A Crazy Time

                               
I have been so crazy busy. The days are long and they just run into each other. Friday was no different. I was running late coming home and I called my husband to let him know I would be home late and he said, "Well, you don't need to pick up anything because I made dinner." He was proud of the dinner he made, so I held off to eat his dinner. When I got home, I was exhausted. I opened the microwave and didn't see my food. So I went in the fridge (that is nearly bare). There was a plate covered in tinfoil. I opened it. There was . chicken, rice and green beans. I stuck it in the microwave and heated it up. Then I sat down to eat. The food was still half cold, but I didn't care - I was hungry. The rice was okay. The chicken was kind of dry. It wasn't great but it wasn't horrible. The kids came down and were chatting with me and telling me about their day. I was halfway done my plate when my husband came down. "STOP. That is not your dinner. That food is old." I dropped my fork., "How old?" He thought, "Well, I didn't make it this week, so at least the week before." I panicked and I blurted out the first thing that came into my head. "OH MY GOD! I'm going to die." Not a good thing to say in front of the kids. They were distressed and really thought I was going to die. My daughter was like, "Mom, I think you need to go to the hospital." My husband said, "Dude, your probably going to get botulism or something." I was very disturbed. I waited. I was sure I was going to have dysentery. That I was going to have horrible vomiting and diarrhea and die in a horrible, dehydrated state. But alas, I did not get stomach issues and I did not die. For that I am grateful.

I don't know how this happened. Our fridge is probably the cleanest it's been in a while. That's because 3 weeks ago my husband left the fridge open accidentally while he was at work and ruined EVERYTHING that was in there. The day after I spent $200 at the grocery store. Yikes. Condiments, fruit, milk, eggs, cheese...all of it had to be thrown away. Just another fun filled event at my house.

After I ate the old salmonella chicken, I took a shower and hopped into bed with my kiddos to watch a movie. My 7 year old kept putting her head under the blankets and every time I would peek under there to see what she was doing, she would scream and cry. She was being especially weird. Finally, I asked her what was wrong. She had tears rolling down her face. "Mama, I think you look like Chucky and it's scaring me." WTF? Let me remind you what Chucky looks like....
                              
I know I'm not a supermodel or anything, but Chucky? I was highly offended. I don't even know how she knows about Chucky. I've not even seen the Chucky movies. Whatever. I pulled my hair up so I would look less like Chucky.

We finally fell into a blissful sleep. The next morning I had a ton of stuff to do. My husband took a trip to Carowinds with some guys from work and so the girls and I were on our own. I cleaned out my car while the kids played outside. I unpacked a box of candle making supplies that was overflowing with packing peanuts. I left the room for just a few minutes and when I went back in my 7 year old jumped out of the box of packing peanuts and scared me. "Please get out of there." She tried to, but in the process - the entire box toppled over. Packing peanuts EVERYWHERE. I mean everywhere. My 9 year old came in to was in awe at the mess. She laid down in them in began to make "snow angels" in them. Then they threw them over their head, "It's snowing!" Dear God. I wasn't upset. I just told them they needed to clean them up when they were done.

Then the neighbors showed up and they too made it "snow" packing peanuts in my living room. I had some boxes and cleaning supplies that were mixed in the jumble and one of the kids stepped on my bottle of Goo Gone which wound up all over my floor and turned some of the packing peanuts into this green slime. I made them clean up at that time because I had enough. I decided to be nice and help. It was eventful. I got green goo all over me. My 7 year old was moving the rocking horse out of the way and dropped it firmly on my foot which now has a large bruise on it. But we got it done.

I wanted to do something fun with the kids for the evening so I decided I would take the kids to Halloween in the Swamp. That was a horrible, horrible, horrible idea. To be continued......

70 Days Until Christmas

Christmas is coming. Only 70 days to go. I am usually really good about the holidays. I do not stress. I shop early. I do most of my shopping online. We stick with our something you want, something you need, something to play with, and something to read rule. But I do not know what to do this year. Of course they will get their books and their thing that they need will probably be some clothes or shoes. But the something they want and the something to play with, I am completely stumped. I mean, last year we gave them a trip to Disney World so no matter what we get them this year will be lame compared to that.

So this weekend, I asked them what they wanted for Christmas. "A hampster." "No, hampsters." "What about a doggie?" "No live animals." What are they thinking? Like I want to give myself another thing to take care of as a gift to them for Christmas. No way. My 9 year old was like, "I want an ipod or an iphone." "That's too expensive." That's when she said, "Well, you don't have to pay for it - Santa will bring it." Of course.

