My Little One

   
I'll never forget the conversation that I had with my husband when we decided we were going to have a second baby. It was an early autumn day, and our oldest was 14 months old. She was a velcro baby, not a great sleeper at that point, I was generally pretty exhausted. We were in bed, my toddler in a kitty cat sleeper, curled up to me on one side, my husband on the other.

"You know, I've been thinking. If we're going to have another baby, we should do it now. Once this one is out of diapers and sleeping through the night, I'm done. I'm not having any more babies after that. The kids can be 2-3 years apart, they will be close enough to play, I'm already staying home, we can just have our 2 and be done. You know?" I was 21 years old.

My husband was like, "Okay." I was surprised that he was so open to the idea. I had prepared to plead my case.

Less than a month later, I was standing at the kitchen island, dressing a chicken that I was making for dinner, my oldest was on my floor at my feet, playing with the pots and pans she pulled out of the cabinet. I thought to myself, "Oh my God. I'm pregnant." I just knew it. I stopped what I was doing and took a pregnancy test. Was my 14 month old standing right in front of me watching the entire time? Yes, yes she was. Did she try to climb on my lap while I was on the toilet? Maybe.

The 2 lines came up right away. I knew it! There was no overwhelming feelings about it. It was almost as if I had crossed some item off my to do list. I went back to the kitchen and slid the chicken into the oven and then I sat on the front porch to wait for my husband who was due home any minute.

My little one explored the yard, picked grass, tried to eat a bug.....When I saw my husband's car round the corner, I gave the pregnancy test to my daughter and told her to give it to her dad. She ran over and handed it to him. He was confused at first and then his face lit up in a huge smile. "You are?" I nodded. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. "I'm so happy!" We both were.

He picked up our daughter and we went into house for dinner. Another baby. This pregnancy was easier. I was home with a toddler and in college part time in the evenings so there was little time for anticipation. We talked to our oldest about the new baby. As my belly grew, she became interested. Sometimes, she would lift my shirt up and kiss my belly. She would always come to my midwife appointments and she would insist that the midwife measure and listen to her belly too. I loved my midwife, she would humor her.

She was born 10 days shy of her sister's second birthday. When she was born, she didn't cry. She just let out this little whine. She was calm, the expression on her face at first was like, "What the hell just happened?" Then she looked at us for a long while, totally calm and alert. We spoke to her quietly, all of us- even our soon to be 2 year old. She belonged to us, our family was complete.

She was a much easier baby than her sister- or maybe she wasn't, maybe we were just more experienced and confident, we worried less. She went through a few week colicky period but was a breeze. She woke up twice a night to nurse and then went right back to sleep. I mostly just kept her strapped to me as we went along with our lives. She was a calm and happy baby.

In so many ways, she was a gift to my oldest. Her sister loved her. She was always trying to entertain her and make her laugh, once she was old enough to sit up on her own, they played together. My youngest did everything earlier because she was constantly trying to keep up with her sister. She walked before she turned one, she talked early, I never really had to potty train her. Shortly after she turned 2, she woke up one morning and was like, "I wear panties now." That was it.

She was an easy baby, but once she was walking and talking- that girl was a firecracker. She loved to test the limits, loved to test the boundaries. Highly intelligent child. For instance, I'd say, "Pick up your toys or you're going to time out." This little B would walk over to time out, fold her arms and look at me.

She would always call you on your bullshit. She'd ask you a question and if you gave an answer like, "Maybe later," she would just look at you and say, "Maybe later, means no. Why don't you just say 'no'?"
                             
She was always teeny tiny and when we'd be out in public, people would stoop down and talk to her in a sing-song voice. "You are so cute. How old are you? I like your headband." She'd say a quiet 'thank you' and then look up at me with her big, brown eyes and curly blonde hair and say, "Why do grown-up always talk me to like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like I'm a small child."
"I don't know. Maybe because you are six."
"I'm not stupid, mom. I'm smart."

My youngest child has always been 30 years old in her own head. We always joke about that. She's 12 now. She's 12 going on 27. She's so funny and so cynical. Her insights on the world are so hilarious. A few months ago we were in the car and she said to me, "Mom, I don't really understand boys. I feel like they want girls to be hard to get but also to be easy." I mean, she's not wrong. Or, if It's Wednesday and I'm excited to watch A Handmaid's Tale, she'll roll her eyes and say, "Not that feminist show again." She's one to try to shock you for sure. Which to us, is normal but when we are around other people, we are like, "Tone it done a little." She'll agree. "I know how to act around other people- behave, don't discuss religion and politics, and always give vague answers." I love her so much.

I sometimes worry about her relating to other people her own age. She loves musicals. Showtunes are her jams- Hamilton is her favorite, she loves Wicked, Chicago and Anything Goes (which is random), she's OBSESSED with Korean Pop and and all things Asian. When we went to Japan she was beyond excited. She loves Rick and Morty, Brooklyn 99, and Arrested Development. She has a very eclectic taste in food. She loves sushi and seafood. She'll try any food - she's not picky. She's extremely adventurous. She is obsessed with gymnastics. She works so hard and never complains. She's just an all around amazing person. She's so much smarter and talented than I'll ever be. I'm proud of her.

For her birthday, her only request was that we go to a museum. Could have gone anywhere- Velocity, ice skating, roller skating, the mall. No, she's 12 and she loves museums. So, I took the girls downtown and we went to the Charleston Museum. She is so funny because she likes to read every single plaque. When you go to a museum with her, you do a lot of waiting.

After we walked down to the pineapple fountain and got gelato. She got a lemon creme. I watched her as she sat on the bench, facing the harbor - her long, curly hair that changed from golden blonde to light brown a few years ago. I thought about that day in the kitchen when I knew I was pregnant with her and all the time in-between.

She's not childlike to me anymore. She's a little lady. My heart ached a little. It is a bittersweet time. I miss her being tiny. It's gone by much too quick.

My girls both fell asleep on the couch when we got home. They looked so little then, curled up together.

We went to dinner and then had the obligatory cake, icecream and presents. Then, her 12th birthday was over. In a year, she'll be a teenager. I'll have 2 teenage daughters. Now that's a frightening proposition.

I love this child more than she'll ever know. She's brought us so much joy and laughter.