16 Years

                              
It's the end of June...you know what that means. It's time for my obligatory anniversary post. On Sunday, I'll be married for 16 years. How can that even be?

When we got back from Japan in April, my father picked us up from the airport. He helped us unload our bags and he sat with us and visited for a few minutes. We sat on the couch and talked about our trip. My dad was getting a little sentimental and nostalgic. "I'm so happy for you guys. You're doing all the things you wanted to do." Then he told me a story that he'd never told me before. "You know, I was really concerned when you guys wanted to get married and I asked your man, "Are you sure you just want to be with one woman your whole life?" He didn't pause. He said, "Yes. I love her" and I believed him."
"He did?"
"Yes."
"How come you never told me about this?"
He shrugged. I smiled.

My father was upset that my husband never asked for his blessing to marry me but if you ask my husband, he'll tell you it was because he knew that my father would not give his blessing and that would have been a predicament. He figured it was better to ask forgiveness than permission.

We laugh now when we think about my parent's crusade to convince me not to get married. I don't blame them. I'd do the same thing probably. You know, because I'm a hypocrite.

I was 17 when we decided to get married. Just a little girl in so many ways but I didn't have a choice. It is what needed to be done. I knew that with the core of my being. I never intended things to happen the way they did. I was just a teenager, living my life, drowning in homework and working at Wawa. He was my good friend and then something happened. When I realized that I was in love with him there was no going back. It was like things suddenly became clear. His kisses were like electricity that brought me to life. He opened doors that I never knew were closed. Being with him was so easy. I felt safe in his arms. He was home to me. We belonged to each other. I needed to be with him forever.

I didn't care how many adults gave me speeches about how I didn't need to get married. It was like they were telling me that I needed to learn to breathe without air in my lungs. I was young but I wasn't stupid and I wasn't afraid. He was just a boy then but I could see the man that he would one day become. I could see the potential in him. I knew that he was a hard worker, that he was kind, that he loved me with everything he had, he looked at me like I was the most beautiful creature to walk the earth, he wanted so badly for my dreams to come true, he believed in the woman that I wanted to become, when I looked into the future there was us. I knew that it was a once in a lifetime thing.

We got married on a Monday morning in June. There was no wedding, no pomp and circumstance, no large celebration. I didn't care about any of that. It was just me in a lace dress and him in his uniform, in the corner of the Justice of the Peace office. It was the happiest day of my life.

And now, 16 years have passed. No marriage is a fairy tale. If you ask my husband how long we've been married he'll laugh and tell you, "Too long." That always makes me laugh. We both have a dry sense of humor.

But 16 years is kind of a long time. It doesn't seem like that long but I have moments where I think, "Damn! That was a while ago." I met a new nurse at work this week and who just got married in December. She is a grown woman, has a bachelors degree. She was in KINDERGARTEN when I got married. What the helll?!?!

Or when I think about being newlyweds. Sundays were our relaxing days, we would do laundry and I would go to the corner store and buy a USA Today for $1. We didn't have cable and that was our entertainment. Internet was not a place for entertainment. You would Ask Jeeves stuff and access Mapquest but there was no Facebook, Youtube, or Myspace even. I submitted my college papers on floppy disks. Fast food restaurants were still cash only. We got married the year American Idol premiered, gas was .99, there were no smart phones or tablets, we don't have many pictures because digital cameras were super duper expensive....basically, it was the horse and buggy days.

When we tell the kids about when we first got married they act like it was the Civil War times. hahaha. We were happy as hell though- married at 18 and 19, in our small apartment, watching Unsolved Mystery re-runs, eating Ramen noodles and playing the piano all the time. We were in married bliss. It was a beautiful time.

We weren't children, just inexperienced adults but we've learned along the way. Our marriage has been mostly happy, and really, isn't that as good as it gets?

That rag-tag boy that I fell in love with is my best friend in the whole world. He makes me laugh so hard, he always sends me the best memes, he is an amazing father to our children, he pops my pimples, he rolls his eyes when I'm being crazy, he dances with me in the kitchen, we act like weirdos together, we've traveled to amazing places together, he is calm when I am not, his kisses are like rain in the dessert. He is everything to me. We are just two kids who made something out of nothing.

I believe that God put us together at the right time. That things are the way that they are supposed to be. I did things all wrong. I got married at 18, had a baby at 20 and a second at 22. Do I advocate that for other people? Certainly not. The likelihood that things work out for the best in this situation are pretty slim but we are unicorns. hahaha. I have always lived my life on my own terms and I have zero regrets. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing.

I didn't lose anything by marrying or having children young. I gained everything. I got lucky. I believe that this was God's plan for my life and I trust in that.

We are still SO young still and God willing, have a LOT of good years left! I can't wait to see what the future holds. In the years ahead, our kids will be grown! There are so many trips to plan, so much alone time to be had.....

