Freaking Me Out

                 
Why is the end of the school year so busy? I hate it. I am in charge of an event at my daughter's school which means that I am pretty much living there this week. Yesterday I was just going about my day, doing what I needed to do and finally in the afternoon I decided to take a bathroom break. I was chugging water all day and holding it in. I'm about to get TMI on you in a minute, so you are warned.

So I go into the bathroom and sit down to pee. As soon as I do the damn fire alarm goes off. It was so loud that I jumped. Mid-pee. That's hot. The alarm was so loud and the light was blinking but I couldn't stop peeing. It was like a three minute one. I imagined that the popcorn machine in the library was on fire and by the time I finished I would be locked in the library full of burning books. That would be the end for me.

I couldn't even enjoy my long-awaited satisfying pee because my ears hurt. I did make it out of the building alive though. False alarm.

I was ready for a much less eventful evening. We did our Tuesday tradition of going out to eat and then came home to get ready for the next day. My dad came over and watched Hannibal with my husband. That show is a little too gory for me so I passed.

I got the kids to bed and dad finally left around 10. We locked up and turned out the lights. Well, except for the hallway light. We leave that on because my husband is afraid of the dark. We chatted for a while and then both drifted off to sleep.

I didn't sleep well. I had a weird dream that I was walking around in the neighborhood that I grew up in except that it was rundown and creepy. Then there was a man with a gun and he was shooting at me as I ran away. I woke up in a cold sweat. When I did it was pitch black and I heard ominous music and then voices. I sat up in bed thinking that I was still dreaming. I wasn't. I could hear everything clearly.

I nudged my husband awake. "Did you leave the TV on downstairs?" He shook his head but got up to investigate. He went into the hallway the flicked the switch. "Damn it! The light bulb is burned out. I just changed it." I heard him walk down stairs then the music and talking stopped. It was a few more minutes before he came upstairs. He walked right over to his phone.

"What was that?" He didn't say anything for a minute.
 "That's weird."
"What?"
"I went downstairs and Hannibal was playing on TV, The murder scene from the first episode. That's impossible because I chrome casted it and we watched through the second episode. It's not even on my phone."

He looked around. "Where is the dog?" He checked the kids rooms and we couldn't find her. She was under the bed. Which she does occasionally but it's unusual for her to sleep down there. I felt unsettled. Between the nightmare, the light being burned out, the hiding dog, and murder scenes randomly playing themselves on my television in the middle of the night was to much for me. 

I got up and started my day. I had to bring a bunch of stuff to the school so my husband took my youngest and I took my oldest. My oldest was not herself this morning. She was really dragging. I asked her why she was so tired and she said, "I had this nightmare last night. I don't really remember it that good but somebody got shot. I woke up and I only had my pillow. My blanket was on the other side of the room and I had to get out of bed to get it. That's why I'm so tired." WTF? I was like:

We have to move! I'm scared! I just pooped my pants!

Isn't that just too much creepy shit to happen in one night? I need to burn some sage and have a priest come over with some holy water or something.

So that's what is going on with me. I hope the next few days are less eventful.

Just Over Here Being Awkward

                           
The other day I was sitting at the dinner table with my mother in law finishing dinner. My husband was not around because he was attending a work dinner that night. My phone rangs and it was him.

"Hey! You wanna come to the dinner with me? They said spouses could come."
"No. That's okay. I just ate."
"C'mon, I want you to come."
"But I'm so tired."
"You're coming!"
"But the kids have homework."
"Seriously, you're coming."

I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I don't like going to events where I don't know other people. It makes me super anxious. I resigned myself. I made arrangements for the children and went upstairs to get dressed. We left as soon as he got home. On the way to the restaurant I made him give me the list of people who were going to be there so I could mentally prepare myself. He was annoyed, "Why are you freaking out?"
"What if they hate me? What if I say something stupid?"
"No one will hate you and PLEASE don't say anything stupid."
Me saying something stupid is not outside of the range of possibilities. I try to make an effort to think before I talk but that doesn't always work. Things will come out of my mouth and I think: Well, that was unfortunate.  

My husband tried to calm me. "Well, no matter what - it can't be as bad as the dinner with the racist cross dresser." LOL. About 6 or 7 years ago we attended the most awkward dinner party ever. I mean EVER. It was one of his bosses thirtieth birthday party at this restaurant downtown. We got stuck between two of his close friends. One was a PA who blabbed on and on about his Range Rover and how much he hated his patients and a guy who was a cross dresser who was horribly racist.

