Wanting to Grow Up

                               
This week, 4 years ago, I sat in my car in the middle school parking lot and waited for the elementary school buses to show up. It was hot and muggy that day and I left the air conditioner running. The buses rolled up and dozens of excited 4th graders spilled out onto the side walk. I got out of my car and followed them into the school, through the breeze way and into a big room with a stage.

We all sat down and the principal stood up to at the front and talked to the children about middle school. The opportunities, the expectations, and academics. The trashcan band filed on stage and played for them. They were children taller than me, with pimply faces and ill-fitting tee shirts.

They split us up in groups and we toured the school. We walked through classrooms full of smirking tweenagers. I remember, in that moment, my heart falling into my stomach, the panic that rose up from inside of me, a tingling in my limbs. I was not ready for my little girl to be in middle school. I mourned so much. I followed them back out to the buses, I hugged my girl and gave her a wave as I watched her get back on the bus. Then, I got into my car, exhaled and I wept.

It seems like a moment away but a lifetime ago since then. So much has happened between then and now. I am not the same person I was then, none of us are.

Middle school is not an easy time. It is a time for transformation and transition, for growing. Sometimes that growth can be painful. The pulling and pushing. It is not easy on anyone.

The children become much more self-aware during this time, everything becomes a big deal, everything is magnified. It's really hard as a parent because your child will have meltdowns about things that are insignificant in the big picture. Think when your toddler has a temper tantrum because you gave them the green cup instead of the pink cup, except on a grander scale. I don't blame them, they don't have the life experience to have perspective. They may be young but kids are smart. Their perceptions are their realities, their experiences are valid and belong to them, their feelings and their struggles are real.

I try REALLY hard to remember that, to not discount them. To listen. Sometimes you just want to say, Stop crying, none of this matters, you are being ridiculous. But you can't, not unless you want to irreparably damage their trust. If they can't trust you with the small things, they will not with the big ones.

They will have meltdowns about big things too. You will watch them struggle as they try to navigate this new life that has become complicated due to the mere fact that they are growing up. You will watch them deal with disappointment, loss, heartbreak, stress, self-confidence issues, friend drama..... Many times there is nothing you can do about it except just be there for them. But it's so hard to watch them suffer. To be strong, to walk with them through it.

We are the rocks and they are the sea. The sea consistently crashes against the rock, is effected by outside forces- the moon and weather. Sometimes it rages and storms, sometimes it's calm. Regardless of the conditions of the sea, the rock is solid. It is unmoved, it allows the water to crash against it, to break it's force. The rock is strong but the sea is strong too. Water erodes rock, leaves it exposed, changes it forever.

This stage of parenting is certainly the loneliest. We spend so much time holding up the children but there is no one holding us up. New mothers and parents of young children have support groups and play dates where they can share the struggles of potty training and the milestones of having young families. Overtime, that support system goes away.

Could you imagine a support group for parents of middle schoolers? First of all- there would need to be plenty of wine. Then you would go around as a group: "Well, Jimmy is failing Algebra. He's convinced he's stupid. When I threatened to take away the XBOX, he had a melt down."
"Ha! You think that's bad? Well, I found 8 dick pics on Suzie's phone."
"I'm right there with you. I found a Juul in Robbie's bookbag. Do you know about these things?"
"I think Rebecca is depressed. These girls are bullying her horribly. She eats lunch in the bathroom every.single.day."
"Uggggh! I discovered Joe's Instagram spam account. He's not even allowed to have Instagram."
It's like the wheel of misfortune, all the shitty situations the kids can find themselves in. Spin the wheel and pick one.

A support group like this could never exist. First of all, no one wants to expose their kids like that. Second of all, we take our kid's mistakes very personally. We feel like it's a reflection of us and our parenting. Also, no parent of middle schoolers has spare time. We're all too busy driving them around and just surviving the day.

It is hard. Most of us will watch our children suffer. Last year was incredibly hard. My youngest made the transition to middle school which was not easy for her. Seventh grade was what seventh grade is- literal trash. I made a therapist appointment at the end of the school year because I could feel it building up inside of me. I was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I sat down on the her leather couch and sunk into the cushions and I sobbed. For like, a solid 3 minutes. I looked up and her and said, "I don't know if I'll survive this." She gave me a half smile, "But you already are."

We did get through, we went to Italy together which was a wonderful reset. It's what we all needed. This year was better. Changes were made. I homeschooled my youngest this year, my oldest had a good 8th grade year. It wasn't perfect, but what is?

Once a month, I come to the school and have lunch with my daughter. We are extremely close and she loves that time together. Well, mostly I think she just likes Chik-fil-a but I'll pretend for my own ego. When the open tables are taken by kids who have lunch detention, I will sit at her lunch table. I've known many of the kids since they were little ones. It is so funny to listen to them now. They are so cynical. They all hate middle school. One day they were talking about how they wished they could just skip high school and go straight to college. I chuckled. What makes these kids think that they should get to skip the hard parts?

