My kids are driving me crazy. Is anyone surprised? No. No they are not.
Last Monday, me and my youngest almost came to fisticuffs over a school project. There are some things I like about online school but they have too many projects and it's super annoying because my youngest is always trying to be half-assed and I constantly have to keep her on task.
Usually, her teacher will do a live recording that tells you step-by-step of how the project is supposed to be done, expectations, ect. and she never watches them. She'll ask me for help with a project and I'll say, "Did you watch the recording?"
"No. I don't need to."
"Ummmm, yes you do. Instead of putting all this work in and then not doing it the way they want it done and then having to spend more time fixing it, you could just watch the recording and it will save you time and you'll know what you are doing."
I always get an eye roll or a sigh. I'm just trying to help her out. I'm not being a hard ass. I was trying to review her project before she submitted it and I suggested some changes. Yelling ensued back and forth and you want to know what she said to me? She said, "What do you know? You just went to college to learn how to touch people's boobs."
I lost it on her.
I screamed my curriculum vitae at her. "Ummmmm, that's a gross oversimplification of my job. I did not go to college to touch breasts. I actually have a bachelors degree in Human Ecology and a minor in English. I was the president of my honor society. It took me over five years of studying, obtaining over 1,000 clinical hours AND passing an international certification test to become a lactation consultant AFTER I graduated from college. And you know what? I had an actual career that I have put on hold so that I can be here with you and your sister. I actually F*CKING know things. Okay? Maybe you could take some of my suggestions without insulting me."
I really did tell her that "I actually f*cking know things." haha. I'm a terrible mother.
I'm of average intelligence but I can help with 6th grade school work. I'm not a dumb dumb.
She did not care. She just looked at me like,
She did take my suggestions and guess what? She got a 100%. Boo yah!
While I was recovering from that battle, I'm getting text messages from my oldest begging me to pick her up from school because she was having severe abdominal pain. This was the text:
Mom I'm having a horrible stomach ache I went to the nurse and she gave me a cracker and told me I'm going to be fine but it feels like I'm going to throw up
The thing with my oldest is that you can never be sure what is going on and how serious things are because she could have a paper cut or her finger could be cut off and her reaction will be the same. I picked her up and quizzed her about her symptoms and it sounded like a bladder infection.
I dropped my youngest off at gymnastics and took her to urgent care. They examined her, had her pee in a cup, the whole sha-bang. Then the nurse practitioner comes in to examine her and she acts like it's not that bad. "You better have something wrong with you if you begged me to pick you up from school and I paid to take you here." The nurse practitioner looked at me like I was an asshole, which I definitely am.
"Well, it appears that you have kidney stones. How much water are you drinking a day?" she asks my daughter.
My girl shrugs, "I dunno, I drink all day."
If there is one thing I've learned about teenagers, it's that they give vague answers ALWAYS. It's some kind of teenage defense mechanism. "You have homework?" "Sorta." How do you sorta have homework? What the hell? My mom can't ride my ass if I tell her I sorta have homework...
I knew this nurse practitioner would get no where with this line of questioning. I turned to my daughter. "You bring a water bottle to school everyday. How many of those water bottles do you drink every day?"
She thought for a minute. "One."
The look on my face must have scared her because she quickly changed her answer to "One and a half."
"Dude! You need to drinking like, 6-8 water bottles a day! Your body is THIRSTY!" She smirked, you know, because I called her thirsty which is slang for desperate.
We left and headed to CVS to pick up medicine and I had to go in and get toothpaste. We walked into the store and that when it started. "Oh, mom.....I need mechanical pencils." Won't use regular pencils, because she's boujee like that. "I'm not paying $5. I'll get you some from the Dollar Store." She protested. "But I only have ONE left."
She always does that to me. We will be in a store and will declare she is out of something and that's the first I've heard of it. "I need this fancy shampoo with organic argan oil because I've been out of shampoo for 3 days."
"How about this other shampoo that is on sale and isn't $10 a bottle?"
Eye rolling, "Ugggh! You know that makes me get dry scalp. I have sensitive skin, mom you KNOW that!"
I was irritated, "Why do you always wait until the very last minute to tell me you need something?" I asked.
"I forget. I have other things in my head, you know," she replied.
"Like what? Youtube videos of Let it Grow But Every Time It Says Grow It Gets More Distorted?"
She laughed and laughed.
When my kids were younger, they would make me stop whatever I was doing and I would have to tour all the things they built on MineCraft. Now, they do the same thing to me except with weird Youtube videos. "Mom, watch this. Mom, look at this one." I stop what I'm doing and watch a music video that is sung out of tune or whatever they are amused by. I swear if I have to hear "Cookin' by the Book featuring Lil Jon" one more time I might loose my mind.
I got my toothpaste and a half a gallon of milk and she started begging me to buy her chips. "No. We will be home in 5 minutes. NO." She hung on my shoulders, "PLLLLEAAASEEE." I walked toward the register and she was hanging on my arm, which probably looked ridiculous since she is a inch taller than me. "Why can't you just be cool and buy me some chips?"
"Because I'm not cool. I'm your mother, not your friend," I said, as I put the milk and toothpaste on the counter.
The cashier looked up at me. "You're her mother? I thought y'all were twins." My daughter was so triggered, she was highly offended.
She obviously needed glasses. I laughed soooooo hard. I guess it wasn't such a bad day after all.
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