Babies

   
I babysat last week. An actual baby. I know, that's frightening right? I usually am too busy to watch my own kids let alone anyone else's kids but it just so happened it was on a day I was available and I had no real excuses to get out of it so I I thought, What the hell? This is my uncle's baby. I love it. It will be fine.

Her mama was having some dental work done so I met her downtown and she gave me the run down of what I needed to know. There was a humongous bag full of baby crap. Diapers, wipes, rattles, changing pad, a sweater, a sippy cup, and this pouch thing that had baby food in it. I thought that was pretty nifty, they didn't have baby food pouches when my kids were babies.

She was like, "I just changed her. She usually poops in the morning but she hasn't pooped yet so you might need to change her." I was like:
                                   
I looked at the baby and I was like: Why didn't you poop this morning like you always do, baby?
"You guys will be fine. Thanks so much." Then she just left me alone with the baby. I have two children of my own, I know a lot about babies but I was freaked out. I don't like being responsible for babies.

I stared at the baby, she stared at me. I stared at the baby, she stared at me. She shook her rattle a little bit and smiled. She is super cute. I decided that we would go for a walk. There is a little coffee shop in downtown Charleston that was close by so I loaded her up and off we went.

I stepped outside and there was a chill in the air. I pulled the sweater from the bag and put it on her. Babies don't help you dress them. I was trying to bend her arm to get it in the sleeve and I was struggling with it and she was just looking at me like, Haha. You really suck at this, lady.

I finally got her sweater on and off we went. The whole time I was walking she was just looking at me. I looked back at her like, What? Do I have a booger or something? I felt awkward like she wanted me to talk to her or something. That's what I did. I talked to the baby. "It's such a nice day today. Oh! We just hit a bump....." What else do you say to a baby?

We got to the coffee shop and the stroller didn't fit through the door. So I just left it outside. Bad babysitter award. I thought, Gee, I hope no one steals this stroller because I really need a cup of coffee. I took the baby out of the stroller and set her on my hip and walked into the shop.

The young girl behind the counter said, "Oh, your baby is so cute." I replied, "Thank you, but this is not my baby." I ordered a coffee and a chocolate chip muffin. Then I walked over to put some cream in my coffee. I had the baby in one arm and I thought, "How the heck am I going to do this?" I forgot what life is like doing things one-handed. Isn't there a baby shelf that you can just lay babies on while you fix your coffee?

I figured it out and went back outside. The stroller was still there. I walked across the street and found a bench to eat my muffin and drink my coffee. The baby kept reaching out for my muffin so I just started giving her some. She's almost a year old, I've seen babies younger than her eating Cheetos and drinking Hi-C so I didn't feel that bad about it. I would put a tiny piece in her hand and she would stick it in her mouth and then start laughing and then immediately reach her hand out for more. Babies are so easily amused.

I took her out of the stroller and we chased a bird for a while, then I loaded her up and we walked back. She had a wet diaper and I changed it and then I walked her around the loop outside until she went to sleep. The moment she was asleep, I felt like a boss. Babies need constant attention. It's the worst.

Her mom came out of her appointment and the baby woke up just at that moment. I kissed her good bye. Bye baby, I love you, thanks for not pooping. I walked out alone without a stroller. I was completely unencumbered. I love the baby but I was glad it was over.

I am not a mother of babies and I have not been in such a long time. My BABY, my youngest child will be nine years old in 72 days. I used to be sad that my kids are getting older and I still am a little but I'm also glad that they are not babies anymore.

Not that they get any easier. They don't. My ten year old for instance almost got adopted out today. We were in the car this afternoon on our way to her orthodontist appointment and she told me that I was wearing too much makeup. Which was not true. Then do you know what she said to me? "Just face it, mom. You're just not that pretty." She said it out of nowhere. She wasn't in a bad mood, we weren't arguing. I was like:

                                  

When she realized that she hurt my feelings she back tracked and said. "I didn't say you were ugly. I just said I don't think you are pretty. But that's just my opinion." Gee, thanks for clarifying that. I thought to myself, I think you're a beeotch, but that's just my opinion. 

Babies: because if they weren't horrible enough, just remember they eventually turn into A-holes.