costumes mixed in with the decor. I admired the felt poncho I had made for my oldest daughter's preschool Thanksgiving celebration. I ran my fingers over the ribbon trim that looked like beading. It still has the bright colored feathers that I had sewn into the collar. I remember putting in many hours to make it perfect. I was only 24 then. Twenty four with a four year old and a two year old. It seems almost impossible now. That I was ever 24, that the children were ever really that small, how we survived that time.

I pulled out the matching mermaid costumes I had made the first Halloween we spent in South Carolina. We scavenged for shells on the beach and I had sewed them along the waist. There were so many costumes that I had spent so much time on. Why? Why didn't I just get my kids $15 costumes from KMART? Because they never just want something simple. They always want something crazy and specific. "I want to be Link from Zelda but in blue and not green...."

This year I don't want to do it. I want to just buy costumes, carve pumpkins and enjoy life. I was hoping the kids would want to be easy. A witch or a cat, perhaps. NO. For months my youngest wanted to be a zombie Alice and Wonderland WITH a chainsaw. The chainsaw was very important. A few weeks ago she changed her mind and decided to be a Sugar Skull.

My oldest went back and forth but decided to be Dr. Who's assistant since the neighbor boy is being Dr. Who.

The other night I went online to buy the costumes. We sat down and went through our options. My nine year old looked through all the Sugar Skull costumes. She didn't like any of them them. "What I want is a dress that looks like ruffle-y but floral." We looked through floral dresses online. None of them fit her vision. After 40 minutes of going through website after website I said, "Pick a damn sugar skull costume or I'm going to make you wear a sheet over your head for Halloween."

She reluctantly picked one out. Then she insisted on a SPECIFIC type of head band and glow in the dark make up. Not regular- it had to be glow in the dark. It was $56. What the hell. For a costume she's going to wear for like 3 hours.

My oldest NEEDED a specific red shirt and specific tardis earrings. That was another $30. I already got the skirt and she still needs stockings. Unreal. By the end of this costume shopping ordeal I was already pissed off. Then it only got worse.

I pulled out my debit card and went to pay. YOUR PAYMENT CANNOT BE PROCESSED. What? I tried again and got the same message. I figured it was the website. I went to Target.com to complete my order and got the same error. What was going on?

I logged into my bank account. My checking account balance was $0.00.
                        
I clicked on my my transactions. F*cking someone stole our bank card info and spent $1,300 at Sams Club. Drained our checking account. I called the bank and had to file a report.

I was so angry. I want to find that person and key their car, pour sugar in their gas tank, punch them in the face, call their mom a whore, and throw eggs at their house.
              
Who does that? Like, how horrible of a person do you need to be to steal money out of people's bank accounts? That person needs Jesus.

I spent so much time costume shopping and dealing with the bank that I was too tired to fold my laundry. Just over here living the dream.

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I last posted. I know you have been waiting with bated breath to know what is going on in my oh-so-interesting life. The truth is that we've been incredibly busy. Between work, the kids school, shuffling back and forth between gymnastics and dance classes and trying to keep up with the housework - I'm exhausted. I lost my laptop charger for a week. That contributed as well.

It's been an interesting 2 weeks. We weekend after we closed on the house we painted the kids room. They both picked different shades of blue. My oldest wanted a chalkboard wall so that's what she did. She loves it. A few days ago I walked into her room to deposit some folded laundry and I saw a list she had written on the wall.

                                  My Goals
                         1. Play the flute everyday
                         2. Study or fail at life
                         3. Get mom and dad to buy me chocolate

That's it. Just those three things. I couldn't help but laugh out loud. How wonderful to be 11!

My youngest still won't sleep in her room. She makes a pallet on the floor every.night. We've pretty much given up on her sleeping in her room. We're just glad she doesn't sleep in our bed. The other night as she was settling down on the floor my husband asked, "Didn't you want us to re-do your room so you would want to sleep in there."
She looked at him like that was the stupidest thing she'd ever heard. "No. I just wanted it to look nice. I never said I wanted to sleep in there."
Well, that was a waste of time and money. I'm about to give that bedroom to my dog but I am still holding out hope that she will sleep in there one day. Surely she won't be sleeping in my room when she's 15?

