This Month

              
It's certainly been a while. Where have I been? That's such a loaded question. I don't think I could accurately paint a picture of my life if I tried. It certainly has been interesting.

This past month, I've cooked countless meals and done at least 40 loads of laundry. I picked up extra shifts at work. I held dozens of newborn babies and listened to their bird-like cries and ached for my own children. I had some health issues which included a trip to the ER, followed by doctors visits and tests. I stopped eating bread and lost 5 pounds.

I got into arguments and smiled at strangers. I binge watched 6 seasons of Game of Thrones. I massaged sore muscles, wiped tears and given more hugs than I can count. The house has been full of people coming and going- neighbors, family members, friends - girls in ripped denim, shiny lip gloss, and painted nails. Boys with tousled hair, charming smiles, and voices that are 10 years older than their faces.

I stood in the rain and witnessed the earth go dark as the moon passed in front of the sun. I daydreamed about being back in Rome - sitting on the patio with a cup of coffee and the smell of honeysuckle that cascaded over stone walls. I laughed a lot, complained a little, and prayed constantly.

When my oldest daughter came to me and told me that her dark, black bedroom is not "who she is anymore", I painted it lavender with her late at night. I ordered new beds and mattresses for the girls and put them together, hung pictures on their walls, remembered when they were small and I still felt like they belonged to me.

I became stranded in a flash flood and spent many hours driving my children back and forth - to camps, music lessons, rehearsals, gymnastics practice, and friends houses. I woke before dawn and watered wilted flowers. I cried...and sighed....and contemplated whether or not my entire life has just been one great big existential crisis.

I had moments of joy, moments of sorrow and passionate kisses in the dark. I plucked silver lightning- bolt gray hairs from that spot right above my ear and cleaned up after everyone in my house. I have been present and a million miles away. I reluctantly sent one child back to school and started homeschooling my other child.

I wiggled the loose tooth of my youngest daughter and let the blood and saliva run down my fingertips. I have given lectures and pep-talks. I have yelled and spoken in hushed tones. I have felt happiness, worry, satisfaction, disappointment, contentment and fear. All of the emotions, sometimes mixed together, crashing into me like waves on the shore.

I am a wife and a mother of two teen/tween girls. This is my life. It's messy, random, exhausting and full. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is bad, and sometimes it just IS.

I hope to catch up soon. I love to write, to get out all of these things that are inside of me so that I don't feel like I'm living inside my own head so much.

I long for the summer to melt into autumn. My soul is calmer in the fall. The days are shorter, the air is cooler and the house will smell like pumpkin and cinnamon. It's the little things that make me happy. Surely, all will be right with the world.