As long as my kids believe in Santa, I will put up the charade. I know that Santa is controversial now-a-days and some people think that it's lying to your kids and it makes them lose trust and they will always feel betrayed by you when they find out. Blah, blah, blah. I think it's fun and magical. Kids need some fun and magic before they grow up and get beaten down by life. I don't care what they believe in - Santa is not bringing iphones and ipads. I am not spending $1,000 on Christmas. Santa is on a budget.

So I said, "Try again." They thought. My 7 year old said, "I don't know." My 9 year old said, "Maybe a diary." She has 10,000 diaries already. So I don't know what I'm going to do. My kids literally have everything they could possibly need. They are so hard to buy for. They don't really play with barbies or dolls. They mostly like to entertain themselves with things that belong to me. My sewing kit, makeup, dressing up in my clothes. They do art, they play outside. They'll get something small maybe. Loom bands probably. I don't know. I need to figure it out soon. I only have 70 days left but it's really only 60 days because I only shop online and need to account for shipping time. I don't know where these year went. I think I say that every year....

All Apologies

   

My husband has had the most horrible commute ever for the past 6 years. His office is about 18 miles from the house but in order to get there you need to drive through Satan's anus. He has to leave the house by 6:15 am to make his meetings on Monday. It takes forever for him to get home. When he has to pick the kids up they are in latchkey until the very last minute. Traffic is always horrible. I don't know how he has dealt with it, truly. The company he works for is expanding and they are moving the office to a location just 13 minutes from the house. I am soooooo happy. I LITERALLY cried tears of happiness when he told me the news.

So today, he had to assist with moving into the new building. I planned to hang with the girls and take them to the movies. The movie theater is close to his new office so he told me to stop by and see the space. He left in the morning and that afternoon we headed over to the office. I parked and called my husband to escort us in. He didn't answer. Then I texted him and he didn't respond. I was getting inpatient and the kids were complaining. I was sitting there, looking at his car and then I turned to the kids, "Wanna play a prank on dad?" I decided that we were going to move his car to the side of the building so that when he left the office he would think it was stolen. I don't know what possessed me to do this, but I thought it was hilarious.

We went across the parking lot and got into his car and drove it to the other side of the building. We laughed and laughed. The kid's were like, "This is a good trick." We walked back to my car and all of a sudden my phone began to ring. It was my husband. I began to giggle. I took a deep breath and answered the phone. "Hey, are you here?" I was like, "I think so. I'm not sure this is the right building -I didn't see your car." "What do you mean? I can see the parking lot from the office." Then there was a pause and a sense of panic in his voice, "I'll be right down." Click. We were hysterical. I told the kids they needed to be calm and act like they didn't know anything.

Unfortunately, there is a side door and he saw his car. He looked very confused. "I didn't park here. I parked out front. I am freaked out right now." We couldn't keep it in. We were busting out laughing. "Mom, moved your car." He smiled, "You suck. I thought someone stole the car. I was flipping out." Best prank ever. My daughter was like, "That was so funny, that I'll probably tell my grand kids about it." That's what he gets for tickling me when he know I hate being tickled. He showed us the office and gave us hugs and kisses and off we went to the movies.

We went to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 which was really cute and funny but it made me sooo hungry. There was a cheese burger spider, taco crocodile, shrimp monkeys...it was delicious. Then I took the kids to get the car washed. They love the car wash. They are so amazed by the car wash. They shriek  with delight. It was a great day....until we went to the grocery store.

The kids are always so horrible in the grocery store. It was especially bad today. My 7 year old kept trying to crawl under the cart. I kept telling her to get off, that she was going to fall out and I was going to accidentally run over her head. Then she kept hanging on it and it almost tipped over twice. "Get off the cart, get off the cart, get off the cart." Finally I grabbed her by the arms and turned into this:
        
I got really close and in a Nicki Minaj Roman voice said, "You had BETTER not get near the cart one more time, or you will regret it later." A lady in the aisle gave me a dirty look. Whatever, Miss Yoga Pants, let her hang off your cart for a while and see how long you tolerate it.

Then they started begging me to buy things that weren't on the list. Then my youngest took her shoes off - yes in the middle of the grocery store - and my oldest put them on. Then my youngest screamed at her to take them off. "MOM- MAKE HER GIVE ME MY SHOES BACKKKKKKK." Dear God. Then I turned into this:
                       
I melted down on them in pubic. "You are too old to act like this. Behave or you will go home and sit in your room and do NOTHING the rest of the evening! GRAAAAAAA!!!!" They were silent after that. They pouted but were behaved. I was near the end of my rope. We made it though checkout uneventfully, except for the time when they wandered off to the card section while I was unloading the groceries. We finally got the groceries into the car and I sat down and took a deep breath. A sigh of relief that I survived the trip and didn't abandon the children.