I don't mind it too much. Tonight as we settled into bed she turned to me with a sweet smile and said, "Mom, when you are in your job outfits you look smart." haha. If that's the case, I have everyone fooled.

Unreasonable Demands

                  
It's was a busy week. We closed on our house on Wednesday which was a f**king nightmare. I got a call 30 minutes before asking why we hadn't wired the closing money over. We were told by our lender to bring a check. Which seemed sketch but they gave me the directions. It wound up being $500 more than we expected. What the hell?

I got home that evening and the minute I walked through the door my nine year old was on me. Not
"hello" just, "We need to go to Office Depot. We need to go to Office Depot right now!"

I collapsed my exhausted body down in the kitchen chair. "What do you need at Office Depot?"
"I need glue, crayons, and a pencil case."
"I just got you all of things when we went back to school shopping last month."
"Well, my glue doesn't work good. Then my crayons got crushed at the bottom of my book bag."

I fail to see how that is my problem. You should have put your crayons in your desk. "What about your pencil case?"
"I just don't like it anymore."
"Why?"
"Because it has pencil marks inside of it."
             
Is she saying she wants a pencil case that won't get pencil marks in it? That's not unreasonable at all.

I took the kid to Office Depot. We picked out the crayons and glue and went to the aisle with pencil cases. She picked them up, examined them, set them back down. "Is this all of them?" she asked.

I asked the worker if there were any other pencil cases. He directed us to an end cap. She browsed the pencil cases there and was not satisfied. Then she got angry. "The pencil case that I want is not here."
She envisioned this pencil case in her had and was mad that it hadn't materialized. I tried to be helpful. "Just pick out another one." She looked at me like I was the worst person and said, "NO! This is all your fault!!!!!!" Lord help me.

Then my 11 year old was trying to convince me that she needed $10 mechanical pencils. "I'm all out of pencils!" she proclaimed. How? I spent $300 on back to school between these two kids just a MONTH ago. I purchased special mechanical pencils for her in addition to the other required pencils. How can she be out of pencils already? I let her get the $5 pencils. I'm a schmuck.

That evening, I laid in bed with my 9 year old and we talked about how she wanted to redecorate her room. I told the kids that I would give them each $500 to redecorate their rooms and they had to stay within budget and could pick out whatever they wanted. For MONTHS they have been talking about it and making wish lists of comforters on Amazon.

So we are laying in bed taking and my little one says, "I want to move my windows." What?!?! Does she think this is the SIMS?
"We can't move the windows."
She started crying. Sobbing. "MY WINDOWS ARE UNEVEN. IT'S NOT FAIR. C ALWAYS GETS THE BEST ROOMS!"

She has one window higher on one wall than the other. It's like a half window. Her sister doesn't always get the best room. We've lived in the same house for 4 and a half years and before that they shared a room and slept in bunk beds for 3 years. She is trippin. She cried hard. I just got up. I didn't even try to console her. I can't deal with her first world problems. Bad Mom Award.

Get It Together

                              
Yesterday was rough. Really rough. I got my little one off to school and had a busy day planned. I got a text from my husband at 9 am. WE'RE OUT OF TRASH BAGS. Great. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.

After work I dropped off my daughter at gymnastics and then went to pick up some things my 11 year old left over her friend's house this weekend. She left a jacket and a huge stuffed elephant. Like as big as her. How do you forget that?

I rushed home to make dinner. I was excited. I was making lemon pepper shrimp in a white wine butter sauce. Fancy. right? Well, I brought shrimp that wasn't deveined. It took forever to make the damn shrimp. I went to throw the peels in the trashcan and I forgot that we were out of trash bags. I grabbed a plastic grocery bag and hung it off the back door knob. Our makeshift trash bin.

After dinner I made a cup of coffee and rushed off to a PTA meeting. When I got home my youngest announced that we were out of shampoo and conditioner. I went upstairs to do laundry. The laundry room light went out last week so I've just been using the light from the hallway to do laundry. Well, the damn light bulb went out in the hallway.

Screw it. I can do laundry in the moon light. I fumbled around and opened the washing machine and immediately smelled mildew. CRAP! I left a load in there. I had to re-run it.

