I feel like there is baby fever going on. Everyone is having a baby. I'm just over here like, "Why are you doing that to yourself?" I'm feeling very cynical about motherhood right now because I am 100% sure that my children are trying to push me over the edge. It's all fun and games when they are little, cute and squishy but they turn into these human beings that are just the worst.
My 11 year old has this new thing where she hibernates in her room all the time. I pop in occasionally to see what she's up to, see if she want's a meal...make sure she's still alive. She's always on her phone, reading a book, drawing on her chalk board wall, in some stage of cleaning her room.
Last night, I built a fire. I called her down and offered to make hot chocolate. "We can watch a show together. I'll let you pick out the show. Any show you want." She shook her head. "Nah, I'm good." I was exasperated. "What is going on with you? We need to spend time together as a family."
"I don't want to."
"Why not?"
"You're embarrassing."
"How? No one else is around. How can you be embarrassed."
"Just being around you is embarrassing to myself."
"What do I do that is embarrassing?"
"Just being yourself."
Wow. Just Wow. F*cking really? What do I say to that? Just being WHO I AM is so embarrassing to my sixth grader that she can't stand to be in my mere presence.
I sent her back to the room. I give up. The only time I'm not embarrassing to her is when she wants me to buy her something. Ugggh. I am so over it. Tired of her.
You would think my 9 year old would be better. No, I feel like being around her lately is like walking on eggshells. Her moods are a roller coaster and you never know what you are going to get. Yesterday morning I told her she had better hurry up because it was time for school, she literally lost her mind. I didn't yell it, I wasn't annoyed. I simply said, "You'd better hurry up. You have to leave in 5 minutes."
YOU ALWAYS STRESS ME OUT. YOU ARE THE WORST MOM EVER. I LITERALLY HATE YOU.
I was just like,
That's a slight over reaction.
Anything can bring that reaction. I pour lemonade instead of milk.
I HATE MILK. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING THAT I LIKE! YOU ARE HORRIBLE!
They are horrible assholes to each other. It was so bad at dinner tonight that I lost my crap. My youngest was slurping her soup so my oldest called her an idiot, which caused my youngest to explode and tell her to go to hell. UNACCEPTABLE. I took away their phone and TV privileges. They cried and screamed and protested.
"I am tired of your nasty attitudes, we do not talk to each other like this. I am not going to take verbal abuse in this house."
My 11 year old mumbled under her breath. "Maybe you shouldn't have had kids if you don't want to live like this." I wanted to face punch her. But I didn't because I have the patience of a saint. I took a deep breath, got up from the table and just left.
Please pray for me. Pray for my patience and sanity. Every day I feel like I've gotten the s**t beat out of me. This is me and my husband at the end of the day:
I remember when the kids would wake up in the morning and be delighted to see me, when all they wanted to do was be with me, when I was the best thing since sliced bread to them. Now, I'm pretty sure I'm ranked bottom on the totem pole. Motherhood is all fun and games when the kids are little and cute but now shit is getting real.
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