I'm Back

              
It's certainly been a while. For good reason. I have been in survival mode. Sure, it's been busy but it's more than that. I've been pulling into myself, gathering my inner strength, resting. This school year has not been easy for anyone in my household. I think I'm going to have PTSD. This was me at the start of the school year:
                           
This is me now at Spring Breaktime:
                            
I can't. WE just can't go on like this anymore. We have made the extremely difficult decision not to send my oldest daughter back to her school next year. I'm not sure about my youngest yet. I think it has almost killed me. I can't sleep. I wake up every night at 3 am in a cold sweat and can't get back to sleep. I'm breaking out. I'm just overall feeling stressed about the whole thing. I've prayed on it and think that is the right decision but it is not easy for many reasons.

Last night, I was just done. I was so tired and achy. I put on my sweats, pulled my hair into a ponytail and looked in the mirror. I am all pimply along my jawline, I've dark circles under my eyes. I've recently started sprouting random 2-inch long gray hairs in the middle of my forehead. Weird, right? They just show up overnight. I truly cannot believe my husband still wants to sleep with me.
              
I went downstairs and made myself a giant slice of chocolate cake. That wasn't it though- I pulled anything sugary out and spread it on the cake. Extra icing, caramel and chocolate syrup. I poured myself a big glass of milk and sat down on the couch next to my husband. He's not doing much better. He's back in school, work is busy. "Wanna watch Unsolved Mysteries?" He knows my heart. We shared the cake and watched our show and it was so nice. This is marriage - two tired, stressed out, fat parents sitting on the couch watching Robert Stack in a trench coat tell scary stories while sharing chocolate cake. That's romance.

                              
The kids...they're okay, I guess. My oldest is grounded for life right now. I took her phone and she is not allowed to have access to internet or any of her electronics. She is so pissed but is taking it well. She's been a lot more productive. She is the one who baked the chocolate cake we were eating.

Anyway, I have had her phone and every time she gets a text or a message - it pings. Since Saturday, she's had 3 boys ask her out. Since SATURDAY. The texts go something like this, "I really like you a lot. Will you go out with me?" Where the hell do they think they will go? I am so triggered. I texted them back. "My daughter is punished and doesn't have a phone and NO she is not allowed to go out with you." I like you a lot, yeah - I know what that means. Go take a cold shower and read the Bible or something. Am I allowed to say that to random kids? Probably not.

Even my 5th grader came home on Friday and said, "Yeah, this kid asked if I would be his girlfriend. I just laughed and said, "No way!" Well, way to let the kid down easy.  The hormones are just out of control. Christ Almighty!

As I was saying, my oldest has no electronics and she was trying to get us to give her one of our old phones so she can listen to music. Does she think I was born yesterday? I said, "I'll get you some music." I went into the garage and pulled out an old CD player with a radio tuner on the side. It's not even digital. I went into her room and set it down. She looked at me like I gave her an ancient relic. "I don't even know how to use this," she said, turning up her nose. "Well, you better figure it out because we gon party like it's 1999 up in here."
                       
She was crying. "I miss my friends. I need them." I rolled my eyes, "Write them a letter. That's what I did when I was your age."

She's accepted her fate and has learned how to use the radio and CD player. We were out and about today and stopped by a thrift store that had a bunch of CDs. "Ohhhh! Mom, can I get some CDs?" They were a buck so I said she could pick out a few. These were her selections:

                    
                           
                
                 

She has good taste in music. I hope she enjoys them because it's just her and that CD player until the end of the school year. As soon as the school year is over, we are leaving the country. I can't wait - I need it.