So, f*ck the life checklist. Marry your best friend, trust your inner voice, take the trip, love with reckless abandon.

Here is to 16 years and a shout out to my husband, my life partner, my favorite human. I love you so much. Thank you for making my life beautiful, for always being there, for putting up with me. I love you and I can't wait to grow old together!

Wanting to Grow Up

                               
This week, 4 years ago, I sat in my car in the middle school parking lot and waited for the elementary school buses to show up. It was hot and muggy that day and I left the air conditioner running. The buses rolled up and dozens of excited 4th graders spilled out onto the side walk. I got out of my car and followed them into the school, through the breeze way and into a big room with a stage.

We all sat down and the principal stood up to at the front and talked to the children about middle school. The opportunities, the expectations, and academics. The trashcan band filed on stage and played for them. They were children taller than me, with pimply faces and ill-fitting tee shirts.

They split us up in groups and we toured the school. We walked through classrooms full of smirking tweenagers. I remember, in that moment, my heart falling into my stomach, the panic that rose up from inside of me, a tingling in my limbs. I was not ready for my little girl to be in middle school. I mourned so much. I followed them back out to the buses, I hugged my girl and gave her a wave as I watched her get back on the bus. Then, I got into my car, exhaled and I wept.

It seems like a moment away but a lifetime ago since then. So much has happened between then and now. I am not the same person I was then, none of us are.

Middle school is not an easy time. It is a time for transformation and transition, for growing. Sometimes that growth can be painful. The pulling and pushing. It is not easy on anyone.

The children become much more self-aware during this time, everything becomes a big deal, everything is magnified. It's really hard as a parent because your child will have meltdowns about things that are insignificant in the big picture. Think when your toddler has a temper tantrum because you gave them the green cup instead of the pink cup, except on a grander scale. I don't blame them, they don't have the life experience to have perspective. They may be young but kids are smart. Their perceptions are their realities, their experiences are valid and belong to them, their feelings and their struggles are real.

I try REALLY hard to remember that, to not discount them. To listen. Sometimes you just want to say, Stop crying, none of this matters, you are being ridiculous. But you can't, not unless you want to irreparably damage their trust. If they can't trust you with the small things, they will not with the big ones.

They will have meltdowns about big things too. You will watch them struggle as they try to navigate this new life that has become complicated due to the mere fact that they are growing up. You will watch them deal with disappointment, loss, heartbreak, stress, self-confidence issues, friend drama..... Many times there is nothing you can do about it except just be there for them. But it's so hard to watch them suffer. To be strong, to walk with them through it.

We are the rocks and they are the sea. The sea consistently crashes against the rock, is effected by outside forces- the moon and weather. Sometimes it rages and storms, sometimes it's calm. Regardless of the conditions of the sea, the rock is solid. It is unmoved, it allows the water to crash against it, to break it's force. The rock is strong but the sea is strong too. Water erodes rock, leaves it exposed, changes it forever.

This stage of parenting is certainly the loneliest. We spend so much time holding up the children but there is no one holding us up. New mothers and parents of young children have support groups and play dates where they can share the struggles of potty training and the milestones of having young families. Overtime, that support system goes away.

Could you imagine a support group for parents of middle schoolers? First of all- there would need to be plenty of wine. Then you would go around as a group: "Well, Jimmy is failing Algebra. He's convinced he's stupid. When I threatened to take away the XBOX, he had a melt down."
"Ha! You think that's bad? Well, I found 8 dick pics on Suzie's phone."
"I'm right there with you. I found a Juul in Robbie's bookbag. Do you know about these things?"
"I think Rebecca is depressed. These girls are bullying her horribly. She eats lunch in the bathroom every.single.day."
"Uggggh! I discovered Joe's Instagram spam account. He's not even allowed to have Instagram."
It's like the wheel of misfortune, all the shitty situations the kids can find themselves in. Spin the wheel and pick one.

A support group like this could never exist. First of all, no one wants to expose their kids like that. Second of all, we take our kid's mistakes very personally. We feel like it's a reflection of us and our parenting. Also, no parent of middle schoolers has spare time. We're all too busy driving them around and just surviving the day.

It is hard. Most of us will watch our children suffer. Last year was incredibly hard. My youngest made the transition to middle school which was not easy for her. Seventh grade was what seventh grade is- literal trash. I made a therapist appointment at the end of the school year because I could feel it building up inside of me. I was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I sat down on the her leather couch and sunk into the cushions and I sobbed. For like, a solid 3 minutes. I looked up and her and said, "I don't know if I'll survive this." She gave me a half smile, "But you already are."

We did get through, we went to Italy together which was a wonderful reset. It's what we all needed. This year was better. Changes were made. I homeschooled my youngest this year, my oldest had a good 8th grade year. It wasn't perfect, but what is?

