I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

I could make a whole list of things people take for granted before they have children and one of the things at the top of the list would include using the bathroom- alone, in peace, without an audience. When my oldest daughter was a baby she had this crazy ability to know when I left the room so that even if she was dead asleep, if I left her vicinity, she would just scream. So I used to drag her bouncy seat into the bathroom where she would continue to cry because I wan't picking her up and I'd have to play peek-a-boo to keep her happy. I called it bathroom multi-tasking.

In public it's a given. I realized how damn inconvenient it is to use the bathroom in public as a mom on our first outing. I went to Babies R Us and my daughter was in her stroller. It was first thing in the morning and the store was pretty much deserted. I went into the bathroom and the stupid stroller would not fit through the door of the handicap stall. I didn't want to leave the stroller outside of the stall because I know there are baby stealers out in the world and that my daughter would go ballistic if she couldn't see me so I decided that I would keep the stall door open and push the stroller up part-way to kind of block the view. The store had practically no one in it and I knew it would only take 30 seconds so I was confident that my chances of being walked in on was pretty small. But no - a lady walked in. Early 20s, obviously buying a gift for a baby shower. Here I am in the stall with the door open so I can see my baby. I  mumbled something under my breath about the stall doors being to narrow. I wasn't even mortified. I think the 8,000 people that had their arms up my va-jay-jay a week before cured me of any sense of dignity and modesty I had previously possessed.

Then there was the time I was at PF Changs with my 2 year old who needed to use the restroom. There was a long line in the ladies room and by the time we got a stall, I had to go too. She we go in together and she goes and then it was my turn. This is a typical thing - you just rotate when you have toddlers. I am mid pee and my daughter opened the stall and ran out. The door is just flying open and there is a line of women and I am screaming, "Can somebody grab my daughter before she escapes?" Pants down, screaming like a lunatic. That's what being a mom can turn one into. I really wanted to beat her that day.

When you are a mom you use the bathroom with an audience for YEARS. Toddlers cannot be left to their own devices, they try to kill themselves all the time. I would bring books and toys into the bathroom because if they weren't occupied they would pull on the toilet paper, try to crawl into the tub - or worse, want to sit in my lap. My husband would come home from work and be like, "Why are there blocks all over the bathroom floor?" I would get all nutty - "Don't judge me! You get to poop alone!"

It has been about 2 years since I have had a captive audience while I go to the restroom, but that does not mean that I use the bathroom in peace. Every time I am in the restroom I have people talking to me through the door. "Mom, can I have an icecream?" "Mom, she's hitting me." "Mom, Look at my picture" (followed by something being slid under the door). My favorite is when they yell through the door, "Mom, what are you doing in there?" I mean, c'mon children. How many options are there? I am not fighting ninjas or building Lego castles or any other fun thing they are missing out on. I just want to read a book for 10 minutes.

My kids get really offended when I go to the bathroom and don't make an announcement about it. They will be all accusatory, "Where did you go? Why were you gone for so long?" I feel like a teenager who came home late being interrogated by my parents. haha. What a bunch of weirdos.

The only way I can get peace is if my husband is home. I will usually tell him, "Honey, I think I ate something bad for lunch. I might be a while." Then he will be diligent and make sure the kids don't bug me. He probably thinks I have insane stomach problems. I don't care though because I get to sit in silence and get through half of my Reader's Digest and have a little mini-vacation.