At first he was funny. He was very flamboyant and talked about how he dressed up and went to the club. I was fascinated by him. Until he started saying the most horrible, racist things ever. Saying that things were better before the Civil War. However, he was born and raised in Massachusetts so I thought that was strange. He said things so horrible that I can't even repeat them. He was being loud and flamboyant about it and there were people at other tables around us giving us dirty looks.

We had to make up an excuse to leave early because I could not take it. It was the worst. The one hour we were at that dinner party felt like 5 hours. I was thankful that my husband reminded me of that event because he was right- it could not be worse than that.

We show up to the restaurant and I met a few people. They were very nice. I sat in my seat in the corner and tried to fill the awkward silence with conversation. As more people came, I stood to greet them. I stood up this one time and turned to shake someone's hand and my butt almost knocked the table over. It lifted it up almost knocked all the cups over. I was so embarrassed. I am always almost damaging property with my butt or accidentally touching people with it. No one can stand close to me because if I turn to the side they are going to get butt touched. If I'm in the middle seat at the movies I cannot get up because in my world there is no sliding past people. If I face one way, someone is going to get knocked on the back of their head with my butt and if I turn the other way I get knees in my butt. It's actually quite annoying and inconvenient. I don't know why anyone would get butt implants.

                                                     
So after I almost knocked the table over with my large backside in front of all my husband's co-workers, I decided I would just sit quietly and wave to any more new comers. I sat and listened to the conversations of everyone around me. I find it strange when I am around people who I don't know that know my husband. Everyone was very nice but I didn't have much to say. They talked about work. I didn't understand any of it.

I just sat there awkwardly. Someone made a joke, "and then I said...sounds like a software problem!" And everyone was like:
                                      
And I'm just sitting there like:
                         

After we settled in, I was okay. Until my husband ordered cheesy bread. I have been doing good on my diet and I am not eating any carbs. I got bullied into eating a piece of it. I was disappointed in myself. I have been doing so good. I've lost 5 pounds so far. I thought today I would be back in the 130s. I stepped on the scale this morning and it was jumping between 138-141 and then it flashed 140.0. .0? Are you kidding me. I was going for 139.8. Maybe tomorrow.

Anyway, I made it through the rest of the dinner without embarrassing myself. I was proud. On the way home we were talking out plans for our anniversary. It's next month and is creeping up on us. We originally were going to go out of town but I feel like being low key. He wants to go out for dinner but we always go out for dinner. I suggested something a little different. "Let's send the kids somewhere for the night and we can get Taco Bell take-out and watch an Austin Powers Marathon. I don't know about you, but that sounds amazing!"

He looked at me like I was a weirdo and said, "Okay, whatever makes you happy!" I'm a cheap date.

Play Date

   

My daughter had a date on Saturday. A play date with a boy. She has this little "boyfriend" which means they sit together at lunch and talk occasionally. Last week he asked her if she wanted to go to SkyZone with him. My immediate reaction was to say no. Not for any good reason but because I don't like her going anywhere with a boy. I would never let her go alone. Of course I was going, that was a condition of her going. So I said "yes." I called his mom and we discussed it and we agreed to meet on Saturday.

We got there a few minutes early and the kid (Blondie) walks in with his mom, grand mom and baby brother. I had to laugh because my daughter is HUGE standing next to him. She is like 4 inches taller than he is. She is a really big kid all of a sudden. A few weeks ago I realized that her hands are bigger than mine, we almost wear the same shoe size. It's crazy.

I watched as the two of them jumped on the trampoline and laughed. They were just being cute and having a good time. I made small talk with his mother. They have been "going out" since right after the Valentine's dance which is almost forever in fifth grade. Afterwards we sat around and the kids drank sodas and we left. They were awkward and waved goodbye like they didn't know each other. It was uneventful.

We followed the event with a mother/daughter lunch at Mellow Mushroom and talked about the summer, movies we want to see, and sixth grade. She's so funny. I actually enjoy her company when she is being nice and not telling me that I'm ugly. The rest of the weekend was good but this week has been a little rough.

I was volunteering at her school today. It's my Tuesday routine - I help in the library for a few hours and I pop in to see her during lunch to visit for a few minutes and see how her day is going. I walked into the cafeteria today and I didn't see her in her usual spot. Her teacher called her over because she was sitting in silent lunch. Silent lunch = you are in trouble.

