We have been spending these last days of summer vacation being lazy. The kids go back to school in approximately 5 days. The summer has passed us by in a blink. We've made a lot of memories, we rested, we enjoyed each other.
I am not as excited for school to start as I've been in years past. It's not new anymore. I thought to myself, "It's back to school time AGAIN?" It's like being on a carousel that goes around and around and never stops to let you off. It's almost....passe.
My children are not small anymore. They don't carry Hello Kitty lunch boxes, they won't get name tags with their bus numbers on them, they aren't learning to read or taking naps, there were no safety scissors on the school supply list. My children are experienced. They know the routines and the expectations.
I am not excited about back to school because I have a daughter going into the sixth grade. When you have a child in the early years of their schooling it seems like you have so much time ahead of you. Thirteen full years. Now suddenly, I don't feel that way. My daughter has more first days of school behind her than she does in front of her. After this year it's only 6 more. After that, I'll be able to count down the years on one hand. Then she'll be grown.
My kids are getting so big now that it's hard for me to even imagine what it was like when they were tiny. It's surreal almost when they stand in front of me. I know that I grew them inside of me, that I spent countless years wiping tears and noses, kissing boo boos and holding hands but it seems almost like a dream.
When you have babies, toddlers and even very young children it's hard to imagine a life that isn't sticky, hectic, and full of endless whining and diaper changes. Then BAM! one day that part of your life is suddenly over. You have kids who can do for themselves and you'll wonder why you'd spent so much time wishing the days away.
My children are marching closer and closer to independence and I am powerless to stop it. Nor do I want to stop it. I have become a watching mother. I don't know when I became a watching mother, it's been gradual I guess.
I let them do most things for themselves. They can fold laundry, they can do their own homework and school projects, they can handle social situations that arise, they can walk the dog, and even cook simple meals! I stay close by, watching them and trying not interject unless need be. I'm here if they need me but I'm learning to give them more responsibility. Deep down, I know this is the way it's supposed me be.
When they were babies I carried them on my hip, when they were small I held their hand, now I walk behind them just far enough to catch them should they fall.
On the first day of school they will not ask me to walk them in, they won't cling to me or be anxious. They may not even kiss me good bye. They will smile, wave and walk confidently into school ready to brave a new year and they won't look back as I drive out of the parking lot.
I will cry like I do every year, a cry more bittersweet than sad. I will remark how quickly the time has passed and most of all, I will be proud.
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