We are still here. How long has it been? Five weeks now, I think? Things are getting better. I don't know if they are actually getting better or the fact that I am medicated is making things more bearable. We do what we can to get through the day. We wake up, we work, we eat and we try to entertain ourselves and we sleep. There is no end in sight really. There are glimpses that things will return to normal but there are no promises in this place. How quickly everything evaporates. It simply takes your breath away.
They canceled school for the rest of the school year. When I told the kids, they seemed ambivalent. Everything has been taken away from them already, that what is the point of being sad and disappointed? They kind of just shrugged. I do worry about them. They seem okay but still waters run deep. Some days are better than others. I am trying to be gentle with them. Their entire lives have been turned upside down.
I wonder about how this will affect them long term. Will this be the thing that defines their generation? Every generation has the thing that shapes who they are. Those who lived through the Great Depression, wars, 9/11. When 9/11 happened, I was just a few months shy of 18. My entire childhood was pre-09/11 and my entire adulthood was post-09/11. I think that has shaped how I view the world tremendously. This is different than 09/11 though. 09/11 was like a gunshot, stunning and shocking. This is like a festering wound that has slowly turned gangrenous, spreading and turning everything black and decayed. You can't compare one to another but they are both devastating in different ways.
I wonder what it will be like for them. How will society be different? Will they view the world differently? Will they always have an additional stock of toilet paper and hand sanitizer? Will they forever morn this lost time? Will they watch their own children at the ages they are now and pause?
Having older children in this situation is both a blessing and a curse. Life is easy with two teenagers. They get up in the morning and are responsible for themselves. They are independent with their school work, cook most of their own meals, do their laundry. They require little upkeep from us. This leaves us time to relax and to work. The house has been peaceful. Then, there is the other side.
Our kids are older and very smart. They understand. They watch the news. They've seen the scary suits and the morgue trucks and the headlines. They know when I am sad. They grasp the seriousness of it. We do our best to temper their concerns and to be hopeful. We never have tried to shield the children from the truth about anything and the same is true with this.
They look to us for answers but we don't have any. In that way, we are truly going through this together. The other day my daughter asked, "What do you think is going to happen? Do you think I will be able to go away to school?" I didn't even know what to say. "I don't know, but I hope. None of us have ever been through this before, but every storm runs out of rain sometime."
Which really, is some bullshit thing to say. But I need them to hold onto a shred of hope that things will get better. And it will. But it might not be soon. That is hard. Sometimes I wish they were little during all of this and that their days were filled with blowing bubbles and Disney movies and wonderful obliviousness.
When we have children, we want so much for them. We pour all of our hopes and dreams and wishes into them. We want them to have good times and beautiful experiences and coming of age in the middle of a global pandemic was not something that I wanted for them. I couldn't have known. I couldn't have prepared for this. As a mother, I mourn for them. They are young. This is supposed to be their time in the sun. They will never get this time back.
If it changes them, I hope it changes them for the better. I hope it helps them appreciate the little things in life. I know it will change me. Our lives are shifting. I am going to really live, to re-focus. My volunteer life is starting to wind down. I'm going to write and figure out what I want to be when I grow up. My trips are canceled but once things are normal again-I'm going everywhere. Greece, Italy, Jordan, Ireland, Isreal, Thailand, Germany, France, the Netherlands, Spain, Portugal, Scotland, Austria, Poland, Czech Republic, Morrocco, Canada, England. EVERYWHERE. That's my next 10 year list. This pandemic can suck it.
In spite of this pandemic, it has been a good life. The actual staying in the house part - I love! We have a very close-knit family and it is so nice to hang out and just BE with the kids. I like evenings alone with my husband and not ever having to wear a bra.
When this storm does run out of rain and the sun comes out, there will be much rejoicing. But we will never be the same.
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