She walked up to me and I asked, "Why are you in silent lunch?" That's when she burst into tears. I pulled her into the hallway and she literally buried her head into my chest and sobbed. I wasn't sure why. I just wrapped my arms around her and let her. I let her cry until she was calm. "What happened?"

"Blondie said he doesn't want to be my boyfriend anymore and a boy in my class called you stupid and I got silent lunch for petting my friends hair." I was like:

                             
So the long story short is that Blondie doesn't like that she is friends with boys (get over it kid, this is 5th grade) and she was petting another students hair and a teacher saw it and thought she was pulling his hair and sent her to silent lunch. I don't know why she was petting someone but kids do weird things sometimes.

Then there is the kid who called me stupid except he didn't really call me stupid. He was talking about faking being sick to avoid a school project and she told him that she could not do that because I don't always believe her when she is sick (she does fake it sometimes) and he replied, "Of course, have you seen your mom?" She took that as him saying I was stupid. I laughed.

"Maybe he was trying to say that I am smart and no one can fool me, maybe he thinks I don't want you to miss school because I value education....." She sniffled. "No. He thinks you are dumb. It hurt my feelings. You aren't supposed to talk about other people's moms." More tears.

I know the rules about not talking about other people's moms but I personally am a fan of Yo Mama jokes so I couldn't be offended. She looked up at me with teary eyes. "Mom, can you take me home?"

"No. You still have math. Let's go in the bathroom and wash off your face." We did that and she calmed down. I hugged her and she went off to recess. This age is interesting because the smallest things really seem huge. It was like the end of the world.

When she got home this afternoon she set her book bag down and it was like a weight was lifted off of her shoulders. She breathed a sigh of relief. I sat down on the couch and she sat next to me and laid her head in my lap. I brushed her hair with my fingers. "It's hard being a kid sometimes isn't it?"

"Yeah. Boys are jealous and stupid. I wish school was over already." I smiled. "Me too."

School isn't over yet. We have 11.5 days left and she has a science project due tomorrow. There was not much time for wallowing on the couch because we had to get started. The project was to make an edible cell. We made a cake. I was so proud of her because she baked the cake herself. She followed directions, put it in the oven, and even dyed the icing herself! I only supervised.

This was the finished product:
                 
She was so proud of it and by the time it was finished she was back to herself again. The anguish of the day seemed to have melted away. I was glad.

I feel so fortunate to have this time with the kids. Even though they are older now -they still need me as much as they ever have. I'm not rushed anymore. I'm present. Whenever I question myself God always sends me a little reminder that I'm doing exactly what I need to do right now. Now we just have to get through these next 11.5 days!

Diets and More

                    
This is a super busy time of year. I'm starting to say that every time of year now. Only 14 more days of school left. I am crossing them off and salivating about the thought of not having to wake up at five in the morning to make lunches and shuffle children all around. Of course when that time rolls around, I will be complaining about them in the house all day making messes and driving me crazy. There is no winning.

May is always bittersweet for me. It's a few weeks before my wedding anniversary, the kid's birthdays and the end of the school year. It's a reminder that another year has come and gone. The girls are getting so big. They will be 9 and 11 and in August will be 4th and 6th graders. Say WHAT?!?!?!?!? I have some big kids. I still cannot believe it. Especially my baby. My 8 year old wears matching clothes now and does her hair in the morning. She wants to be like her big sister.

The kids are easy at this age. They can do most anything themselves. They are funny. You can hold real conversations with them. They are good kids. All in all, I hit the kid lottery. I feel incredibly blessed.

Seriously though, I am going to have a daughter in the sixth grade. Mind blowing. The kids are getting older and I am getting older too. Things are not how they used to be. I have this new line around my eye. It's not crows feet. It's this crease. It's my dad's eye crease. I would get some restylane injections but they are so pricey. I need to work for a plastic surgeon so I can get a discount. I also feel like I gain weight more easily now that I'm in my 30s.

I hit rock bottom on Monday. I cannot fit into my pants. I stepped on the scale and almost had a heart attack. I cannot eat whatever I want anymore. Which, in my humble opinion, is bullshit. I would like to loose 17 pounds. So I am biting the bullet and not doing carbs and eating smaller portions and doing what I'm supposed to do. This is what I had for a snack today:

But don't feel bad for me because I treated myself to a salad and hard boiled egg and three strawberries too.

