In May, I had received a letter from my university about Freshman orientation. It was scheduled for mid-June. A week before my high school graduation. I was from up North. We start school after Labor Day and we go until the end of June. The South starts mid-August and ends within a week of Memorial. Oklahoma followed the latter schedule. I didn't want to miss it. They made it seem like I had to be there.
I decided that I wasn't going to attend my high school graduation. Why would I anyway? My boyfriend wouldn't be there. You only got 4 tickets so my grandfather couldn't attend. It would have to be my immediate family. I pictured it in my head. Me in a cap and gown, my family in the stands (IF they even decided to go). Afterward, I would meet up with them. Then what? They would congratulate me? Say they were proud? Would we go out to dinner and pretend like we love each other and everything is normal? Would I go to the big school-hosted graduation celebration that was not really meant for girls like me? The thought of having to live through the entire thing made me want to unzip my skin and jump out of it. I was not willing to put myself through it, to go through the motions, to pretend. I decided I would leave early so that I could attend Freshman orientation for college.
I remember walking into the attendance office and I sat down with the clerk. "I need to know how many days I can still miss and be eligible to receive my diploma," I said.
She pulled up my record on her computer. "It looks like you have 10 days," she said.
"Okay. I'm going to take all 10 days at the end of the year," I said.
"You can't just not come to school. I'm going to need an excuse from your parents," she said.
"I don't live with my parents and I'm 18 years old. I'm moving. I have college orientation. Do I need to write a letter or something?"
She just looked at me weird. "You're going to miss graduation?"
"Yes. But that's fine. What do I need to do to get my diploma?"
She begrudgingly gave me detailed instructions of what I needed to do. I wrote it down in my agenda. I left her office feeling satisfied with myself. I had checked something off of my list.
The next morning, I got called down to the principal's office. I thought my parents were up to something, honestly. I walked into her office. It was dark and she was sitting behind her desk. I never liked her, although I had no reason not to. She only wore pantsuits and she never smiled. She looked like if you touched her, she'd be cold as ice. She asked me to sit down. "No, I'd rather stand," I said.
My high school economics teacher told us once that if you ever get called into your bosses office or think you might be in trouble - to never sit. Always stand. It asserts dominance and gives you the upper hand. LOL. I loved him. She was insistent that I sit and I was like, "No thanks, I'm good."
So she stood up and we just stood in her office. "I hear that you are leaving school early and aren't attending graduation," she said.
That attendance clerk really ratted me out. People really were in my business at that high school. In 10th grade, I was called into the guidance office because the lunch monitor told them she thought I was bulimic because I went to the bathroom religiously every day after lunch. I did do that. I had braces and I was brushing my teeth. I had to convince them that I was just skinny and I wasn't throwing up my lunch. hahaha.
Anyway, I got sidetracked. The principal had asked about me attending graduation and I verified that I wasn't.
She was not pleased about it. "But why?"
"I have college orientation," I said. I didn't even tell her I was getting married. That was a box I was not willing to open with her.
"Surely, that can be made up. You are in the choir and you are supposed to sing at graduation."
"They'll be fine without me, they sound great."
"But you are graduating cum laude. That is a big accomplishment."
I didn't care about it. I wasn't smarter than anyone else. I just tried harder. I didn't need a pat on the back. I simply did what I needed to do.
"I don't care that much about it," I told her, honestly.
She looked at me like she didn't know what to say. "What about your family?"
"I don't care about them."
She let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm not going to change your mind, am I?"
"No."
"Well, I think you should re-consider. Your graduation is a big event in your life. I think you are making a big mistake."
That made me laugh in my head. You think I'm making a big mistake? Bitch, get in line.
"Can I leave now?" I asked.
"Yes," she said, visibly displeased.
I was so annoyed. Everyone was acting like I was insane and irrational and I felt completely sane. Everyone was SO EXTRA. What did it matter if I attended or not? Did she think I was setting a precedent?
I did what I needed to do to get through the next few weeks to tie up my loose ends and say goodbye. I had dinner with my grandfather the weekend before I left. My mother-in-law let me borrow her car and I went to his house in Stone Harbor. I walked in and there were stickers on some of his things. He was getting ready to put the house on the market. He told me all about it over dinner. It made my heart hurt. I'd spent so many summers there. That night was the last time I was in that house.
