Double Hell Sticks

                         
We are in homework hell sticks right now. Yes, you read that correctly. The other day I tried to spell the H word and instead of saying H-E-double hockey sticks, I said H-E-double hell sticks which completely defeated the purpose of me spelling the word in the first place. Consequently, my 10 year old now has the compulsion to yell out "Hell sticks!" randomly. Bad mom award.

Anyway, back to the homework. My children are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to homework. When I ask my oldest if she completed her homework she says, "Homework? What homework?" My youngest replies, "I completed my homework, quizzed myself with additional math problems and read ahead in social studies so I will be prepared for tomorrow." Both ends of the spectrum are horrible.

Take my youngest for instance. She is so anal about her homework that she stresses me out. If she doesn't understand something she will ask for my help and then she never likes the way I do things and she flips out. She is doing a research project right now that I'm pretty sure that it is sucking the soul out of me. There has been yelling, screaming, and crying. I was called an idiot twice and she has cried approximately 4 times over the thing.
                          
All because of a research project about red pandas. Because she is researching the red panda, she feels that I should also have to know everything about the red panda too. "Mom, did you know that red pandas are grey when they are born? Mom, did you know that red pandas eat bamboo? Mom, did you know...." I can't ignore her. I have to acknowledge the red panda facts and act interested. I hate the red panda. If I ever see one I going to punch it in the face.

Dealing with my third grader is child's play compared to the ten year old. I wanted to throttle her last week. Every semester they have a reading goal to meet and they earn points for reading books. Twice a year they do double points day and double points day is this week. She was reading a 10 point book and when I inquired about her progress we had this conversation:
"Oh, I turned that book back in."
"Did you finish it?"
"No."
"WHAT?!?!?! You only had 60 pages left. You read 300 pages and you turned it back in?!?!"
"Yeah, they were making out in the book."
"Did anyone take their clothes off?"
"No."
"Well, you better re-check that book out and finish it then. You don't just give up 20 points. HELL STICKS!!!!"

She did and she got her points but there was much yelling involved. Besides the reading, she had a group science project over the past few weeks. She came home last Tuesday and said, "Our group is meeting at Starbucks tonight." It was a scheme with all the girls which she no doubt planned. She is constantly trying to get me to take her to Starbucks. I took her there and I let her buy a drink. She stood at the counter and said, "I'd like a caramel mocha frappuccino with whip, please." Diva status.

I sat at that Starbucks for two and a half hours reading a magazine while they worked on their presentation about the rainforest. I looked up to 5 girls standing around me wide-eyed. My daughter said, "Mom, Mrs. D said we could dress up for our presentation. We want to be forest rangers and have hats and vests and stuff like that. Can you do it? Pleeeeeease????"

She thinks that I can just do things which is sweet but very annoying. I agreed and said that the girls could all come over on Sunday to finish their project while I did the costumes. Sunday rolled around and we went to the store to get what they needed for their diorama and costumes. While they made their diorama I got to work on the costumes. I fashioned them each a vest from a brown paper bag, created pockets and hot glued buttons. I made them personalized name tags and wrote "Rainforest Patrol" on the back. I lined their straw hats with camo fabric that I had on hand. I even purchased some fake snakes and stuffed monkeys to complete the ensemble.

As I had each little girl try on her vest and make adjustments I realized that I am the kind of mother that I hate. How annoying and pretentious. Who is this woman who spends hours making costumes from brown paper bags and old fabric? A mom who doesn't work, that's who. A mom who needs to get a life.

Her friends left and she told me that she had the write the paper. "Why do you have to write it?" I asked. "Because I volunteered to." Never do that again, I wanted to say. I was so proud of her. She did the whole thing and only helped with the editing.

I thought I was good to go. The project was done and I didn't have to hear about it anymore. Until this morning when 20 minutes before we have to leave my daughter comes down with blue paint and declares that she has to add a stream to the diorama. "Can you help?"

                            
I was in the middle of packing lunch, there was mustard running down the stove, I was trying to put breakfast together, the 8 year old was yelling that she couldn't find her shoes and now suddenly we need to add a stream to the completed diorama that has been sitting on the counter for 3 days?

What did I do? I stopped everything and helped her take half of the diorama apart to paint the freaking stream. Screw it with making lunch. I wrote $2 checks so they could buy school lunch.

The last day of school I am going to celebrate. I am going to do the happy dance.

                              
Thirty one days of school left. Please Lord give me strength to make it.