Car Rides

              

We have been a little crazy the past 2 weeks. We have taken a few road trips which were fun...in between the parts where I wanted to drive off bridges. The kids are much better in the car now so it wasn't awful, but you never know what will happen.

We took the children to Monticello and Montpelier and made them learn about history and then we made the trip to New Jersey. I made the kids use the restroom at Montpelier before we left and we were good to do. Until we got to Washington, D.C. AKA The Mouth of Satan. It was stop and go traffic for over an hour. Of course, while we were stopped in traffic the kids were like, "I gotta pee." I was driving and I told them we would get off at the next exit that was 3 miles away. Well, it takes forever to drive 3 miles in a traffic jam like that. The children got increasingly upset but there was nothing I could do. "Mama, I'm gonna pee my pannnnnnnnnts!" I was feeling frantic, "Honey, do we have a vessel they can pee in." "WHAT? They are not boys, they can't just pee in a vessel." My daughter said, "Can I pee into a towel?" My husband turned around and very sternly said, "YOU BETTER NOT PEE INTO A TOWEL." Check that off the list of things I never expected to hear in my life time. We were almost to the exit and my youngest daughter began to scream and cry, "I can't hold it! I feel like I'm having a baby!!!!" Because she knows what it's like to baby....

So I get off at the exit and I am in the worst place ever to find a public restroom. We were in downtown DC. Seriously, like at the National Mall. The kids were sobbing at this point and I was sure I was in hell. Finally I came across a CVS but there was no where to park, I put on my emergency lights and just dropped them off with my husband on the sidewalk. "I'll pick you up when you are done." There was no where to park so I decided I would drive around. I had to use the bathroom too but it was just not going to happen for me. So I flipped through the radio stations and drove around the block - like 8 times. I was stopped at a stop light and this song came on the radio called "Whistle While You Twerk." I was fascinated by this tune. It was a rap song that re-invented the Disney dwarves "Whistle While you Work". In case you did not know, the definition of twerk is: to move the body in in a sexually suggestive twisting fashion. I was so intrigued and amused that I kept it on. As I was being amazed by this lovely musical masterpiece I watched a nice Amish family cross the road. There were 10 of them. An old man in a wheel chair and little children in ankle length dresses and braids, the father in a straw hat and a vest. I watched them walk among the tall buildings and the busy road while "Whistle While You Twerk" set the background music and I thought - this is an old moment of things that do not go together at all.

I then received the call and drove back to recover my family. They loaded in the car and my husband complained that CVS didn't have a public bathroom and he had to beg the cashier. He was so irritated. We continued on in the traffic jam.

We got to the Baltimore tunnel and what do you know? Cash only. What the hell? This is 2013, who carried cash? Excuse me while I fetch ye satchel of coins for thy tunnel. I sighed, "Can I just write you a check?" The lady rolled her eyes and said, "No, we will send you a bill for 6 dollars and then you can pay us." "So, I can't write a check but you can send me a bill and then I can pay with a check?" She looked at me like I had 3 heads. Whatever, it's government run so I wasn't surprised. By the time we made it through the tunnel I had to go. BAD.

We pulled into WaWa and low and behold, the bathroom was closed for cleaning. The man at the register said, "We are making it nice and clean for you." Look dude, I don't care if there is poo poo on the ceiling, let me in. I begged and pleaded and they let me in. Thank goodness. Then we got some hoagies, ate and got back in the car. The kids quarreled for 20 minutes, my husband yelled and then finally they fell asleep.

We finally got to our destination, 2 hours late. My husband parked the car and I turned to him. "Are you ready to drive back home in a few days?" He said nothing. The car was silent then as we both cried, bitterly, on the inside.