I spoke of my plans and about how I was skipping graduation. I swore him to secrecy. I knew that he wouldn't tell. He was Switzerland in the whole situation. I think he understood my need to get far, far away and he didn't hold it against me. He told me that he thought everything would work out just fine but he gave me a stern talking to about how everyone would be watching and waiting for me to screw up, so I better not screw up and I better finish school. "I will, Pop," I told him. He smiled at me. God, I miss him so much still. He was so dear to me.
He gave me a check for $300. I told him it was too much and that I couldn't possibly accept it. He rolled his eyes at me and insisted. When it was time for me to leave, he said that he had something else for me. I followed him up the stairs and into the attic. He pulled out a Tupperware container and loaded it into the car. "What is it?" I asked. "Just some things," he said, all weird and vague. I hugged him and cried. He told me that he loved me and was proud of me and that we would keep in touch. We did, we talked every Sunday until he died. He was so good to me.
When I got back to the house, I opened the container and it was full of Christmas ornaments that belonged to him and my grandmother. What a treasure! Every Christmas, when I trim the tree and pull out the vintage ornaments I think of our last dinner together before I got married.
The days passed and I started packing up my clothes and all of my things. My co-workers scheduled a dinner for me on my day off. It was at Applebees. I don't know who they got to cover the store that night because they all showed up. Day shift, second shift, my boss. They brought me dinner and they handed me a card with $700 cash they collected for me. I remember the exact amount. I was not expecting it AT ALL. They will never know what a huge blessing that was to me. I went home that night and cried. The kindness they showed me and the fact that they celebrated me, touched me so deeply. It meant so much to me and I will carry that with me always.
I was supposed to work my last shift and say goodbye, but my boss had a call out for third shift and asked if I could pick it up. It would be the last one. It was the middle of the week, but that was my last day of school, so I did it. I got home from school that day, took a long nap, and then got up and walked to work for my 11 o'clock shift. I worked all night and by the time 7 am rolled around, I was exhausted. I had one more thing to do- just get through my last 5 hours of high school. I didn't even change into regular clothes. I was too tired and I didn't care. I showed up for my last day of school in my work uniform.
Because I was leaving early, I couldn't do the normal sign-out procedure. I went to the front office immediately to turn in my books, give them my forwarding address for my diploma and pay a $30 textbook fee.
I went to the front desk and explained what needed to happen. The secretary took my textbooks and made me fill out some paperwork. Then, I took out my checkbook to pay. She told me she would only accept cash. "Why? There is money in my account. I can't go get cash." I couldn't. I couldn't just leave school and I worked all night. I was exhausted. I couldn't physically finish the school day, walk to an ATM, go back to the school to pay, and then walk home. She was insistent. "You'll just have to pay it Monday."
"I won't be here Monday. I will be in Oklahoma on Monday. I am moving this weekend."
"Well, you'll have to figure something out. You can't get your diploma until this fee is cleared." She was being a giant bitch. I lost my mind. I teared up and started yelling, "Listen, I worked all night. I'm tired. I'm moving this weekend by myself. You are going to take my check. My check is good and I'm going to need you to take it!" I was hysterical. There was another secretary that came up and looked at the bitch lady and was like, "Just take the check, Karen." I don't know if her name was actualy Karen.
She accepted. I stood at the desk, sniffling with tears streaming down my cheeks, writing out this $30 check. What a hot mess.
The seniors had Yearbook signing in the gym that day. I walked in with a puffy, tearstained face and red eyes, in my work uniform, my hair a wreck. I surveyed the room, there were hundreds of kids mulling about. Kids that I'd been going to school with my whole life. They were laughing and smiling and celebrating and they all seemed like strangers to me. I was in a sleep-deprived haze and I was physically there but really, I was a million miles away. I didn't belong there. I didn't dislike anyone but I had let go of everyone already. I looked at their faces and I thought that I might never see any of them ever again and I didn't feel anything at all.
