Things have been a little crazy around here with a sick kid and getting ready for the holidays. You might remember that last week my daughter informed me that the elf on the shelf will bring Santa his letter and that Santa will send one back in return.
She got to work right away, writing her letter. She sealed it in an envelope and wrote SANTA in big letters across the front. She set the letter down next to the elf and said, "Don't try to open it. It's for Santa."
When she woke up the next morning the letter was gone and the elf was wrapped around a bottle of tequila. I thought it was funny. Maybe not appropriate or in the spirit of Christmas, but whatever.
That morning after I dropped her off at school, I tore open the letter and read it. It read something like this: "Dear Santa,
Merry Christmas! How is everything in the North Pole? I hope this letter brings you the Christmas spirit. I have tried to be a good girl this year. For Christmas I want...." Then she went on to list 18 items! Holy Quacamole.
On the list was: an electric razor scooter, a hover board, a BB-8, monogrammed cowboy boots, monogrammed scarf, monogrammed cross body bag, Samsung headphones, Dove shampoo and conditioner, dry shampoo, a mustache pillow. Also, lotion. Not special lotion. Just lotion. I was like:
The scooter, hover board and BB-8 would be $800 all together.
I wrote a letter on special Santa paper that read something like this:
"Imagine my surprise when Green Peppermint himself showed up with your letter. It made me so happy! Things are very busy here in the North Pole. Mrs. Claus makes sure I have plenty and cookies and hot chocolate while I check the list twice.
You are on the nice list! You have been a good girl this year. Make sure to continue to try your best and listen to your parents.
I will work hard to make Christmas morning magical for you but be grateful for everything you receive." AKA - you better not be bitchin when you don't get all the 18 items on your list.
I folded it up and left it out with the elf. I sprinkled glitter all around so that it could seem magical. She was so excited to get it. It made me feel bad that I hate the elf so much. My husband looked at the letter on the special paper and the glitter and whispered in my ear, "When did you find time for that?"
"I didn't. Santa brought it."
I have gone a little overboard with the kids gifts this year. But a lot of their gifts are boring. Like lotion. I spent $43 in Bath and Body Works this week. There was only 3 things on the counter and when the lady told me the total, I almost lost my mind. I looked at her like, "For what? These 3 things? How can that be?" I handed her my debit card slowly, with a look of pain on my face. They better make that lotion last all year because that s**t is crazy.
I did buy my 9 year old the razor scooter, a mustache pillow, headphones, and a bunch of other crap.
My 11 year old's list was much more reasonable. Converse high-tops (all white), a penny board, some pencils and a sketch pad, a Totoro messenger bag, and underwear.
What kind of kid asks for underwear? Neglected kids. "Why did you need underwear? You have plenty of underwear."
"No, I don't. I also need socks."
She asked for it specifically so I am going to put them in a special box and act like they are a legit gift. I even threw some socks in there.
The shopping for the kids is mostly done. I still need to get gift cards for all the teachers. Secret Santa gifts for like, 20 people. I feel like I have a lot of time but it's only 13 days away now. The panic will definitely settle in by this time next week. I'll be broke, tired, and overwhelmed but we'll get there. As long as I don't have to step foot back in Bath and Body Works, I'll be happy. Please help me, baby Jesus!
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