The Parole Officer

Last weekend my husband was supposed to go to the shooting range with some friends and he forgot about it apparently because I was at the computer reading the news and his phone was next to me charging and a text popped up that said, "Hey dude, are you coming?" I woke him up and he said, "Just tell him my parole officer said I couldn't go." When he says parole officer - he means me. He threw me under the bus. I don't know how I became known as the parole officer. I think one day he called to let me know he was doing something after work and I asked him to be home at a certain time and he said, "What are you my parole officer?" It just stuck after that. I know he uses me as an excuse to get out of things. I would do the same if I ever was invited to social events - which I am not because my entire life is consumed with work and the children and there is little room for anything else besides sleeping.

I will get back to the parole officer thing in a minute. This week my husband upgraded the software on my iphone and it was acting stupid ever since. It was slow, it was taking forever for my contacts to come up. I was irritated. It all came to a head Friday. I had to run to Fedex and I needed to send out an email but my stupid phone wasn't working right. I was sitting in my car in the Fedex parking lot trying to send out this email and it was kind of urgent but my efforts were fruitless. After 15 minutes, I finally snapped. I screamed at my phone. I held it up to my face and I screamed at it. Not words, just an angry yell. See below:

 

The other customers must have thought I lost my mind. I am so upset. So I had to drive all the way home to send this email out and on my way, I left my husband a distressing voicemail, "Honey, I hope you are having a good day but I need to tell you - I HATE MY *bleeping* PHONE. I WANT TO THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW. WHAT THE *bleep* DID YOU DO TO IT? AHHHHHHH. I love you! Call me back." That was at 10:30 in the morning. I went home, sent out my emails and busied myself with other things.

I got a call from my sister inviting us to dinner at her house. So I called my husband at noon to let him know. It went straight to voicemail. Another 2 hours went by and I still hadn't heard from him. I was starting to get kind of suspicious. 

I called an hour later, left another voicemail. Every voicemail is more and more desperate from the last. I picked up the kids at 4 and we made our way over to my sister's house. I called again and again it went to voicemail. Now I was panicked. It had been 6 hours and I hadn't heard from him. I was starting to get concerned. I always assume the worst. What if he drove off a bridge and his phone is under water with his car? What if he was mugged and they stole his phone and now he is naked and bleeding alone in the woods? Did he run away with a Cindy Crawford look alike to the midwest to start a new life? Should I look up fatal accidents on the news? Should I call the hospital? I was being completely irrational. I have a tendency to do that time to time.

I did what any crazy paranoid wife would do. I gave in and called his work. The secretary picked up. "He's at a client." "I know that, can I just speak to the dispatcher?" She put me through to his co-worker. I didn't want to speak to him because he probably already thinks I am a weirdo because my husband calls me the parole officer. I didn't make myself sound any less crazy when I said, "Hey, have you talked to my husband today? I haven't been able to get in touch with him all day. I know I sound like a stalker-wife but I am kind of concerned." He laughed, "I try to get through and will tell him to call you." "Thanks." He probably hung up the phone and told the office that his parole officer was checking in.

Another hour went by and I am at my sisters house on her couch just ringing my hands, completely freaked out. And then, my phone rang. It was him. "Sorry, my phone died and I forgot my charger." "Well, I was over here planning your funeral." He laughed, "I had to buy a charger, it was $20 bucks." My piece of mind is worth 20 bucks for sure. A little while later he walked through the front door and I jumped up to hug him. "I am so happy that you're alive." He said, "Now, you know how I feel when you don't answer your phone." I shrugged, "But it's like me not to answer my phone but it's out of character for you to not answer yours." He sat down to eat and all was right with the world.