Once a month, I come to the school and have lunch with my daughter. We are extremely close and she loves that time together. Well, mostly I think she just likes Chik-fil-a but I'll pretend for my own ego. When the open tables are taken by kids who have lunch detention, I will sit at her lunch table. I've known many of the kids since they were little ones. It is so funny to listen to them now. They are so cynical. They all hate middle school. One day they were talking about how they wished they could just skip high school and go straight to college. I chuckled. What makes these kids think that they should get to skip the hard parts?

NO. You need to sit down, be awkward, have a dysfunctional family, fall in love with people that will never love you back, make questionable fashion choices, be embarrassed and horrified by your exploding sexuality, listen to garbage music loudly and have angst for a few years. That's what I like to call "respecting the struggle." It's a right of passage. There is no skipping ahead. There is no passing GO. This is your life now. We all have to suffer through it.

We all are just figuring it out. Us and the children. Puberty really ravages the kids. My kids were both early bloomers, which has it's own separate set of challenges. It's hard for them because they really are stuck in this in-between place, especially the young teenagers. They can't decide if they want to be kids or adults. It's like they are hanging on to whatever shreds of their childhood still remain while trying to move forward in maturity. They have much more responsibilities, pressures and expectations that come with maturity but they are still treated as children (rightfully so) and I think that's a struggle.

I try to balance that as much as possible. It's not easy. It's definitely not easy for my husband either. Maybe even worse for him, because I can get into the mind of a teenage girl but he feels completely lost. A few months ago, he called me in a panic.

Him: So, our kid told me she needed to be dropped off at school early to practice her flute with Red since they have that audition coming up but I really think she is meeting up with Hollister boy.
Me: Why do you think that?
Him: Because she walked to the courtyard, not the band room.
Me: What time was she supposed to meet Red?
Him: 7:30.
Me: What time did you drop her off?
Him: 7:15.
Me: *thinking, if I were her, what would I do* Oh yeah, she's definitely meeting up with Hollister boy then at 7:30, she'll meet up with Red to practice for her audition.
Him: Well, what if she doesn't practice? She needs to do good at the audition.
Me: Well, that's a choice. If she doesn't put the time in to practice, she won't do well at the audition and that will be on her.
Him: Yeah, well we'll have to deal with it. Besides, she could have said she was meeting up with Hollister boy. Like, why wouldn't she tell me?
Me: Why would she tell you? She meets up with him every morning, they are in school together 8 hours a day. They are in all the same classes. They sit together at lunch. What are you going to do? Lock her up until she's 18? You want to go to school with her and follow her around and ensure she's doing what she's supposed to do? You didn't drop her off at a crack house or a pay by the hour hotel with Hollister boy. You dropped her off at school. She is going to hang out with the boy until 7:30, then she is going to practice the flute, then she is going to do school like she does everyday. Her grades are good, she's happy, she does what she needs to do, she's a well rounded kid, we are doing a good job. Take a deep breath and stop being a helicopter parent.
Him: But it's so hard!
Me: I know.

That is who I am as a parent. It is not easy. It's hard not to hover, it's hard not to nag, it's hard not to issue ultimatums. It's hard not to parent out of fear. The thing is, those things will not help the children in the long run. They have to be self motivated, they have to know we are walking NEXT to them to support them, and we need to give them some space to figure it out. My job is to make them self-sufficient adults one day, not to micro-manage every single aspect of their lives.

Did she meet up with Hollister boy that morning? Yes. Did she also practice her flute? Yes. Did she do well on her audition? Also, yes. Everything was okay.

The Hollister boy saga is it's very own entity. I'm surprised he's still around. I thought kids started getting immune to each other's pheromones after 12 weeks and move on. It's a predicament.

It certainly has been a wild time. Things are different now, but not bad. We have all learned a lot of lessons through the years. We have become extremely close. I have held my children as they cried and fell apart, I've attended the funerals of teenagers with them, we have yelled and screamed at each other but there has also been so much joy. We've traveled the world together, we've laughed, we've watched movies and sung and danced in the living room, we've shared countless memes. We've been happy too.

As hard as this stage is, I love my kids at this age. They are fun, smart and wonderful people to be around. One day, when they are grown-ups I hope we all can be good friends. I might not be the perfect parent, I've made a lot of mistakes and I second guess myself constantly but there is one thing that I know for sure - that I have done the very best I can and that I'm here for my kids when they need me. I have given them everything I have. I love them more and more with each passing year- so much that I feel I could burst.

The time has come. My oldest is going into high school. That seems crazy, because I'm only like, 25. It's not going to be easy. I know that. I know we have more lessons to learn, more growing to do. That's okay. We will survive it. We already are.

I was driving my daughter to her band concert a few weeks ago and she said, "This is my last middle school band concert. Are you going to cry?"
I smiled, "Why would I cry?"
"Because it's my last one, because I'm growing up."
She thinks I'm a softie. I laughed, "I'm not sad. You are ready. It's time. Things are the way that they should be."

They are.