I was munching away on my raw veggies and hating life.

                 
I was fantasizing about cake. Chocolate cake with a caramel drizzle, chocolate chip cookies, subs....anything but green beans and carrots. Why does all the food that is bad for you taste so good? It's so unfair. I have to do it though. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to look at my thighs in the mirror without feeling like I might vomit and that helped me to power through. Yes, the days of eating whatever I want with no consequences is over.

Besides eating a maximum of 1,200 calories, I was out doing yard work today. It needed to be done and I figured it would be like exercise. If anything, it was so hot that I was sure that I could sweat off three pounds. I was out there for 3 hours pulling weeds, laying down new mulch, and getting up all the damn magnolia leaves. When I came inside I was sweating and my face was burning. My eight year old saw me and do you know what she said?

"Whoa, mom. You are red as balls." What? It was one of those moments where you want to laugh really hard but you can't because you know it sets a bad example. "That's not an appropriate thing to say. Don't say that again." Where did she get that fun little "as balls" quip? Not from me. Which is surprising, honestly. It's my husbands fault. Those are his choice words. Bad Dad Award.

When he got home I greeted him and then I put my hands on my hips and said. "Do you know what your daughter said to me today?"
"No. What?"
"When I came in from the heat she told me that I was red as balls."
"Were you?"

Heaven help us.

Happy Bad Mother's Day

                           
It's Mother's Day again. This might be an unpopular view, but I kind of hate Mother's Day. It's a lot of pressure. You have to buy gifts and cards and make plans. There are expectations to be lived up to.... At least Hallmark makes a lot of money off of it.

My husband gets weird about Mother's Day every year. A few weeks ago he asked me what I want for Mother's Day.
"Nothing."
"Stop, you can't want nothing."
"Seriously, I don't."
"Yes, you do. C'mon on it's Mother's Day."
"It's a stupid made up holiday anyway. Just get me a card if it makes you feel better."
"Why can't you be a normal person that wants things? You never want anything."
"Because if I want something I just get it."
"Seriously, what do you want?"
"I don't know....just get me a gift certificate for a massage."
"You get that EVERY year."

He was annoyed. I really don't need anything. I am extremely low maintenance. If I get a card and don't have to yell at the kids then I am good. He could take me to Arbys for dinner. I don't think I need a whole dog and pony show for doing what I am supposed to do. I don't need expensive gifts or grand gestures. I feel appreciated by him and the kids often.

Last weekend we had dinner outside on the picnic table and it was so nice that I remarked, "It would be nice to take a nap on a hammock out here." Lo and behold a hammock showed up on my porch on Friday. My husband is the worst at present giving because he can't hold out, he wants to give it to me right away. I got my Christmas present of December 6th.

Anyway, he was so excited to put it together this morning. It was raining so he put it together in the living room. He was so happy about it. He had purchased a gift that I said that I wanted. "Lay in it," he demanded. So I did. I took a nap in the hammock in my living room this afternoon. haha.

The kids thought it was great. My eight year old is planning to sleep in it tonight. "I'll sleep in the hammock, dad will sleep on the couch, you sleep on the love seat, and sister sleeps on the floor." She would put her sister on the floor. I'm up for a living room family sleepover but I think I might take the floor and give my daughter the love seat - because I'm a mom and that's what moms do.

This is my 11th Mother's Day. That seems kind of crazy. The babies that I once held in my arms are big girls now. It's different to be a mom of big kids. It's bittersweet but I feel blessed to have smart, beautiful, healthy children that I get the opportunity to watch grow. They fill my life with so much joy and laughter.

My youngest tells me all the time that she thinks I am the greatest mom in the world. She always tells me I'm the nicest, prettiest, BEST mom ever. She will throw her arms around me and profess her love. My oldest daughter does not give me that much credit but she does in her own way.

Last week I was going through my daughter's contacts in her phone and I saw that she changed my name in her contacts to "Super Woman." I held it up, "You think I'm Super Woman?" She cracked a grin, "Yeah, kind of." She went into my phone and changed her contact to "Super Girl." "Now we match," she told me with a smile. "I love you, mom."

Sicky Sicky

            
I feel like a human again today. I have been so sick the past 4 days. It's been really horrible. I woke up on Monday with a fever and it hurt to swallow. I've had horrible sinus congestion and have mostly been confined to my bed. Standing up made me feel horrible and dizzy.