NO. You need to sit down, be awkward, have a dysfunctional family, fall in love with people that will never love you back, make questionable fashion choices, be embarrassed and horrified by your exploding sexuality, listen to garbage music loudly and have angst for a few years. That's what I like to call "respecting the struggle." It's a right of passage. There is no skipping ahead. There is no passing GO. This is your life now. We all have to suffer through it.

We all are just figuring it out. Us and the children. Puberty really ravages the kids. My kids were both early bloomers, which has it's own separate set of challenges. It's hard for them because they really are stuck in this in-between place, especially the young teenagers. They can't decide if they want to be kids or adults. It's like they are hanging on to whatever shreds of their childhood still remain while trying to move forward in maturity. They have much more responsibilities, pressures and expectations that come with maturity but they are still treated as children (rightfully so) and I think that's a struggle.

I try to balance that as much as possible. It's not easy. It's definitely not easy for my husband either. Maybe even worse for him, because I can get into the mind of a teenage girl but he feels completely lost. A few months ago, he called me in a panic.

Him: So, our kid told me she needed to be dropped off at school early to practice her flute with Red since they have that audition coming up but I really think she is meeting up with Hollister boy.
Me: Why do you think that?
Him: Because she walked to the courtyard, not the band room.
Me: What time was she supposed to meet Red?
Him: 7:30.
Me: What time did you drop her off?
Him: 7:15.
Me: *thinking, if I were her, what would I do* Oh yeah, she's definitely meeting up with Hollister boy then at 7:30, she'll meet up with Red to practice for her audition.
Him: Well, what if she doesn't practice? She needs to do good at the audition.
Me: Well, that's a choice. If she doesn't put the time in to practice, she won't do well at the audition and that will be on her.
Him: Yeah, well we'll have to deal with it. Besides, she could have said she was meeting up with Hollister boy. Like, why wouldn't she tell me?
Me: Why would she tell you? She meets up with him every morning, they are in school together 8 hours a day. They are in all the same classes. They sit together at lunch. What are you going to do? Lock her up until she's 18? You want to go to school with her and follow her around and ensure she's doing what she's supposed to do? You didn't drop her off at a crack house or a pay by the hour hotel with Hollister boy. You dropped her off at school. She is going to hang out with the boy until 7:30, then she is going to practice the flute, then she is going to do school like she does everyday. Her grades are good, she's happy, she does what she needs to do, she's a well rounded kid, we are doing a good job. Take a deep breath and stop being a helicopter parent.
Him: But it's so hard!
Me: I know.

That is who I am as a parent. It is not easy. It's hard not to hover, it's hard not to nag, it's hard not to issue ultimatums. It's hard not to parent out of fear. The thing is, those things will not help the children in the long run. They have to be self motivated, they have to know we are walking NEXT to them to support them, and we need to give them some space to figure it out. My job is to make them self-sufficient adults one day, not to micro-manage every single aspect of their lives.

Did she meet up with Hollister boy that morning? Yes. Did she also practice her flute? Yes. Did she do well on her audition? Also, yes. Everything was okay.

The Hollister boy saga is it's very own entity. I'm surprised he's still around. I thought kids started getting immune to each other's pheromones after 12 weeks and move on. It's a predicament.

It certainly has been a wild time. Things are different now, but not bad. We have all learned a lot of lessons through the years. We have become extremely close. I have held my children as they cried and fell apart, I've attended the funerals of teenagers with them, we have yelled and screamed at each other but there has also been so much joy. We've traveled the world together, we've laughed, we've watched movies and sung and danced in the living room, we've shared countless memes. We've been happy too.

As hard as this stage is, I love my kids at this age. They are fun, smart and wonderful people to be around. One day, when they are grown-ups I hope we all can be good friends. I might not be the perfect parent, I've made a lot of mistakes and I second guess myself constantly but there is one thing that I know for sure - that I have done the very best I can and that I'm here for my kids when they need me. I have given them everything I have. I love them more and more with each passing year- so much that I feel I could burst.

The time has come. My oldest is going into high school. That seems crazy, because I'm only like, 25. It's not going to be easy. I know that. I know we have more lessons to learn, more growing to do. That's okay. We will survive it. We already are.

I was driving my daughter to her band concert a few weeks ago and she said, "This is my last middle school band concert. Are you going to cry?"
I smiled, "Why would I cry?"
"Because it's my last one, because I'm growing up."
She thinks I'm a softie. I laughed, "I'm not sad. You are ready. It's time. Things are the way that they should be."

They are.