Losing My Mind

                      
I am losing my mind. I've decided. I am going crazy. It's been the little things this week that have slowly chipped away my sanity. First it was the mold, and a crazy work week, and the restaurant that lost my credit card, and getting ready for back to school. Last night, I decided it was going to be good day Friday. I had 8,000 things to do but I was going to wake up early and get them done and then take the kids school shopping and to the movies and RELAX. I needed that -  I am feeling overwhelmed and a little under pressure.

I woke up at 6 am and fixed a cup of coffee and sent out 10,000 emails before the kids even woke up. I was doing good. I told them to get dressed so we could run some errands. I was feeling a little frantic but I have a can-do attitude so I was optimistic. We hopped in the car and I turned the key and it wouldn't turn over. I left my lights on all night and it drained my battery. Because I am an idiot. I banged my fists and screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" The kids were frightened.

We have 3 vehicles but I let my dad borrow my extra car because his car is in the shop so I was stranded. I tried to call him but he didn't answer. He lives a mile away and I decided I would just call a cab to take me over there because I'm a diva and didn't want to walk and have a schedule to maintain. I called a cab company and I did not understand the guy on the other end and when I asked him to repeat himself he got all ignorant with me and said loudly, "Where you be?" I said, "You mean, where am I located?" "Yea." Then he told me it would be $30 bucks and I said- bunk that. My level of irritation was very high at this point. My dad finally came and jumped my vehicle and I told him I want my car back. I was kind of mean about it, but I was losing my mind.

We ran our errands and came home but by this point I had lost so much time that I felt way behind. My house is a freaking disaster. There is boxes and crap everywhere. Just horrible. I hate it. So I am sitting in my messy house and I am in the middle of a phone call - an important phone call- and the kids start screaming. They are fighting over a mirror and literally beating the s**t out of each other. I muted my call and went outside to finish my conversation and just let them duke it out. When I can back in they were still going at it. I went upstairs and screamed at them. Not just regular screaming. Crazy person screaming. My veins were jutting out of my neck. I think I said some curse words. The kids stopped and just stared at my like I was insane and I hated myself in that moment. What is wrong with me?

I closed my eyes and I imagined myself in that moment - turning and walking down the stairs. Getting into the car and getting $500 out of the ATM and just buying a one way bus ticket to the midwest. I would go there and change my name to Lolly. I could get a job waiting tables at a local diner and live in a trailer at the edge of the woods. No one would find me. I would take up smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey. I escaped in that moment. It was glorious.

I called my husband. He always knows how to talk me off the ledge. "Calm down. When I get home let's make a list of things that are overwhelming you and I will take some of it on to help you." I was weepy, "Really?" He laughed, "Yes. Stop acting crazy." "That's my point. I am losing it today." I felt a little better then.

I hung up the phone and looked around at my dirty kitchen. I turned to the kids:\"Come on, guys. Let's go out to dinner." I needed some Diet Coke. Diet Coke is my mother's little helper. I had my Diet Coke and decided to let everything go. I try my best everyday. That's all I can do. So the house isn't clean and I'm not prepared for back to school and my kids annoy me and I work too much. I'm not special. That's how it goes in life. Every other working mom with school aged kids is in my boat. I'm over it. I can only do what I can do. I don't really want to run away to the midwest, anyway.