I remember people coming up to me and saying goodbye but I don't remember who it was. Except for my very good friend from middle school. I adored her, we held onto each other during a very tulmultous time in our lives. I remember being 13, sitting on her back deck by the pool, listening to K's Choice and talking about all the boys we wanted to kiss. We had drifted apart during high school. We had different classes, different friends. It is just the way things are. We still loved each other though and she had even brought me a plaid chanille blanket as a wedding gift.
She came up to me and give me the biggest smile. She had the best smile and the best laugh. I hugged her tightly and thanked her for the blanket. She wished me luck and we parted ways. That was the last time I would see her alive. She committed suicide when she was 28. I would think about her a lot as my own children were going through middle school. It is sad.
I don't remember finishing the school day. There was no grand finale. I simply walked out the doors for the last time and that was that.
The next day, my friend went with me to pick up my moving van. I'd paid it in full in April. I am still unsure about how they actually rented it to me. I didn't have a legitimate driver's license. I had only gotten my restricted license right before my birthday, 5 month prior. It was a sheet of paper. I wasn't supposed to drive outside of the state.
I was supposed to get my license when I was 16 but my parents discovered they didn't have my birth certificate. They called vital statistics and no one by my name was born on the day I was born at the hospital I was born at. My biological mother, unbeknownst to anyone, had given me her maiden name and had left my father off of the birth certificate. I had to have my name legally changed so that I could get a birth certificate to get my license. It was a long process. That is why I didn't get my restricted license until I was almost 18. What a white trash fiasco.
Interestingly, my birth certificate still says "Father Unknown" on it. I used to joke to my dad that I might not be his. He hated that. When I did a DNA test a year ago, it did come back that he was my father and he was relieved. Which made me laugh, I never doubted it.
Anyway, they rented me a moving van without a valid driver's license. They wanted my money. All the paperwork was in my name and it was a done deal. Then we loaded up the truck. I remember bits and pieces of this. My brother-in-law helped, I think. Before long, everything was packed. I printed out Mapquest directions and I had an Atlas of the United States. It was a 24-hour trip and I was taking it alone.
If you thought getting married straight out of high school was a controversy, you should have seen the reaction when I told everyone I was driving a moving van by myself across the country. People were up in arms. I was "meh" about it. I had never driven on the Interstate before and I didn't have a valid driver's license but I felt confident in my abilities. My boyfriend was insistent that he come and make the drive with me.
He had basically no leave and I felt like that was such a waste of his time. He was mad at me for it. I am stubborn as hell. "I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself," I said. Besides, I thought the drive alone would be good for me.
Everything was ready to go, but I had one last thing to do. I went to say goodbye to my parents and siblings. Except they wouldn't be saying goodbye to me.
I didn't tell them I was skipping graduation, I didn't tell them when I was leaving at all. The past few months had shown me that they were not going to make this process easy for me. I was afraid I'd wake up to my moving truck tires slashed, or that they would stand behind the truck and not let me leave. That a scene would be made.
It was not the right thing to do. I knew that then and I know that now. I took a lot of things away from them and I didn't give them the opportunity to have closure. But I have no regrets about it. I did what I felt I needed to do to protect myself and my heart.
It was dusk on a Friday. I walked up to the front of the house and my youngest sister was there. She was only 10 years old. I sat on the front stoop and I talked to her and gave her a big hug. I teared up and I tried to stay composed. I didn't want to give myself away. My 16-year-old siblings were out and I didn't see them. I had seen my brother at school and he gave me a card with a Teddy Bear on it that said "I'll miss you!" I still have that card.
My parents were in the backyard with a friend. They were surprised to see me. Any disdain I had melted away. It didn't matter now. It was over. We talked and hugged them both. I did have a few tears come but they barely noticed. I cried because I felt bad and because I didn't know if I'd see them again and I mourned for the relationship we'd never had.
When it was time for me to go, my father's friend followed me into the house. I'd known him since I was a little girl. He knew something was up. I told him I was leaving in the morning and I swore him to secrecy. He looked pained, but he agreed to keep me secret. "You're going to regret it one day."
"I know," I said, "But it doesn't matter."
Then I left my childhood home for good.
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