Love Is

Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

              
My oldest daughter likes me to tell stories to her before bed. Not just any stories, stories about herself when she was a baby. She's almost nine, so she has heard all of the stories I have to tell. So now her new thing is to ask me to tell stories about when I was a kid. I have so many. I told her about the time my little sister stood up in a crowded restaurant and declared, "I'm dead sexy" ala Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. She was 7 or 8. Classic. That's my favorite. Last night I told her about how when it rained a mud puddle would form in the corner of our yard and we used to play and roll around in it like little pigs. I told her about how I would shimmy up the street sign that was in the corner of the yard and sit on top of it. It's a miracle I survived until adulthood. I said to her, "I was 8 once too. What do you think I was like when I was your age?" She thought for a moment, "You were smart, skinny, flexible and strong." I laughed, "See, and I haven't changed at all." She paused. "Well you are very smart but you are not flexible or strong. You are still skinny, well, except for this blubber here." She pointed at my thighs. Blubber. She said it. She gave me a dose of reality. I almost gave her some reality and told her she probably is going to inherit my body type but I thought best to just  her be disappointed when it happens.

I love that about kids. They just tell you what they think and how they feel. My oldest daughter is much more cognizant of people's feelings when it comes to this. My younger daughter just lets it out. Earlier this week my 6 year old told me that I will never win a beauty contest because I "have too many wrinkles." Then she held my face in her tiny hands and said, "but I still think you are beautiful." haha. Later in the day I asked if she liked when I go away for work. "No." She paused, "I love it." I gave her a dirty look. "Well, dad is more funner than you." "Funner is not a word." She stuck her tongue out at me. She is mean.

I thought I get enough truth from my kids. But no. This evening I went to Moes, as I usually do on Tuesday. The usual crew was working. I went to order and the man behind the counter instead of asking for my order looked at me strangely and said, "You look really good without your glasses." Well, okay.... I must have given him a strange look because he said, "I mean, you look nice when you are wearing glasses you just look really nice without them." So basically, I look like shit when I am wearing glasses. I was all like "Thanks" but inside I was like First of all, this is weird and awkward. Second of all, I have no interest in being a non-glasses wearing cougar. Third, I just want a burrito. Nice kid, a little strange.

So I need to get some Spanx to hold in my blubber, look into some Botox, wear glasses less and work on being more funner. Or I can just be lazy and do none of those things. I'm thinking I'll go with the latter.

Throwing a Wrench into a Closet

                       
I have been working on some paperwork stuff for my job and I have been filling out forms and sending in proof of my flu shot and PPD and all that jazz. I got to the proof of varicella vaccine and was screwed because I am not young enough to have had it as a kid. Apparently chick pox didn't start killing people en masse until the mid-90's. I could send in a doctors note saying I had it but I don't keep my pediatrician notes from 1988 so off I went to get a titer done. I needed a Hep B shot anyway so I figured I'd do it all at once. I was not excited about this at all. I hate being stuck with needles. I'm a wimp.

So I go in and am escorted into the room and I am having a panic attack pretty much. The phlebotomist was poking around at my veins and I am breathing deep and she says to me, "Do you have kids?" What does that have to do with anything?  "Yes, I have two daughters." She said, "Well, this should be easy compared to giving birth." I thought about this for a moment. I did give birth. Twice. One of them was born at home in a kiddie pool with no drugs and only my husband in attendance. I'm a pretty bad ass chick.
                                          
Me thinking back to giving birth twice surprisingly did not make me feel less anxious about having a bunch of needles stuck into me. Thankfully, it was over before I knew it and I didn't cry and embarrass myself.

Afterwards, I went to pick up the kids. As I drove I thought about this whole giving birth thing. I think it's funny that people compare horrible things to giving birth. I mean, it's not a walk in the park and it's a lot of work but there are some things that are a lot worse than giving birth. I had a wicked sinus infection once that was worse. Having my wisdom teeth out and then developing dry socket and having my jaw scraped and left exposed for 3 weeks was way worse. I had norovirus once that was worse. I was praying for death that night. Birth is not trauma. It's a normal event. I had quick labors so it didn't seem as bad. But to think about the mechanics of it is kind of frightening. Your cervix expanding to the size of a bagel, a human being being pushed through your va-jay-jay that does not seem like it would ever be able to accommodate something nearly that big. Moms take one for the team. We are freaking rock stars. Men could never give birth.

