Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

              
My oldest daughter likes me to tell stories to her before bed. Not just any stories, stories about herself when she was a baby. She's almost nine, so she has heard all of the stories I have to tell. So now her new thing is to ask me to tell stories about when I was a kid. I have so many. I told her about the time my little sister stood up in a crowded restaurant and declared, "I'm dead sexy" ala Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. She was 7 or 8. Classic. That's my favorite. Last night I told her about how when it rained a mud puddle would form in the corner of our yard and we used to play and roll around in it like little pigs. I told her about how I would shimmy up the street sign that was in the corner of the yard and sit on top of it. It's a miracle I survived until adulthood. I said to her, "I was 8 once too. What do you think I was like when I was your age?" She thought for a moment, "You were smart, skinny, flexible and strong." I laughed, "See, and I haven't changed at all." She paused. "Well you are very smart but you are not flexible or strong. You are still skinny, well, except for this blubber here." She pointed at my thighs. Blubber. She said it. She gave me a dose of reality. I almost gave her some reality and told her she probably is going to inherit my body type but I thought best to just  her be disappointed when it happens.

I love that about kids. They just tell you what they think and how they feel. My oldest daughter is much more cognizant of people's feelings when it comes to this. My younger daughter just lets it out. Earlier this week my 6 year old told me that I will never win a beauty contest because I "have too many wrinkles." Then she held my face in her tiny hands and said, "but I still think you are beautiful." haha. Later in the day I asked if she liked when I go away for work. "No." She paused, "I love it." I gave her a dirty look. "Well, dad is more funner than you." "Funner is not a word." She stuck her tongue out at me. She is mean.

I thought I get enough truth from my kids. But no. This evening I went to Moes, as I usually do on Tuesday. The usual crew was working. I went to order and the man behind the counter instead of asking for my order looked at me strangely and said, "You look really good without your glasses." Well, okay.... I must have given him a strange look because he said, "I mean, you look nice when you are wearing glasses you just look really nice without them." So basically, I look like shit when I am wearing glasses. I was all like "Thanks" but inside I was like First of all, this is weird and awkward. Second of all, I have no interest in being a non-glasses wearing cougar. Third, I just want a burrito. Nice kid, a little strange.

So I need to get some Spanx to hold in my blubber, look into some Botox, wear glasses less and work on being more funner. Or I can just be lazy and do none of those things. I'm thinking I'll go with the latter.