Mortified

                        

I had the most mortifying moment ever today. I totally brought it on myself. My self loathing is especially strong tonight.

I have to preface this story by explaining my mindset. I live in pubertyville. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. It's a land of shaving cream, tampax, mood swings, bras, deodorant, eye rolling and boys showing up at the house with puppy dog eyes asking to hang out with my daughter. I'm just over here like:
           
My husband and I joke about it all the time. It's the only way we can stay sane.

About a week ago my daughter asked if she could go to the movies with some friends. One of those friends included E-man. I debated it. My husband and I talked about it and ultimately, I decided to let her go. I dropped my youngest off at a birthday party and then I dropped off my oldest at her friend's house where they were meeting before the movie. Then, I went to have dinner with my husband.

We went to the sandwich shop on the corner. There was no one in there. It was after dark and super quiet. I was glad, we had the whole place to ourselves. They served us our food and we lamented.

"Our daughter is at the movies with middle school kids and boys!" I said.
"I know," he said in agreement.

That's when I said something that I probably shouldn't have said. I should have just kept it in my f**king head but all I could think about was this 12 year old boy sitting next to my daughter in the movie theater. "That kid better not have a spontaneous erection while sitting next our daughter," I said with a laugh.

I wasn't trying to be mean. I am realistic. We live in pubertyville, that is a thing that could happen. It probably happens all the time. It's a part of life.

                                     
That's when a man at the counter turned around. It was so quiet and we were so engrossed in our conversation that I hadn't heard him come in. "Hey! How are you?" he said with a smile.

Who was this gentleman? It was E-man's dad.
                             
I was absolutely mortified. This man heard me speculating about his son's raging-hormone-pants-party in a sandwich shop. Like the a**hole that I am. I wanted to crawl under the table.

He was cool about it, didn't say anything. We made awkward small talk. Then he got his sandwiches and left. He is a nice guy and I am a total douche bag.

When it was just me and my husband again he started laughing so hard that I thought he was going to squirt soda out of his nose. He couldn't breathe. "That was like something out of a movie. I swear to God. The minute you said spontaneous erection he turned around and it was his dad! What is the likelihood of that? It could only happen to you."

Sh*t like that does only happen to me. I wanted to crawl under my the table. I hate myself so much. I can never face his parents ever again. Open mouth and insert both feet. FML.