When my oldest daughter was born it freaked my husband out. He gave me this look like, "I'm so sorry I did this to you." After the 6 week check up we were in the car and I said, "Well, my doctor said I'm all clear." He paused and had a flash back of the birth and patted me on the knee and said, "That's okay. I think you need at least a few more weeks." I looked at him sideways and said, "What, do you think it's the Holland Tunnel in there now?" We both laughed. It's been a running joke ever since. "You wanna drive through the Holland Tunnel, throw a wrench in the closet, sightsee at the Grand Canyon, take a rocket into space......." Anything to describe a wide, immense space-we joke about it. I am not offended at all. I think it's a riot. One day that thing is going to turn to dust and I'll have a field day with that. He was over it by the time the second one was born. He was on the receiving end catching the baby. Whenever we hear about cab drivers delivering babies on the side of the road he rolls his eyes and is like, "It's not that hard, anyone can do it."

I picked up the girls and I hugged them. I am glad I gave birth twice. It brings you closer to God, it gives you a high, it makes you believe in miracles. People may talk about how painful and horrible it is to give birth but the truth and the secret is that men are missing out. True story.

Going Away and Watching TV

                           
I went away earlier this week for work and my husband was in charge. I always worry a little bit because it is a lot of work to "do it all" - drop off and pick up the kids, meals, homework. My older daughter had standardized testing so he needed to make sure she got enough sleep and had a well balanced breakfast. I face timed with the kids every night. On the first night my daughter said, "Mom, guess what? I wanted my hair braided so it would look curly in the morning and dad did his first braid. He did a good job." I could just imagine my burly husband sitting on the edge of the bed intently braiding her hair. He is so awesome.

I spent evenings relaxing. Going out to eat and not washing dishes. I watched way too much television. I don't have cable so I am always amazed at the things that are on TV when I have access to one. I watched this show called Dance Moms. Oh.My.Goodness. It was about parents that are obsessed with their kids dancing and all of these dance groups were at a competition and they did the ranking and awarded the top honors and the parents were glad. After the competition, the moms of the kids that won walked over to the parents of the kids that lost the competition and began rubbing it in that their kids lost. They were saying things like, "Your kid forgot the dance, he has no talent...." They were making fun of these people's children to their faces. I am watching this and it made my heart so sad. I am by no means one of those people that feels like every kid should get participation trophy but I think it is unacceptable to adults to put down other people's children. I'm sure it happens all the time. Watching this show made me lose my faith in humanity a little bit. Provided proof that money does not buy class.

Then I was watching Preacher's Daughters. This 17 year old was dressing all skanky and going to hotel parties. The other girl was 18 and had a baby and was doing a paternity test to find out who the baby daddy is. They are just discussing this like it is a ho-hum event, like it happens to the best of us. I'm not trying to be judgmental but I don't think that it does. The preacher dad is kind of hot on that show - which made me feel weird. It was a train wreck but I loved every minute of it. I'm going to need to stream that show. They should rename reality tv as people-making-horrible-decisions tv.

I came home last night, walked in around mid night. My husband waited up for me. The house was immaculate. I kissed the babies. I woke them up this morning and visited with them. My husband made breakfast. We went downstairs and we each had a toaster strudel and some fruit. My husband had written messages in the frosting. My oldest daughter got "Last Day of Testing!", my youngest got "Have Fun" and I got a heart with a bow and arrow. Love him. Best Dad Award goes to him this week. He is sooooo amazing.

I am back to regular life now sans cable. So glad.

Being Bad at the Movie

                                        
We rarely go to the movies. Maybe once every six months. It is way too expensive and there are generally not enough movies that look so good that we need to see them right now, so we wait until they come out on Redbox. When we saw the trailer for the Great and Powerful Oz, I knew that was one of the movies we would see in the theater. We decided to go on Friday. We had one of my daughter's friends with us and she was going to spend the night. Tickets for the movie were almost $50. We purchased the ticket, went to dinner, and then went to the dollar store to get some candy as I was planning to purchase a combo at the theater - 2 sodas and some popcorn for $11 and then a soda for my husband. I was not spending 3-4 dollars for candy they sell at the dollar store for $.75.

The kids picked out Skittles, some gummy thing, Nerds and I got some Milk duds. I put them in my small purse and we headed to the movies. When I got to the front, I handed the lady my tickets. She said, "I'm going to need to look in your purse." What the hell? Is this some kind of communist movie theater? I was just straight about it, "I do have candy in my bag." She gave me a look of disapproval, "You're going to need to throw it away or take it back to your car." This other lady walked up giving me a dirty look with her arms crossed in front of her. I was taken off guard. "Come on kids." I turned around and walked past a line of people behind me who heard the whole thing. I was embarrassed. I did the walk of shame back to the car (which was on the far end of the parking lot) and as I walked, I thought. They treated me like I was a common criminal. I was going to buy $15 of concessions. Me spending $65 at the movie theater isn't enough? I need to spend an additional $12 of candy too? That's highway robbery. I began to get mad. I decided that I was going rouge.