I turned the key and the radio came on. Nirvana's All Apologies was playing. I really love this song, I thought in my head. Then my nine year old yelled from the back seat, "Put on some REAL music, mom." What else can I say?

Fun at the Farm

   

This weekend we took the kids to the corn maze. It's our tradition. This was our 7th visit to the pumpkin patch and corn maze. The weather looked like it was going to be bad but the weather channel said that it wasn't going to rain until the evening, so we decided to make it a go.

When we got there, it was hot. Ninety degrees in October - that's life in the south. We ate cheese fries and relaxed a bit. Then we visited the farm animals. My little one fed the goats. The girls picked out and painted pumpkins and went on a hayride. Finally, we were ready to brave the corn maze. This corn maze is bad ass.
                
There are 12 check points in the maze and you get a map and hole punch it as you complete the maze. They also have FSI which the kids LOVE. It's Farm Scene Investigation. It's kind of like Clue. The farmer has been murdered by one of this farm animals.  So you get this card and at every other check point there is a scene and you eliminate a weapon, location, and suspect from your card until the murderer is revealed. So we got our cards and were trying to guess who killed the farmer. I said that the person who guesses correctly should win something. We decided on a foot rub. I was hoping one of the kids would win because my husband and I have gross, crusty, grown-up feet.

We entered the maze and my husband took the lead. He is a good navigator. I just followed him. The kids were running ahead and having a nice time. My 7 year old tripped and fell flat on her face and was covered head to toe in dirt within the first 10 minutes. We were making real progress. My youngest was eliminated first thing because the cat was not the murderer. I was next - it wasn't the llama. Along we went among the corn. My oldest daughter didn't guess correctly because she thought it was the pig. We were having a great time. Everyone was happy. It was like the perfect time. When we had entered the maze it was warm and sunny but as we were going through the the grey skies started to roll in. We made it to check point number 10 when it began to drizzle and then pour. "We need to finish!" I said. My husband agreed, "Let's do it." So he ran and we followed. The rain felt so good because it was so hot. We ran through the maze with mud up to our ankles and we all laughed and laughed. By the time we got to checkpoint 11, our cards had begun to wilt. We punched them anyway. We ran to 12 and then ran out of the maze. We were soaked to the bone. We huddled under a nearby tent and pulled out our FSI cards. It was Billy the Goat, with the corn cannon, in the outhouse. What a terrible way to die. The farmer was just going about his business, taking a dump and in comes mean old Billy and blows him away with a corn cannon. My husband was the winner. So we owe him a foot rub. Yum!

We collected our pumpkins and made our way to the car. We were all weighed down but our wet clothes. We had a good laugh and we all agreed that this was our most memorable visit to the corn maze by far.

This weekend, we'll take their painted pumpkins and wipe them down. We'll roast the seeds in sea salt, pepper, garlic and parmesan. We'll roast the rest and scoop out the pulp and make home made pumpkin pie. We'll watch a spooky movie and relax. I wish it could always be October.

Badminton Time

                                     
For my girl's birthdays, my uncle gave my girls a badminton set. We put it up that day and since then, badminton has become an obsession at our house. We play badminton every day. The kids play it with each other, they play it with our neighbor. My dad stops by to play it with my husband. It is so intense that we installed a spot light in the backyard so that badminton can be played at night. It's serious business.

Yesterday, my daughter asked me to play her. I agreed. I am not really that good at badminton. I don't get as much practice as everyone else. I am horrible at serving. So I am out there with my 7 year old and just sucking. She is ruling me at badminton. I am clumsy, I am afraid of the shuttlecock, it was sad. She was trying to encourage me, "You can do it mom. That was a good serve." I sighed. I am the most un-athletic person ever.

It has always been that way. I played softball when I was a kid, which was horrible. I literally would sit in the outfield and pick flowers, I struck out pretty much every time. I pretty much brought the entire team down. My parents wouldn't let me quit. They had this delusion that I would get better and more athletic with more practice but that did not come to pass. Instead, I continued to be at the end of the batting roster and run away from balls that flew at me. It was horrible.

