Clothing Problems

                             
We have clothing problems in my house this week. What's new? It's getting warmer which means that the battles have begun. My oldest daughter has endured the fashion gestapo all year and it's getting so much worse now that the temps are rising. We went through all of her clothes and I had her try them on to do a check. "Ok, put your hands down. They need to be fingertip length.....relax your shoulders, your shoulders should not be up to your ears. Now grab your ankles. Oh hell no, put those in the Goodwill pile." She was so annoyed with me. We are not doing short shorts EVER.

My eight year old is annoying with her shorts too. Mostly because she wants to wear the same ones EVERY DAY. She has a pair of shorts that she loves that are bright pink and orange and look like an Aztec pattern. She wore them on Monday. On Tuesday morning, she came downstairs and she was wearing the shorts again.
"You wore those shorts yesterday."
"So?"
"So they are dirty, go change them."
"They are not dirty and it's going to be hot."
"You have ten pairs of shorts, go change."
"These are my favorite, though."
A fight ensued. We went back and forth about it before I finally said, "SCREW IT! Get in the car!" She walked to the car in her dirty aztec shorts. Her standards are low. If she was wearing jean shorts than maybe you could wear them two days in a row and no one would know but it you wear hot pink and orange aztec patterned shorts consecutively people are going to take notice. Also, her shirt didn't match with her shorts. I give up. People are going think I don't care and that I support my daughter looking like a hobo.

If you know me and my children and you see them looking like a hot mess, just know that it's not because I am a neglectful asshole. Know that I gave motherly advice and guidance about it and that I am picking my battles.

It's not just the kids that are having clothes problems. I have major clothes problems. A month ago I got rid of all of my jeans. I hate how I look in jeans. I want to wear A-line skirts and dresses 24/7. Then I signed up to chaperone the fifth grade field trip. I needed jeans or shorts because it was going to be a lot of walking around outside. We sat at the dinner table earlier in the week and I was telling my husband that I needed to buy some pants. My ten year old felt the need to offer her rude opinion. "Don't get old lady jeans like you always do. Go get some jeans from Old Navy."

That is what I did. I went to Old Navy. I stood at the jean wall looking over the selection. Then I heard a voice, "Can I help you pick out some jeans?" I turned around and saw a lady with the craziest smile ever.
                                                         
She was freaky and very excited to help me pick out jeans. I was very overwhelmed by her excitement. She pulled jeans off of racks and just started handing them to me. "These are really popular rick now - the Rock Star jean. You would look great in these." I have always thought of myself as a Rock Star and this lady seemed like she knew what she was talking about so I decided to try those on. I browsed and picked up a few tee shirts and headed to the dressing room.

I stood in the dressing room and tried on my pile of jeans. I hated them all. I have a weird body. I decided on the Rock Star jeans because there were very stretchy and I could get them over my rear end. Those are my only two specifications for buying pants now. Sad. The tee shirts were cute, not form fitting and not too big. I checked out and I was mostly happy with my selections.

The day of the field trip I got dressed and went down stairs to fix breakfast. My ten year old made her way downstairs and stopped in her tracks. "Oh my God, mom. What are you doing?" She seemed distressed. "What?" I asked her. "You are wearing skinny jeans." I looked down at my jeans. "No I'm not. They are called rock star jeans. The lady at Old Navy said I should buy them." She groaned, "And a tee shirt? Are you trying to dress like me now? That is my style." WTF? Jeans and a tee shirt is EVERYONE's style but because I am always in either in a skirt of slacks my jeans and tee shirt wearing was very annoying to her.

I was upset that she was upset. "Seriously!?!? I did what you told me to do. You told me not to get grandma jeans and to go to Old Navy. That's what I did. What is the problem?" She crossed her arms and replied, "Well, I didn't think you would be trying to dress like a teenager again. You're embarrassing!"
             
What I wanted to say was that if I actually was trying to dress like a teenager again I would be wearing something way sluttier than what I had on but that is filed away with The Things My Daughters Shalt Not Ever Find Out. Instead, I rolled my eyes at her and told her to get over it. She pouted.

What have we learned here? That I obsess over my kid's shorts, that my youngest child wants to be a hobo, and that I am trying to "steal" the style of my ten year old apparently. The recipient of the Bad Mom Award has to keep up her street cred of motherly horribleness and I am sure not to disappoint in that arena.