We sit in the car and the kids began to get upset. "Can we buy candy?" I turned around to the backseat, "No! We're bringing it in." I was being a horrible example. Breaking the rules in front of my kids. Bad Mom Award for me. I have a huge wallet (because I'm cheap and I need a place for my 142 customer cards). I took all my cards out and took the gummys out of the wrapper and stuffed them in my wallet. The nerds were loose in the box. I was looking around for something to put them in. My daughter had a pencil in a ziplock bag so I took out the pencil and filled it with Nerds. Where was I going to put the Nerds? In my pants, in the front of my mom jeans. That's what I did. As I walked in the kids were snickering. I handed the lady my tickets. I opened my purse to reveal my wallet and nothing else. Then I went and purchased the overpriced popcorn and soda and we went to sit down.

"Mom, can we have the candy now?" I saw an usher standing at the side. It wasn't safe. "Just wait". The movie started, the usher left and I handed the Skittles and gummies over. I went to get the nerds. Well, it was hot in my pants and the ziplock bag like, melted to my stomach and it was sticking. I could not get it out. I was trying to be discreet. I had my hands down the front of my pants fighting with this bag of Nerds. I felt like Pee Wee Herman. I finally got them out and I ate some and I fed them to the kids. Bad Mom Award part 2. It was a good movie and I learned an important lesson. I learned that next time I will go to a movie theater that doesn't conduct TSA screenings. My $65 can be spent somewhere else. Movie devils.

My Love + PG Movies

                                     

Last night my 8 year old had a ton of homework and some tests to study for. She was in the shower and my husband took our little one downstairs to watch a movie so I could quiz my daughter and prepare her for her tests. She got out of the shower and put on her pajamas. She asked me to braid her hair so it would be curly in the morning and as she did her math homework, I brushed and braided. Afterward, she wrote a letter to her pen pal. Her school has a program with the education students at the local college so her and this college student write letters back and forth. It's cute. She wanted to make her a friendship bracelet, so she got out her string and began to work while I quizzed her for her social studies class. She was telling me all about abolitionists and the cotton gin and life in the South pre-civil war. I was very impressed. She is so smart. If she didn't know an answer she would look up at me with her big brown eyes and say, "Mom, can you give me a hint?" I remarked at how beautiful she is. Her hair in braids, her big eyes, her cute little button nose. I am in love with this child. She is so sweet and amazing. I don't know how in earth she came from me. Afterwards we sat shoulder to shoulder and read. It was nice and quiet and just the two of us. It made me so happy.

Afterwards we ventured downstairs to find the rest of our family. "What are you guys watching?" My husband replied, "This Wish Upon a Star movie. I hate it. The parents just let the kids do whatever they want." "That's every kids wish, isn't it?" I said while looking directly at my 6 year old. She shot me a dirty look. So I'm watching this movie and the daughter comes downstairs dressed in this skanky outfit and the parents let her go to school and at lunch she gets up and starts dancing on the table and all these 13-14 year old boys start cheering and "whooping". Then the parents get called in and the principal tells them that their daughter - this is an exact quote from the movie- "came to school dressed like a hooker and began dancing seductively on the lunch table." My jaw hit the floor. What the hell!?!? Did they just say the word hooker? I turned to my husband, "Why did you put this on?" He shrugged and  said, "It was under Just for Kids on Netflix. It said, 'Family movies with a strong female lead'". I'm like, let's see what happens. So we fast forwarded a little bit until one of the girls asked the other girl if she was still a virgin. Oh.my.God. I'm open and I don't shelter the kids that much but 6 and 8 year olds don't need to be watching movies where teens are asking about each other's virginity. That is just not appropriate at all. My husband was like, "This movie is rated PG. But that was in 1996." What was going on in 1996 that this movie got a PG rating? Hookers and virginity, really? The 90's obviously were questionable. They were still marketing cigarettes to kids then.
                                         
I wish sometimes that I had one of those Men in Black memory erasers that I could use on the kids after they view something questionable.
                                       
             "You never saw Wish Upon a Star, your mom didn't promise to buy you candy....."

Oh well, what's done is done. How do you explain hookers to a 1st and 3rd grader? Thanks Disney for introducing that into my household. I need to write Netflix a letter, at least move it to the Teen section. Live and learn. Note to self (and husband), watch the trailer before the movie, regardless of the rating.