I went into the bedroom to get my pajamas and my 11 year old was asking me for help with her homework. I looked at it. It was talking about Associative Properties or something. I'm dumb and I don't understand much more than basic math. "Google it or ask dad." She pouted. Bad Mom Award.

Then my 9 year old comes up to me and is like, "My book bag ripped. Will you mend it?" Sure, in my spare time. I went to the sewing kit and I could not fine ONE sewing needle and there was no brown thread. I wanted to get her a good LL Bean Book bag but NO. She insisted on a pleather satchel from Target which is not falling apart a month after school started.

I didn't have time for that because I needed to make lunch. I went downstairs to make a chicken salad. I opened the fridge and saw a ton of Tupperware containers full of leftovers that had long gone bad. I decided that I wasn't going to clean them out. I'm going to throw them out. The pope is in the US talking about environmental issues and I'm just being a wasteful jerk. I'm terrible.

I'll deal with that later. I grabbed the mayo to make my chicken salad. I had barely any mayo left and I scraped the sides of the jar trying to get every last bit out. I was walking around in bare feet and kept stepping in something sticky. Gross. I pondered the last time I mopped the floor. I don't remember.
           
I cleaned up the kitchen a little bit and plopped down on the couch next to my husband. "We're having dinner for your sister's birthday on Sunday," he reminded me.
"I know."
"What are you getting her?"
"Nothing. She is 24. I don't get adults birthday presents. I'll buy her something when she's 30."
"You're the worst."

I am the worst. Hate myself. Then he asked, "Did you book the hotel for this weekend?"
We are going out of town Saturday and I failed to do that. I opened my laptop and prayed that there were rooms available. In the meantime, it was past 9 and both my kids were still awake. On a school night. Worst mom ever.

I have aspirations of having my crap together one day but things are looking pretty bad for me. I think I just need to lower my expectations for myself. I need a sister wife or something. How do other people do it?

Dating

                                    
I was sitting at the dining room table working at my computer this evening when my husband came home from work. He had a grin on his face and our daughter's phone in his hand. "She left her phone in my car this morning. You have got to read these texts." I gave him concerned look. "Is it bad?" He laughed. "Just read them." Yeah, we read our kids texts messages. We pay the bill, it's the rules.

The first one was from a random boy.

Random Boy: When can we?
My Daughter: When can we what?
RB: Date
MD: I'm not dating
RB: Why not?
MD: Because
RB: Please?
MD: Stop
RB: : (

My goodness. A little aggressive for 11, right?  If you send my daughter a text that asks "When can we?" You will get blocked. Do these kids think that they're text messages are private?

Also, my daughter tell me a lot of things. She might not tell me everything but I know things. So be careful what you tell my daughter because she will tell me. The child can't hold water.

I don't know what these 6th graders think dating is. They aren't going to actually go on any dates. Maybe they'll sit together at lunch or something. Weirdos.

Then she got another text from a friend that said this: "Some boy told J who told W who told me that Hunter told him in library that he can't ask you out."

Well, that was very convoluted. Hunter has is setting the rule early. He changed his Instagram from "single" to my daughter being his best girl friend. Whatever that means.

I gave my daughter her phone back. "What's up with everyone wanting to "date"?"
She shrugged. "I don't know but I'm done with boys for a while."
"Me too."
"What about dad?"
"That's what I meant." haha.

There is something weird about the whole thing. Boys liking my daughter. I hate it so much.

Let's Be Friends

                          
On Friday night, I came home and collapsed into a heap on the couch. It was a long week. The kids came in and I asked them about their day. Everything seemed fine. My husband had a meeting in DC and wasn't getting back until late so it was going to be a girls night.

My 11 year old seemed not herself. A little more quiet than usual. "Are you okay? Did something happen today?"
She shrugged, "No, not really."
"Are you sure?"
"Hunter told me he thinks we are better off as friends, so...." she said nonchalantly.

I knew it was coming. Three months is a long time in 6th grade. She didn't seem super bothered by it but her feelings were hurt. He already had updated his Instagram to "single" by 4 pm. OUCH.

Although I don't think boyfriends and girlfriends should be a thing in sixth grade - I was still highly offended. Who does he think he is breaking up with my daughter? She's the cutest. He hurt her feelings. Uggh.
          
