Practicing the Middle Finger

                              
My kids are pushing me closer and closer to the edge lately. Friday morning was literally horrible. School had a delayed opening due to bad weather. One would think that this would relieve the regular morning hustle, but no. I am not so lucky. We have the same fight every morning. We leave the house at 7:00 and I drop my youngest off at the elementary school between 7:17 and 7:20. The bell rings at 7:30. According to her, that is not acceptable.

She wants to get to school at 7:00 so she insists that we leave at 6:45. I am not doing that. I tell her every day. She never listens. She screams "I'm late!" in the car every day. Instead of blaming it on me, she blames it on her sister. Granted, my oldest is a pain in the ass in the morning. It is a struggle to get her out the door at 7:00. I make her pick out her clothes the night before but she takes forever to do her hair and whatever other crap she does.

Friday I knocked on the bathroom door. "We need to leave in 5 minutes." She yelled back, "I'm doing a dutch travelers braid. I'll be out soon." She is a ninja at braids. I went back 5 minutes later and knocked again. "We need to leave NOW!" She swung open the door and her face was all white. She screamed at me, "GOD MOM! I'M TRYING TO MOISTURIZE MY FACE!!!" I was like:
                      
"Just get your ass in the car." I went to the car and my eight year old was sitting there melting down. "I'm going to be late." She was not going to be late. I was highly irritated. I beeped the horn and my ten year old came storming out, with an annoyed look on her face.

She climbed into the backseat and slammed the door. That's when the onslaught started. My youngest turned around, "You always make me late! I hate you."

"I was getting ready."
"You are ugly and no boy will ever marry you."
"I hope you die young."
"I hope YOU die young."

I couldn't take it. "EEEEENNNNOOOOUUUUGGGHHHH! SHUT UP THE REST OF THE RIDE. YOU BOTH ARE HORRIBLE." I hate when the kids fight with each other. They were saying the most hideous things to each other. I had half a mind to drop them off at school and then drive to the Greyhound station and buy a one way ticket. I'm not going to lie, I fantasized about it. Just me on a Greyhound bus to nowhere, with my only belongings in a shoe box on my lap. It got me through the moment.

I dropped them off and made it home without blowing a fuse. I walked through the front door and my husband could tell I was not in a good mood. "What's wrong?" I sighed, "Our children are A-holes." He laughed, "I know."

That night was better. We watched Earth to Echo together and they were reasonable. We had a nice family night and the events of earlier were washed away. I went to bed with the hope that I might sleep in today.

At 6:30 this morning my eight year old tapped me on the shoulder. I opened my eyes and her face was in my face. "Mom, I can't find the cantaloupe." Oh My God, why? "Eat an apple." "I don't like apples." "Eat a banana." "I want the cantaloupe." I told her that I wasn't getting the cantaloupe and she finally gave up. She left me alone....for 11 minutes. I felt a tap again. "Mom, mom. I need to get something off my chest." I was sure this was going to be good. Whenever she bares her soul to me, it is always something shocking. She didn't disappoint.

"What is it?" She hesitated a moment. "Promise you won't be mad." This can't be good, I thought. "Okay." She paused and then continued. "A few months ago....I was practicing the middle finger." I sat up in bed, "What?" She said it again, "I was just, you know, practicing the middle finger." "Why?" She shrugged. "I don't know. I was just thinking about it." "Where were you practicing? In your room alone?" She lowered her head. "No. In the car pick up line." "At school?" "Yeah."
                          
"You are lucky you didn't get caught. You shouldn't be practicing the middle finger." She began to cry. "Mom, it's in the past. What's done is done. We have to worry about the future now." It took everything I had inside me to keep a straight face. "If I find out that you do the middle finger again you will be grounded for life. Do you understand?" She nodded.

My oldest daughter rolled out of bed around nine and asked if she could spend the day with a friend. I told her she could and dropped her off. That afternoon she asked if she could spend the night. I told her that she could and that I would bring her a bag. She texted this to me:

Mom, I need you to pack these things: 3 pairs of socks (including my fuzzy ones), underwear, pajamas that I like, shorts (just in case), tights (the good kind), a soft shirt that I like to wear, retainer, tooth brush, moisturizer, brush, flower pillow that is on my bed, blanket that I used to bring to camp, phone charger.

Get the hell out of here. Why do you need 3 pairs of socks? I didn't text that back, but I wanted to. I actually gave in to her ludicrous diva demands. I felt like I was going on a damn scavenger hunt. I went into her bedroom, which I usually avoid doing because it looks like it should be on an episode of hoarders. I make her clean her room every weekend, I don't know how it gets so bad. There were band aid wrappers, candy laying around, towels hanging off the bed, shoes shewn all around, empty water bottles on the floor, MY body spray, shirt, and various other things she steals....I mean, borrows from me. I am sure the portal to hell is somewhere in that bedroom.

I was pissed. Being in her bedroom put me in a bad mood. I finally found everything on her list. I took the bag over and kissed her goodbye. I leaned in and whispered, "Have fun tonight because you are spending all day tomorrow cleaning your room." She gave me a mean look. "I love you," I said. "I love you too. See ya."

These kids, what am I going to do with them?