Being stuck in bed is the worst. I pretty much watched mindless Youtube videos all day while I sipped on a bottle of Dayquil. I can now speak to anyone at length about Illuminati blood sacrifices, reptilian shape- shifters, and dancing cats.

I've been feeling so bad for my husband because he has had to do essentially everything. Even though I am legitimately sick it still makes me feel a little bit lazy. I have been the worst mother ever. I have pretty much neglected the children and let them fend for themselves.

Last night before my husband got home they were asking me what was for dinner. I was laying in bed like:                          
"We're having find it, eat it," I replied. They looked at me like I had three heads. "What does that mean?"
"That means that you go down stairs, you find something and then you eat it." You would have thought the world was coming to an end.
"Well, what can we eat?"
"Whatever you want." They could have eaten Cheez Its with a side of Popsicles and I wouldn't have cared.
"Like what?"
"A bowl of cereal, sandwich, bowl of soup, fruit."
"Why can't you just cook us something?"
Because my self preservation comes before your nutrition. I didn't say that, but I thought it.
They talked my husband into ordering pizza. I did not give any shits. I just was glad I didn't have to cook it.

When I am sick, my tolerance is really low. I don't like bright lights or loud noises. I just want to be left alone. I was literally in a feverish daze on Monday, in between sleep and consciousness, and the kids kept wanting to come ask me a million questions and show me things that I didn't care about.

"Mom, do you want to see my power point?" No. I feel like I just got hit by a car, please go away. I just started being mean. My ten year old was making these loud, obnoxious noises for some reason. It made my head hurt terribly. I asked her to stop multiple times but she just kept on going. Finally, I lost it. I sat up in bed and started screaming at her, "IF ONE MORE NOISE COMES OUT OF YOUR FACE, I AM GOING TO GROUND YOU. GET AWAY FROM ME NOW!!!!" Bad Mom Award. I screamed so loud that I think I blew snot on the wall in front of me.

Maybe when I'm feeling better, I'll be more coherent. Until then....

Gymnastics is Crazy

                                    
My daughter has been doing gymnastics for about nine months. Like I've said before, I'm not really a good gymnastics mom. I don't wait anxiously at the door to watch practice, I don't really know all the moves, I don't hang out with other gymnastics moms. My daughter likes it, so we support her but it's not our lives.

She has done two competitions and a practice meet in her gymnastics career. She got first place in different categories at each of her competitions and was in the top four overall. She's pretty good. She qualified for the regional competitions and so we made the two hour drive yesterday. It was a big competition and there were girls that had traveled from the whole South East. There were 8 states represented. It was in a big arena.

She was totally nervous but we just told her to do her best. She went down and we watched her from above, cheering her on and having a good time. What shocked me was some of the mothers around me. I'm not going to be self righteous and pretend that I'm perfect but holy hell, these people were out of their minds.

These two ladies behind me were pretty much making fun of the little girls competing. We're talking about 8 and 9 year olds, folks. Vile things. "That leotard that little girl has on is ugly." "Wow! She really screwed that routine up." "How did that chubby girl even get here?" For ten minutes I had to hear mean, negative crap like this. It took every ounce of self control that I had inside of me not to turn around and clock these women in their ugly, bird-like noses. I didn't want to make a scene.
              
How in God's name can you, as a grown woman, think it's okay to talk shit on little girls who are out there doing the best that they can? What gives them the right to do that? I swear, the older I get the more and more I begin to lose my faith in humanity.

I couldn't take it anymore so I moved. I sat behind a crazy gymnastics mom that kept calling out. Then she turned to her husband and said, "She's competing like someone paid her to do bad today." She said that about her own daughter. Out loud, in public. What an asshole.

My daughter did well. She had a few mistakes but did her best. Her overall score was a 36.4 out of 40, which is great. However, she didn't make it into the top ten. She cried so hard. She was devastated. Tears and the whole thing.

I was not disappointed. She did great, she tried her best, she had a good time. Her coach is going to move her up. I thought it was a good day. She was not consoled by me. We got into the car and she laid her head on the car window and looked miserable. Finally she spoke. "Mom, do you know what would make me feel better? A lobster tail." Diva status.

We went out to eat and I ordered her a lobster tail. Her anguish melted away. Lobster does that.