It Puts the Lotion on It's Skin

              
My 11 year old has not been feeling well. She developed a summer cold last weekend and a low grade fever. I generally don't take my kids to the doctor unless they have a high fever and lethargy, so we managed her symptoms at home the first 3 days. Her throat became increasingly sore and it hurt to swallow so I took her to the pediatrician.

I actually hate her pediatrician's office. I've hated them for years. Their office staff is horrible and I don't like the doctors either. But they are close to my house, so I never switched them because I'm lazy and it's convenient. I only take them for well checks and everything else I go to Health First.

BUT last time I went to Health First, they told me I had an outstanding balance of $140 from a visit 18 months prior and they never billed me and I had been there MULTIPLE times after that. So I paid the balance and vowed I would never go back; I am boycotting them.

My daughter's appointment was at 9:10 am. At 8 am, I told her she would need to be dressed and ready to go by 8:55. I made her breakfast and got myself ready.

Of course, she was not ready to go. She was taking her sweet time. She came downstairs wearing black leggings and a black tee shirt that was 2 sizes too big. Covered in lint. "There is a lint brush in the drawer, go take care of that."

She shrugged, "Nah, I'm good."

I can always count on my kid to wear the scrubbiest thing she owns to the doctor. I was annoyed.

We pull up to the office and my daughter groaned and rolled her eyes, "Really mom? You are making me go to the baby doctor?!?!?"
"It's the pediatrician. She sees kids up until they are 18."
"She sees babies!"
"Listen, I'll switch you over to a family practice doc but today you have to go."

She sat down in the "sick" lobby and crossed her arms. I went to the front desk to check in. The receptionist was unwelcoming and rude. Typical.

I sat down and updated our information. I observed parents coming in with their young children. I watched a little boy- 2 years old maybe - with his hands pressed against the aquarium, admiring the fish as they swam by.

Then I heard a whisper in my ear, "Stop looking at all the kids. You are being a weirdo." I can't even exist in the presence of my child.

Before long, they called her back. They weighed and measured her and then brought us to an exam room and asked the typical questions.

"Does she still take Flovent and abuterol everyday?"
"No. We discontinued that 4 years ago."

She has not been prescribed this medication for 4 years yet every visit they still ask.

They did the rapid strep test and then we waited to see the doc. She walked in and informed us that the strep test was negative and looked in her ears and throat. She diagnosed her with a viral infection and then told me a bunch of things already knew in a condescending manner.

Then she turned to me and said, "Do you keep lotion in the house, mom? Because your daughter has dry skin on her face and she really needs to moisturize everyday."

Did this b*tch just ask me if I keep lotion in the house?

Of course! What kind of a question is that? My children have more skincare products in their bathroom than most anyone I know. You'll find: St. Ives lotion, Aveeno lotion, Eucerin, at least 15 Bath and Body Works lotions, charcoal bars, charcoal face mask, apricot scrub, face wash for the day and night, make-up remover wipes, they even stole my Argan oil.

Here's the thing. I remind my children to do things - to wash their face, brush their teeth, clip their toenails, use lotion and chap stick - but I don't micromanage their hygiene. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink.

This child is 11 years old. She is going into the 6th grade. She is of above average intelligence. If she has dry skin on her face, it is her own fault. What does this lady propose I do? Be this guy?

Does she think I'm going to rub lotion on her face before bed every night? What else? Am I supposed to wipe her ass to ensure she's doing a good job of it?

I was slightly annoyed. I gave the doctor a half-smile and looked her in the eyes and said, "My daughter is 11 years old. She is a big girl. She is responsible for maintaining her own hygiene so I'm going to need you to look at her and tell HER everything you just said to me."

She looked at me like I was a b*tch, but she did just that. Good - maybe she'll do it now. 

Then we went to go check out. The lady at the desk asked if she could schedule her annual well check for me. I was like

Just kidding, I didn't do that but I wanted to. I hate that office and that condescending pediatrician. I smiled sweetly and said, "No, not today. Thank you."