My kids aren't in any sports right now, which makes me feel like a terrible mother. Whenever I am with a group of moms they are like, "We are so busy - you know, between soccer games and and dance...." "I know what you mean. As soon as softball is over, we start right into cheerleading." I just nod my head. The kids are not in any sports right now. We have done a variety of activities on the past. Gymnastics, karate, dance, cheerleading. It is exhausting. My husband has a hectic work schedule as do I and the kids now have homework every night. I decided that I wasn't doing it anymore. There was no way that we could do practices during the week. So we switched to gymnastics on Saturday but then it interfered with birthday parties and weekend trips. We were just so over scheduled. I decided for my sanity that we weren't going to do it. So am I saying that my kids don't do organized team sports because I am selfish and don't make the time for those things? Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying. Bad Mom Award.

I used to feel really guilty about it. Really beat myself up, but I have let that go. We work, that's the way it is. The kids are in school all day. They run around at recess and latchkey. They exercise, they are healthy. They play with other children, everyday they are outside for HOURS playing with the neighborhood kids. They understand team work. Kids 100 years ago weren't going to soccer practice after school. They were going home to help out on the farm, they were playing baseball with a stick and a rolled up sock. I'm not buying in.

So next time I'm with a group of moms and they are going on and on about how they move heaven and earth to make sure their kids are involved in 3,000 sports, I'm going to be like, "I know. My kids are involved in a Family Badminton League and they have to practice every day."

That Time again

Saturday was an interesting day. I told my little one that she could have a friend sleepover and we would take her the the Taste of Charleston on Sunday. We picked up her little friend around noon and went to the grocery store to get goodies. The neighbors came over afterwards and we had a house full of children. There was a few extra kids then usual, but it was a typical afternoon. The neighbors across the street have 4 kids and their oldest 2 girls are close in age to my girls so they are always playing and their 4 year old little brother tags along. He always is popping up out of nowhere. He calls me Miss B. I'll be in the kitchen and he'll just walk in and ask, "Miss B, whats for dinner?"

So, there were 7 little ones running around this weekend. Playing badminton, playing the the hose, running around. We grilled out. It was really fun. In the evening, we decorated the house for Halloween. I broke my own rule. I am a holiday FREAK. I love to decorate for the holidays and I have a schedule. On Feb. 1st the Valentines decorations go up, March 1st for St. Pattys, April 1st for Easter.....you get the picture. Unfortunately, I will be out of town all week on business so I defaulted to the early date. I thought it would be fun for the kids to help. The girls helped me make a graveyard cake and we played Halloween party music to set the ambiance.

You may remember that all of my Halloween decorations were ruined by mold a few months ago so I had all new stuff. The house looks great. There are spiders hanging from light fixtures, bottles of
"posion" and "vampire blood", ghost garland, and skulls. The kids were such big helpers - all 7 of them. I was giving them jobs so they helped put a white sheet over the scarecrow to make her a ghost. I had purchased a bunch of ravens and so I gave the kids each one and told them to put them around the house. They did a good job - perched them on the bookshelves and on the window sills. One wound up sitting on the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. I didn't clarify to put them in a practical place. They had a fun time, eating cake and decorating. Afterwards they played outside until dark. Then my girls put on their PJs and settled in to watch a movie.

My husband and I hung out downstairs and watched Revenge (my new favorite show), I fell into a deep, blissful sleep on the sofa. But as you know, all good things must come to an end. I was awoken in the middle of the night by my husband screaming my name and shouting, "Come upstairs, C just threw up." Great. We're not having fun until someone vomits.

I dragged myself up the stairs and my daughter was already in the shower. There was vomit on the blanket and carpet on one side of the room and then on the carpet and bathroom floor and door. I said to my husband, "I'll get this pile and you get the bathroom." I went to work. I picked up the blanket and scrubbed the carpet down. I went to check my husband's progress. It looked the same as when we started. He was kind of standing over it, grimacing. "I can't do it. I hate throw up." I looked at him like he was crazy, "Have you ever cleaned up the kids vomit?" He said nothing and I realized that in over 9 years of parenting, I cleaned up all the vomit. He always played the supporting role - bringing me towels and cleaning solution and pointing out the places I missed. So basically I am the Batman and he is the Robin of vomit cleaning in my house. I felt slighted in that moment. It's not fair. "Look, I will help - but you have got to help me." I got down on my hands and knees and began to clean. He started to wipe a bit. I tried to make small talk, to be humorous. "This is especially horrendous. It's like sauerkraut and spicy mustard hot dog, grapes, green beans, chocolate cake, dill pickle potato chips and orange soda all mixed together." He got up and stood over the sink for a minute and tried to compose himself. I still scrubbed away. He came back and tried to help again. I said, "Honey, can you get me a roll of toilet paper?" "Why?" "So I can scoop up these chunks and just flush them." Again he stood up to compose himself over the sink. I laughed and laughed and told him to "man up."

