Kids are Assholes Sometimes

                                
Having kids is hard. It's hard when they are younger. They throw tantrums, they get angry, sometimes they say "I hate you!" When my girls were younger, they didn't say that too often but they would get an occasional one out at me. But when they get older- man, they can say things that sting.

Generally my oldest is very sweet. My youngest is the one with the mouth but she has gotten so much better. She is mostly sweet too now. Thank the Lord- it's been touch and go the past 2 years.

Last week, I dropped my youngest off at gymnastics and then went to the grocery store with my oldest. She was pleasant, we laughed, we generally had a good time. On the ride home we were talking and I attempted to give her advice about something. I obviously touched a nerve because a switch flipped in her and she said, "I don't need a lecture from you. I hope you cry yourself to sleep."
                                         
I hope you cry yourself to sleep. What kind of f*cked up thing is that to say to someone? Because I tried to give you a lecture? Oh hell no. She will not talk to me like that. Imma show her. My inner voice is kind of ghetto. I was prepared to say some real mean shit to her. Like, MEAN.

Then, the logical voice in my head stopped me. Why? Why would I do that? Am I really willing to destroy my 14 year old to prove a point? Do I really think it's okay to hurt her feelings bad because she hurt mine? I'm a grown ass woman, with a pretty thick skin and a pretty okay self-esteem. My teenage daughter is not there yet. Is this who I am as a person? No. Not it's not.

We remember every shitty thing our parents say to us. It's true. We may not remember the context or the situation but when your parents say mean and hurtful things, it cuts to the core. Forever. I try to remember that as often as possible when I am angry at the kids. I'm not always successful but I try to be intentional as much as possible.

So, I took a deep breath and I didn't say the mean thing that I was going to say in the heat of the moment. Not because she didn't deserve it, but because I believe that giving grace is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. I was too angry to talk to her so I said nothing the whole ride home. She looked out the window.

When we got home, I avoided her for a while. She came downstairs and tried to talk to me like everything was fine. I was short with her.
"Are you mad at me?" she asked.
"Yes. You told me that you hope I cry myself to sleep."
She cut me off, "But you were trying to lecture me."
"Your behavior is not okay. You hurt my feelings and I am so disappointed."

That's when she started crying. The worst thing for her is knowing you are disappointed. You can ground her or take her phone and she's like whatever but if you tell her you are disappointed, she gets so upset. Not my youngest. If you tell my youngest that you're disappointed in her behavior, she'll be like:
                 
Long story short, my oldest apologized and we had a nice long talk and we went on with life. She hasn't been mean since. A few salty moments but nothing out of the ordinary.

I have learned through the years that often, my children act like jerks or are mean when something is going on with them. I don't believe that they act like assholes just because. I think that the kids deeply desire to be on good terms with us, they want us to be proud of them and love them no matter what.

They get to a certain age where their emotions are so HEAVY, sometimes life is very hard, it is a confusing time and instead of verbalizing that it comes out in eye rolling, and attitudes, and sometimes telling your mom that you hope she cries herself to sleep at night. They project their feelings onto us and it's really hard to not take it personally. But you it tells you a lot about what's going on with them.

Adolescents are like babies in some ways. Baby's are non-verbal but attentive mothers learn their cries. The hunger cry is different than the tired cry, which is different than the bored cry and the hurt cry. Learning your adolescent's moods is a lot like learning your babies crying. They can tell you when they are struggling with something without saying anything at all.

Sometimes I would pick my daughter up from gymnastics and ask her about practice. Some days she would scowl at me and say, "You ask so many questions. You are the most annoying person on the planet." That means she had a rough time at practice and is frustrated with something. So often I'd say, "If you don't want to talk about practice that's okay. I'm here when you are ready." Sometimes she rolls her eyes and stuffs her earbuds in her ears but sometimes she'd take a deep breath tell me about her frustrations.

My oldest would come home from school and I'd ask about her day and she'd roll her eyes and say, "Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you," and storm up to her room. I'd go upstairs and say through the door, "It sounds like you had a rough day at school. I'll be downstairs with a snack, if you want to talk."

Usually,I'd hear steps on the stairs a few minutes later and she'd been standing in front of me with tears in her eyes. "I had a hard day."

They think I have some kind of psychic ability...like, how do you know?

But our house is a mostly harmonious one for that reason. When the kids act like that I could say (or want to say), "You need to stop being a little bitch, you're grounded for a week" But why make life harder than it already is?

I get a lot of flack for being like this. Maybe I do need to be a little more tough on them, maybe they won't respect me, maybe I'm doing things all wrong and I'm a terrible mother....but this is the only way I know how to be. Time will tell, I guess.

Sometimes the kids say mean things without realizing it. Like the other day when I was sitting on the could next to my 12 year old and she patted me on the chest right below my shoulder and declared,
"Mom! Where are your boobs?!?!"
"Ummmm......lower than that."
"Why are they in the middle of your body?"
"I don't know- gravity?"
She made an icky face and said, "That's disgusting!"
                                            
Sometimes they tell me that I'm "old" or "cringy" or "cray cray." I will only accept the "cray cray" as truth. I think they secretly think I'm the coolest, but like I said, sometimes adolescents are not always good at verbalizing their feelings. ;)