It's here again - Christmas time. I stopped anticipating the holidays years ago, they come so quickly. I swear we just HAD Christmas and yet here it is again. I enjoy this time, it's my favorite time of the year.
I usually don't go Black Friday shopping but my kids tricked me this year. They put on a ruse that they had to get birthday presents for their friends. When I came into the house at the end of the day loaded down with bags, my husband looked at me sideways. "What happened?" I shrugged. "I told the kids they could get ONE thing, but at like, 10 stores." I had regrets.
The next day, it was time for the Thanksgiving decorations to come down and the Christmas decorations to go up. I have so many things - figurines, trinkets, nutcrackers, snowmen and Santa Clauses. I decided to pare down this year, to be more simple. I did lots of garlands and just a few things.
The elf permanently sits atop my golden reindeer on the mantel. My husband hates the reindeer. He thinks it gaudy and terrible but that's my buddy and he STAYS.
I love these angels that my daughter drew when she was in 1st grade.
My kids made these from their tiny fingerprints.
I looked at all their pictures with Santa. There is a stack, 12 years worth. The last time they both went to visit Santa was in 2014. We went in 2015 on Christmas Eve because I was a big-time slacker that year and it was a 3 hour wait. In 2016 my youngest decided that she was too old to visit Santa. So, the picture of the two of them in 2014 is sitting on my shelf. They were in matching outfits, sitting on Santa's lap, smiling. I didn't know that was the was the last time they'd go see Santa together.
When I was growing up, it was our tradition to decorate the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve but I LOVE seeing my decorated tree up all month long so we decorate within the first few days of putting it up. We always light a fire and have cookies and roast marshmallows and watch a holiday movie after.
I often talk about my hodge podge ornaments. We have so many- from family milestones, from my grandparents, from our travels.
The year I was born!
This is our "Japan" ornament. I have no idea what it says. It probably says, "Poop In My Butt" or something obscene.
In all it's glory.
The next morning, I was up before everyone. I sat on the couch and drank my coffee by the glow of the Christmas tree. I admired all of my ornaments and I thought of all of my Christmases. When I was 18, I visited my grandfather at his beach house. It must have been Memorial Day. I had dinner with him that night. I was graduating soon, getting married, moving far away. He went into the attic and he gave me a box. I didn't open it until I got back home. It was Christmas ornaments that belonged to him and my grandmother. God! I miss him so much. He's been gone 10 years this year and my heart still aches for him.
I spent my first "married" Christmas in Oklahoma with just my husband and I. I hung my grandparents ornaments on my tiny, $10 pipe cleaner tree. It made me happy.
I reminisced while I admired my tree and I wondered about which ones I would gift to my children when they grow up. My oldest will get the silver flute and my youngest the gymnastics girl. Maybe I'll let them pick ONE other ornament they want from my collection that reminds them of their childhood. Then, I decided we would start a NEW tradition this year.
On Christmas Eve morning, after breakfast, I will take the girls out and I'll let them each pick out their own ornament. We'll mark them and hang them on the tree before bed and add them to our collection. We'll do this every year until they have a home of their own. On that Christmas, when I go to decorate my own tree - I will set their ornaments aside and I will gift them to my daughters to start their own collections. I think that will be nice.
On Saturday night, we had a rare evening to ourselves. Our house is usually full of children on the weekends so it was a nice reprieve. My youngest was sleeping over a friend's house and my oldest had a birthday party. We decided to wander around the bookstore and enjoy a cup of coffee together. We used to do that often before the children came. We'd hang out at Hastings every Saturday. I never go to the bookstore anymore. I only buy books on Amazon or pick them up from the library.
We browsed through the aisles. They keep all the sex books under a section entitled LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE which made me chuckle. I wandered into the parenting section, they have 10x's more books on potty training than they do on raising teenagers. Should be the other way around, to be honest.
I found myself in the children's section - walking past books my children used to love. Strega Nona, Pinkalicious, Madeline, No David, The Little Engine That Could.... When I was pregnant with them, I brought more children's books than onesies. We used to read to the kids EVERY NIGHT. Those were some of my favorite times. After their baths, curled up next to me in their pajamas, reading the three books they picked out. I should have given their books away to kids that don't have books but I just couldn't bear it. I have boxes and boxes of the kid's books in my attic (with a few treasured toys). One day, when they gone and I have accepted it and turned the bedrooms into guest rooms - I'll get a new bookshelf and bring them out again.
After perusing the children's section, I found my husband again and we ordered coffee. I also had a warm caramel toffee cookie. He read a book about the founding of Rome, I choose an astrology book. I am a true Aquarian.
There were 2 older couples sitting near us. I leaned into my husband, "Is this going to be us every Saturday night when the kids are gone?" I asked.
He didn't even look up from his book, "Probably," he said taking a sip of his coffee.
I felt strange for me to be there with just him, relaxing, enjoying coffee and a book. It's like it had always been this way. Like the years between then and now were merely a dream. I'm not really sure how I feel about this time.
This feeling that the children are here but that their childhoods are gone, the holidays without the delight of young children, this push and pull between the past and future when I really only want to exist in the present. I am not joyful but I am not sad. I feel calm, but beneath the surface I am fragile.
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