The other day I was sitting at the dinner table with my mother in law finishing dinner. My husband was not around because he was attending a work dinner that night. My phone rangs and it was him.
"Hey! You wanna come to the dinner with me? They said spouses could come."
"No. That's okay. I just ate."
"C'mon, I want you to come."
"But I'm so tired."
"You're coming!"
"But the kids have homework."
"Seriously, you're coming."
I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I don't like going to events where I don't know other people. It makes me super anxious. I resigned myself. I made arrangements for the children and went upstairs to get dressed. We left as soon as he got home. On the way to the restaurant I made him give me the list of people who were going to be there so I could mentally prepare myself. He was annoyed, "Why are you freaking out?"
"What if they hate me? What if I say something stupid?"
"No one will hate you and PLEASE don't say anything stupid."
Me saying something stupid is not outside of the range of possibilities. I try to make an effort to think before I talk but that doesn't always work. Things will come out of my mouth and I think: Well, that was unfortunate.
My husband tried to calm me. "Well, no matter what - it can't be as bad as the dinner with the racist cross dresser." LOL. About 6 or 7 years ago we attended the most awkward dinner party ever. I mean EVER. It was one of his bosses thirtieth birthday party at this restaurant downtown. We got stuck between two of his close friends. One was a PA who blabbed on and on about his Range Rover and how much he hated his patients and a guy who was a cross dresser who was horribly racist.
At first he was funny. He was very flamboyant and talked about how he dressed up and went to the club. I was fascinated by him. Until he started saying the most horrible, racist things ever. Saying that things were better before the Civil War. However, he was born and raised in Massachusetts so I thought that was strange. He said things so horrible that I can't even repeat them. He was being loud and flamboyant about it and there were people at other tables around us giving us dirty looks.
We had to make up an excuse to leave early because I could not take it. It was the worst. The one hour we were at that dinner party felt like 5 hours. I was thankful that my husband reminded me of that event because he was right- it could not be worse than that.
We show up to the restaurant and I met a few people. They were very nice. I sat in my seat in the corner and tried to fill the awkward silence with conversation. As more people came, I stood to greet them. I stood up this one time and turned to shake someone's hand and my butt almost knocked the table over. It lifted it up almost knocked all the cups over. I was so embarrassed. I am always almost damaging property with my butt or accidentally touching people with it. No one can stand close to me because if I turn to the side they are going to get butt touched. If I'm in the middle seat at the movies I cannot get up because in my world there is no sliding past people. If I face one way, someone is going to get knocked on the back of their head with my butt and if I turn the other way I get knees in my butt. It's actually quite annoying and inconvenient. I don't know why anyone would get butt implants.
So after I almost knocked the table over with my large backside in front of all my husband's co-workers, I decided I would just sit quietly and wave to any more new comers. I sat and listened to the conversations of everyone around me. I find it strange when I am around people who I don't know that know my husband. Everyone was very nice but I didn't have much to say. They talked about work. I didn't understand any of it.
I just sat there awkwardly. Someone made a joke, "and then I said...sounds like a software problem!" And everyone was like:
And I'm just sitting there like:
After we settled in, I was okay. Until my husband ordered cheesy bread. I have been doing good on my diet and I am not eating any carbs. I got bullied into eating a piece of it. I was disappointed in myself. I have been doing so good. I've lost 5 pounds so far. I thought today I would be back in the 130s. I stepped on the scale this morning and it was jumping between 138-141 and then it flashed 140.0. .0? Are you kidding me. I was going for 139.8. Maybe tomorrow.
Anyway, I made it through the rest of the dinner without embarrassing myself. I was proud. On the way home we were talking out plans for our anniversary. It's next month and is creeping up on us. We originally were going to go out of town but I feel like being low key. He wants to go out for dinner but we always go out for dinner. I suggested something a little different. "Let's send the kids somewhere for the night and we can get Taco Bell take-out and watch an Austin Powers Marathon. I don't know about you, but that sounds amazing!"
He looked at me like I was a weirdo and said, "Okay, whatever makes you happy!" I'm a cheap date.
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