I have been working on some paperwork stuff for my job and I have been filling out forms and sending in proof of my flu shot and PPD and all that jazz. I got to the proof of varicella vaccine and was screwed because I am not young enough to have had it as a kid. Apparently chick pox didn't start killing people en masse until the mid-90's. I could send in a doctors note saying I had it but I don't keep my pediatrician notes from 1988 so off I went to get a titer done. I needed a Hep B shot anyway so I figured I'd do it all at once. I was not excited about this at all. I hate being stuck with needles. I'm a wimp.
So I go in and am escorted into the room and I am having a panic attack pretty much. The phlebotomist was poking around at my veins and I am breathing deep and she says to me, "Do you have kids?" What does that have to do with anything? "Yes, I have two daughters." She said, "Well, this should be easy compared to giving birth." I thought about this for a moment. I did give birth. Twice. One of them was born at home in a kiddie pool with no drugs and only my husband in attendance. I'm a pretty bad ass chick.
Me thinking back to giving birth twice surprisingly did not make me feel less anxious about having a bunch of needles stuck into me. Thankfully, it was over before I knew it and I didn't cry and embarrass myself.
Afterwards, I went to pick up the kids. As I drove I thought about this whole giving birth thing. I think it's funny that people compare horrible things to giving birth. I mean, it's not a walk in the park and it's a lot of work but there are some things that are a lot worse than giving birth. I had a wicked sinus infection once that was worse. Having my wisdom teeth out and then developing dry socket and having my jaw scraped and left exposed for 3 weeks was way worse. I had norovirus once that was worse. I was praying for death that night. Birth is not trauma. It's a normal event. I had quick labors so it didn't seem as bad. But to think about the mechanics of it is kind of frightening. Your cervix expanding to the size of a bagel, a human being being pushed through your va-jay-jay that does not seem like it would ever be able to accommodate something nearly that big. Moms take one for the team. We are freaking rock stars. Men could never give birth.
When my oldest daughter was born it freaked my husband out. He gave me this look like, "I'm so sorry I did this to you." After the 6 week check up we were in the car and I said, "Well, my doctor said I'm all clear." He paused and had a flash back of the birth and patted me on the knee and said, "That's okay. I think you need at least a few more weeks." I looked at him sideways and said, "What, do you think it's the Holland Tunnel in there now?" We both laughed. It's been a running joke ever since. "You wanna drive through the Holland Tunnel, throw a wrench in the closet, sightsee at the Grand Canyon, take a rocket into space......." Anything to describe a wide, immense space-we joke about it. I am not offended at all. I think it's a riot. One day that thing is going to turn to dust and I'll have a field day with that. He was over it by the time the second one was born. He was on the receiving end catching the baby. Whenever we hear about cab drivers delivering babies on the side of the road he rolls his eyes and is like, "It's not that hard, anyone can do it."
I picked up the girls and I hugged them. I am glad I gave birth twice. It brings you closer to God, it gives you a high, it makes you believe in miracles. People may talk about how painful and horrible it is to give birth but the truth and the secret is that men are missing out. True story.
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