Connecting the Dots

Last week, my husband and I had a little lunch date out. We have committed to not going out to eat since I quit my job so it was a special occasion.

I walked into Moe's (we used to go there AT LEAST twice a week) and the cashier looked surprised to see me. "Where have you been? I didn't recognize you! You look different -thinner, healthier, happy, glowing!" I looked around to make sure she was talking me me. "I do?" I thought that was quite a compliment. I don't think I look any different than I ever have but it must be the weight off of my shoulders. I definitely feel lighter and less beaten down on a daily basis.

Am I happier? I don't know. I don't think I was ever unhappy. I am definitely more relaxed, more clear, less frazzled.

Things are changing. I can feel it with all of my being. It's not a bad thing, it's just a time of transitions. In the same way that summer turns into fall  -I am entering this next stage of my life. I'm just not entirely sure where I'm going yet.

My children are getting older. My youngest is at the same school as her sister now. She's starting to care more about her appearance, she is much taller now, she is getting serious about gymnastics and spends a lot of time with her headphones stuffed in her ears. She is still my baby but she is not a baby anymore.

My oldest's life is a whirlwind of school, marching band, dance practice and LONG phone calls with T-man. *sigh*

Two weeks after I quit my job, my husband came home and told me that he will start traveling extensively for his job. It's a strange coincidence that those two events overlapped. Over the next 6 months he'll be gone for 15 days at a time with 11 day breaks in between. He gets to go to fun places - California, Georgia, Texas, Germany, Colorado. I am excited for him. He'll get a lot of great experience and it's a good opportunity for him. I used to travel for work, now it's his turn.

The other day, I was straightening my ponytail when I noticed something shimmering in the light. A long, silver hair. I plucked it out and examined it. "Holy Shit! That's a gray." I'm not supposed to get grays yet. I'm too young.

That night I lamented to my husband. "Can you believe that I found a gray hair in my head today? MY HEAD?!?!?!"
He didn't seem surprised, "Yeah, that happens."
"I'm aging!"
He laughed, "You're no spring chicken."
"Do you want to change my shit diapers?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the road I'm headed down...."
He rolled his eyes, which is the most appropriate way to deal with me. Bless him. I could not be married to myself. I'm too neurotic.

The gray hair is just a reminder of the 30-life crisis I'm going through. The stage of my life that I'm in where I am wondering where all the time went and what the hell I'm supposed to do next. I feel like I should have all the answers by now. On paper, I have all my shit together but I truth is that lately I can't shake the feeling that I am just completely average and will be average my whole life. I don't want to be average. I want to be AMAZING, BAD-ASS, SOMEBODY.

 I've come to peace with the fact that I need to be still and have faith that eventually I will be able to look back and connect the dots. Hopefully I won't have too many more gray hairs by then.