Love is Not a Linear Thing

Here is my obligatory anniversary post. We just celebrated 17 years together (coming up on 16 years married in June). I think it's ridiculous - we're only like 21. haha. I've always done the math as the years have gone by - we've been together for 1/4 of my life, a 1/3 of my life.... Seventeen years marks a half of my life. After that day, I've been tethered to him longer than I haven't. That gives me pause.

We were teenagers when we fell in love- so young. I remember that everyone around me discounted it, but I didn't care. I knew that the feeling that I had was as close as I'd come to understanding love. I needed him like I needed air in my lungs, he was the sun in my sky and there was absolutely nothing I (or anyone else) could have done to stop it. When we were together it was like a thousand lightning bolts running through me. It was a beautiful time- we were young and carefree and everything was fresh and new. It was long kisses on chilly New Jersey summer nights, and holding hands in the hallway between classes, and going to the movies and a little bit of sneaking around. We both treasure that time and re-visit it occasionally. There a few things better in life than being young and in love.

But, we are older now and have a teenage daughter of our own (I'll have 2 teenage daughters in 16 months) and that complicates things a little bit. People say things to me like, "Don't tell my kid that you married your high school sweetheart," "Do your kids know?", or "You wouldn't endorse that to your children do you?" People get really butt hurt about it.

We've never kept it a secret from them (also, they can do math) but I certainly don't endorse teenagers getting married. I always tell them they need to wait until they finish college to get married AT LEAST. I talk about our struggles very openly. It's not easy to be married and support yourself at the age of 18. I also had 2 kids while I was in college which was extremely difficult. I remind my kids all the time that their father and I are exceptions to the rule. Most teen marriages end in divorce in the first 10 years, most live in poverty, only 19% of married teens attend college and of those, only 2% earn a degree.

The children have only remembered us to have a happy marriage (we always joke that the first 9 years of our marriage were the toughest - since then it's been blissful). A few weeks ago, we were sitting with each other, curled up on the couch watching a movie and laughing. He kissed me on the forehead. My oldest daughter was sitting across from us on the love seat. "You and dad are goals," she said.

In teenage talk, goals is short for relationship goals which is a slang term to describe a power couple, a couple that every couple aspires to be like. I was surprised that she said that but I felt weird about it. Like, I'm happy that she thinks we have a good relationship but I also don't want her to think people get married when they are teenagers and it just works out fine and dandy. You know?

They are forming their opinions about these things and they are paying attention. They're interest is piqued a little- it's that age. At the end of one of the snow days, my husband was back at work but school was still out. I lit a fire, fixed myself a cup of coffee, and sat down to watch How To Make An American Quilt. It's one of my favorites. My oldest came down to join me. The movie tells the tale of different women's love stories. In one of the stories, a young couple falls in love and they have children and life gets in the way and eventually the husband leaves and never comes back.

My daughter was horrified. "He just left her? They loved each other! They had 3 kids!" She is still figuring things out. "They fell out of love with each other. They made plans to see the world but life and children happened. When they got married, they were different people. She changed and he didn't. I'm not saying that it was okay for him to leave but it happens all the time. Marriage is not a fairy tale. Love is not a linear thing. It can be messy and complicated sometimes."
"Do you think that could happen to you and dad?"
That was a loaded question. "I don't have a crystal ball and I don't intend on it. Besides, if he tries to leave - I'll follow him. He'd never escape that easily."

But it's true- people fall out of love all the time and in long term marriages you fall in and out of love. I wish I knew the secret or had some grand advice about how love is supposed to be. All I know is that I hope that they find someone someday that treats them the way their father treats me, to be their best friend, to make them laugh and feel beautiful. To be committed to building a life together, to hang on when things are rough. Someone willing to wake up with them at 2 am to clean up vomit and kiss them afterwards. AFTER COLLEGE. What more can you ask for?

We are a strange couple. When we first got together, we had nothing in common. We both liked hoagies and being on each other. That was it. If we are struggling, we just go back to basics. "Ummmm.....I know you are pissed at me but you wanna go get hoagies and be on each other?" LOL. When we first got married we would go to the movies and see different movies because our tastes were so different. He is quiet, I am a talker. I could never be married to someone like myself- no one would get a word in edge wise. He is technical and I am emotional. It's worked out because we both make up for the skills that the other lacks and balance out each other's flaws.

We are still working on growing up but we're doing it together. We are forgiving of each other's shortfalls and we just try to be be there for each other. We try to still keep it interesting.

Last week, I got home from picking our youngest up from gymnastics. It was a warm, clear night. I sent her upstairs to shower and pulled a blanket into the front yard and laid it across the grass. Then, I went to track down my husband. He was in the kitchen giving the cat treats. "Close your eyes and come with me," I said.
"Why?" he asked.
"It's a surprise."
He looked at me suspiciously but held his hand out to mine and closed his eyes.

I led him outside and stood him in front of the blanket. "Okay, lay down."
He did and I laid down too and curled up next to him.
"Open your eyes."
He did. "What are we doing?"
"Looking at the stars."

We did. I pointed to the sky, "Do you see that?" I said, "That's Orion."
"No it's not."
"I know. I just wanted you to think I knew about stars."
He laughed. We laid out there for a long time - star gazing and talking about UFOs and making jokes.

Someone walked by with their dog.
"They are going to think we're weirdos, laying here in the front yard," he whispered to me.
"That's because we are weirdos," I whispered back.

I nuzzled into him and his beard brushed my face. He smelled like old spice and soap. And a thousand lightning bolts ran through me.