The Little One

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Things in my house are changing, transforming. They have been for years, I guess but when you are in the midst of it you don't realize it. Then one day, you wake up and suddenly things are different.

My youngest daughter is my strong willed child. When she was younger, we called her our highly explosive, chronically inflexible child. In spite of this, she was always my loving child. If I was sitting down, she was in my lap. She was sweet as pie.

Then, in the beginning of 5th grade, someone took my sweet child and replaced her with a grumpy, eye-rolling young lady. No more hugs, extreme embarrassment at being seen with me in public, general disdain for my existence.

This has been extremely difficult. While I don't take it personally, it's hurts my heart. However, the last few months have been better. She's leveled out a little bit. She lets me talk when we are out in public, sometimes she even will hang out with us.

She was obsessed with not having a Valentine for Valentines Day. Which is ridiculous, because she is in 6th grade and home schooled, but whatever. A few days before Valentines Day, she asked if we could be each other's Valentine.

I was surprised. It was unlike her. "You want ME to be YOUR Valentine?"
She shrugged, "Sure, we can go out to lunch and watch a romantic movie together."
"Okay."

She did a short school day that day and we went our for hoagies together and watched Revenge of the Bridesmaids. She sat right next to me on the couch and leaned her head on my shoulder. I was in heaven.

We picked up my oldest from school that day and took Hollister boy home as he had a gift for my oldest. He came out with a stuffed panda and a giant box of chocolates but he had another box of chocolates and a letter which he gave to my youngest. I thought that was a sweet gesture. She was beyond thrilled.

She read the letter but wouldn't let me read it. Typical. I dropped her off from gymnastics that day and I did what any nosey mom would do- I read the letter. The gist of it was- I know you are sad that you don't have a Valentine but one day you will have a Valentine, and that person will be so lucky because you are amazing, never sell yourself short, be happy.....You know, words of wisdom coming from a 14 year old boy. It was a big brother type thing. I smiled and left it in her room with her chocolates.

That night when I picked her up - she chatted excitedly about gymnastics. She was happy. We sang along to Micheal Jackson's "Say You'll Be There." She had me cracking up. "Remember Free Willy? I don't understand all of these kids that are obsessed with saving whales, making tails for dolphins, finding fish....."

I worry about her sometimes because her likes are so eclectic. I think she sometimes has a hard time relating to kids her own age. Take her taste in music - she loves showntunes. LOVES. We listen to Hamilton, Anything Goes, Chicago, Jesus Christ Superstar, Phantom of the Opera, Les Mis.....she knows them all. She LOVES Micheal Jackson, Frank Sinatra, anything 80s, japanese baby metal and modern rock. She's the coolest.

Her favorite movie is Dirty Dancing and when she's not doing gymnastics, she's reading manga or watching anime. She loves Japanese culture and shopping. She is extremely sarcastic and has a dry sense of humor and is so smart. Like, brilliant.

She is toying around with the idea of going back to school next year. If she does, she can start taking some high school credit since she is 2 years ahead in math. She recently has started asking questions about college and how that all works and has expressed interest in possibly joining the Air Force. The other day she said, "The thing is, I don't know exactly what I want to do. There are just so many options!"

I laughed, "Well, you are only 11 so you have LOTS of time to figure it out."
"What if we go to Japan and I want to move to Japan?" she asked.
"Well, then move to Japan. Me and dad will have somewhere fun to visit."

I hope she has lots of adventures in her lifetime, most of all - I hope she's happy.

This is where we are now. This new person, with glimpses of my little girl. She still won't willingly hug me if I ask, but sometimes she hugs me out of nowhere. I savor those moments. She will fist bump me if I ask, so that's progress.

This is the new reality for me. That in this blur of parenthood, we traded naps, sippy cups and bedtime stories for pre-Algebra, push-up up bras and talks about joining the Air Force. If I think about it too much, I will fall apart. It hits me randomly and I have a good cry (far way from the children) and then put myself together and move forward.

That's all I know how to do.