Losing Weight

I have been living in crazy- middle-school-mom hell-the past few weeks. It's been so darn busy. Do I always say that? Have I been saying that for years?

I mentioned previously that I had some health problems this summer. I've been having gallbladder-like attacks for the past 14 years. They are infrequent- about once every 3 months and they last about 45 minutes. I think I'm going to die, but I don't and then I go on with life. I never went to the doctor about them because I'm terrible and never go to the doctor.

I had an attack in July that lasted 3 hours before I finally broke down and went to the ER. I saw a GI specialist. They thought I had gall stones but my scans and ultrasounds came back fine. I was tested for celiac which was negative. I could be having esophageal spasms but they are hard to diagnose and they want me to be on anti-spasmatics and PPIs daily.
                                    
I'm 33 years old. I am not taking medicine daily for a non-life threatening condition. I'm a terrible patient.

Because I've had this issue since forever, I know certain foods can trigger it and I am more likely to get them if I eat really large meals. So, I decided I am going to make some lifestyle changes.

I know what I should be eating. I studied human nutrition in college, I did nutrition counseling for a living even.  Therefore, when I make poor eating choices, I do that with full knowledge that I'm making a bad decision. I'll eat something and be like, This has soooo much sodium. It's so bad that it's good....

My last attack gave me an aversion to food, so cutting my portions has been easy. I also decided to limit carbs and sugar and go to the gym 3 days a week. I always go once a week, so that wasn't new.

For the past 2 years I have gained and lost the same 5 pounds. I go between 129-134. I did gain some weight in Italy so I was almost up to 136. I don't think I look bad at 136 at all but I think my ideal weight is 126.

The day I decided to get my sh*t together with my diet, I laid in bed with my husband and told him my plans.
"I'm going to eat healthier and lose some weight."
"What do you want to get down to?"
"I think my ideal weight is 126," I said.
He paused, "No. I would say it's like, 123."
              
I didn't even realize that this man still had standards. "You like me skinny?"
"I think you look fine however. I just think your IDEAL weight is 123."

In his defense, I did weigh under 100 pounds when we got married. I was also an adolescent so I don't think that can be used as a baseline.

We decided to play a game. You should play this with your spouse- it's eye opening. We google imaged "good looking women" and scrolled through and he had to say "yes" or "no" to whether or not he found the body type attractive. I was shocked. I always assumed my husband liked this:


But really he likes this:


I was really surprised. So, then it was my turn. We googled "good looking men."

My husband assumed I'd go for this:



But this is what I really like:

        
I'm not into muscles. I like beards, bald heads, and strong arms and shoulders. Basically, if my husband lost 50-60 pounds. I don't like pretty boys. I like a MANS man. A guy with a beard, who smells like Old Spice and shaving cream, who has a great sense of humor, a decent job and enjoys sitting on the couch eating pizza and watching movies. A guy who could wrestle a bear and chop wood and keep me warm at night. Basically, Grizzly Adams. My type is Grizzly Adams.
                              
So, we both learned a lot about each other. Mostly, that my husband has very high standards and that I have very low standards.

He said that he was going to lose 60 pounds and I was going to lose 12. So we embarked on this adventure. I did really well. I really was not that hungry and had few cravings.

I didn't totally restrict. If I wanted half a doughnut, I'd eat half a doughnut. I mean, what is life without food?

I did go to the gym more. I hate to exercise. Hate it, but I did it. I'm not a gym rat. I only will do 45 minutes. I do 15 minutes of weight lifting and 30 minutes of cardio. That's my limit. The gym is the funniest.

I'll always be on the elliptical, with my jiggly mom butt, sweating, looking like a hot mess and some 22 year old will show up and get on the machine next to me like:
                    
Really? Come on. Do you have to be next to ME? Look, you're cute but I'm not impressed. You're 22-of course you look good. All of your body parts are still in their original location. Now if you gain and lose 50 pounds a few times and push some human beings out of your vagina and you still look that good - THEN I'll be impressed.

I didn't even look good when I was 22. I'd just given birth to my second child. I existed on a diet of sleep deprivation, leftover mac and cheese, and quiet desperation. This is as good as it gets for me.

I also like watching buff men lift weights. There is always a group of them standing around chatting as they take turns on the weight bench. I imagine that they are bragging to each other about how big their balls are:
My balls are so big. Like, as big as my biceps. 
Well, mine are definitely bigger. Like two apples- Granny Smith apples.
No way - mine are the biggest.

It makes me giggle. I have to entertain myself somehow while I'm running. That's what it's like to live inside my head, in case you were wondering. haha.

Once I got on a roll, the weight came off pretty quickly. I got down to 122. That is the lowest I'm willing to go. If I lose 1 more pound I'm going to be looking gross.

I've been on maintenance for about 10 days. I was so excited to eat carbs again. Not a lot, just some. My body has decided that I can't eat anything unhealthy. Seriously, it sucks. My body is like, Do you know what would go good with that cheeseburger? Diarrhea. 

So, I'm eating avocados and nuts to boost my calories. BORING. I'd rather be eating bread and cheesecake. Whatever. They say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels but that's bullsh*t. Whoever said that never ate lasagna in Florence.