As a consolation I took her out to dinner and ate the biggest brownie for dessert. Drizzled in caramel with ice cream on top. "Why does chocolate make everything better?" she asked. Spoken like a true fatty. She takes after her father and I.

I hate middle school. I wish we could go back to first grade some days.

My 9 year old was driving me crazy tonight. After she did her homework, I let her watch TV. When it was time to read this kid laid down and went on and on and on and on about how sore her muscles are. Whined for 10 minutes, "They hurt so bad!"

It's amazing that she can watch TV for an entire hour just fine but the minute she has to read her muscles hurt so bad that she can't concentrate. I can't deal.

My husband and I are going out of town this weekend and leaving the kids behind. I can't wait. Bye Felicia. Bad Mom Award.

Working Mom

                             
It's Friday night and I am exhausted. You know, because I have a job now. I've been back to work for about a month now. I feel like I've just picked up where I left off. It's been a little adjustment but not bad at all.

I feel so grateful and so blessed to have almost 10 months off. I needed it. I worked super hard for many years working full time being a mom and a wife, managing a household, being involved in the kid's school,  By the time I was laid off from my job I had been chewed up and spit out. I needed to rest, to return to my baseline, to re-connect and catch up on life.

I wasn't sure how it was going to pan out financially (we had after all lost over half of our income) but I had the support of my husband, I had prayed on it and I felt like God was telling me to be still. That's what I did. I was still, I counted my blessings, and I had faith that He had a plan for me.

What a wonderful time. I napped a lot. I regained my energy. I spent a LOT of time with the kids. Helping in their classrooms and hanging out after school. Fifth grade in the middle school was a tough adjustment for my daughter and it was good for me to be home.

For the first time in 7 years my kids had a lazy summer. They slept in, relaxed. There was no waking up to rush to camp. We had fun, we spent time together and we became closer as a family. I felt so fortunate. Not many people get to take a hiatus like that.

I was still but when it was time to go back to work, I knew it. I really love my new job and for the first time in forever - I don't feel guilty about working.

I don't understand the working mom vs. stay at home mom thing. When I was home the past year, I didn't feel less busy. I felt MORE busy. I just filled my days with different things. It's hard to be at home because people assume you just have a bunch of free time on your hands. You get roped into things that you wouldn't normally when you work during the day.

Cleaning the house is horrible. When I'm working, I don't give a shit about cleaning my house. Let the house be messy - I'm not home all day anyway. For years we paid to have the house cleaned weekly. That was a hard adjustment. I spent a lot of time trying to keep my house clean this past 10 months. I'm over it.

I don't have guilt anymore because my husband and I have flexible schedules. My husband can work from home when needed. We work hard but we work to live, we don't live to work.

I don't have guilt anymore because my kids are older. When you have young children and you are working you are constantly second guessing yourself. Wondering if you are making the right decision. Wondering if the kids will be alright. When I used to drop off my 3 year old to do to work, I'd be like:
                                                
Now that my kids are in 4th and 6th grade, I'm like:
                                   
My kids are at an age where they are so EASY. They do everything themselves now. The morning routine is not a struggle. They get their own clothes ready, wake up easily, and if they don't like what I made for breakfast they can fix something themselves.

Don't get me wrong, they are slobs but they clean up when I need them to. Their behavior most of the time is excellent. My 11 year old's mood swings have evened out a lot in the past 6 months. I feel like there is very little struggle. They don't cry every day anymore or fight me to go to bed. It is amazing. I don't know how long it will last but it's a good place to be.

I can have a career and be a mom and the kids will be all right. If I need to be home again in the future, then that will be all right too. We take one day at a time.

The big thing that I learned this year is that no one has it easy. Working moms and stay at home moms may have different challenges but neither is a walk in the park. Being a mom is hard - period. No matter what you do, you will always second guess yourself, people will always judge your decisions, your kids will still drive you crazy.

I'm owning my decisions and I'm not feeling bad about them. If my kids are alive, fed, clean, and have adequate clothing and shelter at the end of the day then I'm not doing that bad. They are LOVED. Good bye, mom guilt and good riddance!