Recovery

   

The other night, my husband and I were laying in bed, looking at our devices and generally ignoring each other. I know- Marriage Goals. I was scrolling through Facebook when an article that a friend posted caught my eye, "Women Need A Year To Recover from Childbirth, Study Finds." I read the headline to my husband. He chuckled and without skipping a beat replied, "Or in your case, you need 12 years."

I was a little bit triggered.
                  
Then I thought about it and I realized that he is right. Which, I will never admit because that is just something that I don't do. But think about it - a year to recover physically, mentally and emotionally? That's it.

The definition of recovery is as follows:
    1. return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.
      2. find or regain possession of (something stolen or lost)

Have I returned a normal state of health, mind and strength? No. I haven't. Not that I ever claimed to have ever possessed a normal state of anything at any point in my life, but you catch my drift. You certainly never regain possession of your life.

As a society, we are getting it all wrong. Why do we have this expectation that we will "recover" at all? What does that even mean? Why do we even set up the expectation that life will ever go back to what is "normal"?

Let's face it, soon my youngest daughter will be 11 years old and I would say that I am physically "recovered" from childbirth but it's not the same. I have stretch marks on my calves (and thighs and tummy), my boobs are kind of sad and deflated, my body shape is different, no matter how many kegels I do, things will always be more.....accommodating.

I have not slept well in 13 years. My kids didn't sleep through the night until well over a year, my youngest had night terrors, my oldest was sleep walking for a while, at least once a month someone in the house was sick and required care in the middle of the night, as of late I wake up from worry. I am up at 6 am on weekends to usher my children to various events and activities. I have a sleep deficit so large and so immense, I fear it might never be repaid.

Your marriage changes. There are no leisurely afternoons of piano playing, your attention that was once 100% on each other shifts to another human being and that is HARD. The spontaneity in your relationship becomes replaced with practically and your lover is now somebody's mom or dad. It's just different.

Your money is no longer yours. Disposable income shifts from dinners out and things that you want to diapers, strollers, co-pays....and later cell phones, Converse shoes, band fees. You go without to make sure your little person has everything they need. Your bank account certainly does not recover.

I'm not meaning to sound negative about the whole thing. Sometimes people tell me, "I read your blog and now I don't want to have kids." That is not my intention, to make parenthood seem horrible. It's not horrible but it is HARD. Sometimes I wonder what it would like to have a great body or not spend all of my money on kids or get a good night's sleep consistently or have alone time with my husband. I'm sure it would be great.

BUT, I truly enjoy my children. They sometimes can make life very difficult and they are at a tough age but I genuinely like them as people. They are fun, funny and insightful. I like to hang out with them. I made my own people to hang out with - that's pretty badass. Sure, the PARENTING part of being a parent sucks but the KIDS are fantastic.

Because my kids are older people ask me when it gets easier (surely my life looks easy to a mother chasing toddlers all day). I hate to lie. "It doesn't. This is your life now." It does get better in some aspects, but not easier. If you hold onto this fantasy that one day your life will go back to how it was before you had children then you are destined to always be dissatisfied and unhappy in your role as a parent. Being a parent is all-encompassing. Your life belongs to somebody else....forever.

My point is that there is no "recovering" from having a baby really. You just find a new normal. Then when you settle into a routine, your child changes and then you find a new normal again. My children are starting to transition into the teen years and we are currently discovering a new normal.

Instead of trying to go back and "recover" we should celebrate what is. The clear ending of one chapter and the clear beginning of another. My husband was right, but that's okay. He's still recovering too.