The Great TV Debacle of 2013

                          

A few months ago my husband purchased a new TV. It has been upstairs because we needed to purchase a wall mount and figure out a way to hang it over the fireplace. On Saturday I had to go to the bank and my husband said he was going to run to Target to get a new belt. Great. I get home and there are tools all over the living room and my husband is standing on a chair and banging on the wall trying to mount the TV. I sit down to hem a pair of pants and watch him. He turns around and says, "Hey, do we have a stud finder?" I looked up and very sweetly said, "Honey, do you really think I have a stud finder that you don't know about?" He didn't like that answer. He left to get some more tools (and a Roku box) and tinkered with it some more.

The next day he hooked up some wires. It looked horrible. The TV is off center, there are wires everywhere. I pointed out that the TV was off center and he went into this long explanation about the studs in the wall and the weight of the TV. I could tell it was a point of contention, so I just backed off. It looked hideous though. The wires look horrible. It was just bad. But I said nothing.

Monday night we were cleaning up the living room and I couldn't take it anymore. "Honey, this looks horrible. The wires and everything are ugly." He was very defensive about it because it is his project. "I thought you wanted the TV downstairs, the suds in the wall, blah blah blah." So I asked if he could do something about the wires. He said he could but it would be so expensive. Then he said, "I still need to hook up the XBOX." I said, "I don't want an XBOX sitting on my fireplace mantel, that is not going to happen." He thought for a minute, "We can get a small table and put it next to the fireplace and set the XBOX on it."
This was me when those words escaped his lips:

                        
"Well, why don't we just bring lawn chairs in and eat beef jerky sticks and watch Nascar and start feeding the neighborhood cats while were at it." He rolled his eyes at me. "Why don't we get a cabinet for the XBOX so you don't have to see it." I don't really feel like investing in a piece of furniture for the XBOX when we need a new mattress. We don't really have space in that room for a cabinet, anyway. I lost my will to fight for it. I thought, I will just acquiesce and mourn my living room. "That's fine. Do what you would like to do." "No. I want you to be happy." It is not enough for me to agree to go along with the plan, I have to sincerely agree and love the idea of having an XBOX cabinet in my living room. I may be good a faking a lot of things but excitement about an XBOX cabinet, I can not. "Well, I'll just move the TV back upstairs." "But there will holes in the wall from this huge mount." "I'll patch and paint over it." Yeah, when he gets around to it. "Just leave it here. I really don't care anymore."

He sat down next to me on the couch and we both sat and stared at the TV and wires in silence for a few minutes. He turned to me and said, "If it makes you feel any better, I hate how the TV looks too." I sighed, "We are not buying an XBOX cabinet." He said he would come up with something. He did. He hooked up the XBOX and hid it. He fixed the wires somewhat. Now I only hate the TV a little bit instead of a lot. At least I don't have to buy furniture for the damn XBOX.

Window Shopping

On the road on the way to and from school there is a Rooms to Go Kids store. Everyday we drive by it and every day the kids ask if we can go in. I really don't have time to go furniture window shopping and it may seem like an odd request for two girls but they don't really want to go furniture shopping. They just want to sit in the shoe chair that is in the front window.

                               
It looks like a stripper shoe if you ask me - but whatever. So last week I had some extra time so when I picked them up from school, I told them that we would go to Room to Go Kids so that they could sit in the shoe chair. They were sooooo excited. So we pulled up and they both went right over to it and took turns sitting in it and were just thrilled. Then they discovered all the other furniture there. A bed that looked like Cinderella's carriage, bunk beds with stairs, beds with flowers engraved in them. They sat in every bed. My little one came up to me and said, "Mom, can we get this Paris bed?" I said, "Maybe someday." That's my way of saying no without lying. She looked me dead in the eye, "You promise?" I said, "I'll tell you what- I promise that if I win the lottery, I will buy you that bed." That made her happy and she moved on to the next thing. That's not a lie. If I win the lottery I will buy that bed - hell, I might just throw in the stripper shoe chair for good measure. I don't play the lottery often and my odds of winning are low - but whatever.

Besides, why do the kids want new bedroom furniture anyway? They barely even sleep in their bedrooms. I might as well get kid furniture and put it in MY bedroom. They do need new beds but I am not spending $500 on a bed until they sleep alone by themselves the entire night for 8 weeks straight. Spend all that money on a bed they're going to sleep in half the night. Pshaw! In 3 years they will want new furniture again. They were happy to have window shopped there and I sweetened the deal with treats from Yogurt City. I won the Cool Mom Award that day.

The next day I went to the Goodwill to find a dress for my cousin's wedding. I found one new with tags for $5.99. I was so thrilled. I do love window shopping but I prefer thrift shopping any day of the week.