After we cleaned, I got my daughter out of the shower. "Mama, will you get me some ginger ale and crackers?" I told her I would in the morning when the store opened. "No, go now." "It's 3 in the morning, now rest." I felt like I closed my eyes for a second and she was nudging me. "Mama, it's 7 o'clock. Please get me ginger ale." Lord in heaven. I rolled out of bed and pulled on a cardigan and put on my slippers. Off I went to the Piggly Wiggly at 7 am. I didn't put a bra on, I didn't brush my teeth. I just decided I wouldn't talk to anyone. After a night like that, I did not care. I am not trying to impress the cashier at the Pig at 7 am on Sunday morning. Who am  kidding? I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm just trying to make it through the day. And I did, and she felt better. Next weekend, we can get back to our regularly scheduled Halloween activities. I'm thinking corn maze and home made pumpkin pie. Yum!

The Parole Officer

Last weekend my husband was supposed to go to the shooting range with some friends and he forgot about it apparently because I was at the computer reading the news and his phone was next to me charging and a text popped up that said, "Hey dude, are you coming?" I woke him up and he said, "Just tell him my parole officer said I couldn't go." When he says parole officer - he means me. He threw me under the bus. I don't know how I became known as the parole officer. I think one day he called to let me know he was doing something after work and I asked him to be home at a certain time and he said, "What are you my parole officer?" It just stuck after that. I know he uses me as an excuse to get out of things. I would do the same if I ever was invited to social events - which I am not because my entire life is consumed with work and the children and there is little room for anything else besides sleeping.

I will get back to the parole officer thing in a minute. This week my husband upgraded the software on my iphone and it was acting stupid ever since. It was slow, it was taking forever for my contacts to come up. I was irritated. It all came to a head Friday. I had to run to Fedex and I needed to send out an email but my stupid phone wasn't working right. I was sitting in my car in the Fedex parking lot trying to send out this email and it was kind of urgent but my efforts were fruitless. After 15 minutes, I finally snapped. I screamed at my phone. I held it up to my face and I screamed at it. Not words, just an angry yell. See below:

 

The other customers must have thought I lost my mind. I am so upset. So I had to drive all the way home to send this email out and on my way, I left my husband a distressing voicemail, "Honey, I hope you are having a good day but I need to tell you - I HATE MY *bleeping* PHONE. I WANT TO THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW. WHAT THE *bleep* DID YOU DO TO IT? AHHHHHHH. I love you! Call me back." That was at 10:30 in the morning. I went home, sent out my emails and busied myself with other things.

I got a call from my sister inviting us to dinner at her house. So I called my husband at noon to let him know. It went straight to voicemail. Another 2 hours went by and I still hadn't heard from him. I was starting to get kind of suspicious. 

I called an hour later, left another voicemail. Every voicemail is more and more desperate from the last. I picked up the kids at 4 and we made our way over to my sister's house. I called again and again it went to voicemail. Now I was panicked. It had been 6 hours and I hadn't heard from him. I was starting to get concerned. I always assume the worst. What if he drove off a bridge and his phone is under water with his car? What if he was mugged and they stole his phone and now he is naked and bleeding alone in the woods? Did he run away with a Cindy Crawford look alike to the midwest to start a new life? Should I look up fatal accidents on the news? Should I call the hospital? I was being completely irrational. I have a tendency to do that time to time.

I did what any crazy paranoid wife would do. I gave in and called his work. The secretary picked up. "He's at a client." "I know that, can I just speak to the dispatcher?" She put me through to his co-worker. I didn't want to speak to him because he probably already thinks I am a weirdo because my husband calls me the parole officer. I didn't make myself sound any less crazy when I said, "Hey, have you talked to my husband today? I haven't been able to get in touch with him all day. I know I sound like a stalker-wife but I am kind of concerned." He laughed, "I try to get through and will tell him to call you." "Thanks." He probably hung up the phone and told the office that his parole officer was checking in.

Another hour went by and I am at my sisters house on her couch just ringing my hands, completely freaked out. And then, my phone rang. It was him. "Sorry, my phone died and I forgot my charger." "Well, I was over here planning your funeral." He laughed, "I had to buy a charger, it was $20 bucks." My piece of mind is worth 20 bucks for sure. A little while later he walked through the front door and I jumped up to hug him. "I am so happy that you're alive." He said, "Now, you know how I feel when you don't answer your phone." I shrugged, "But it's like me not to answer my phone but it's out of character for you to not answer yours." He sat down to eat and all was right with the world.