Everyone broke up in November, at least in the kid-world that I'm living in. My youngest daughter broke up with her girlfriend of 5 months (yes, I said GIRLFRIEND and yes, I'll write a whole blog about that), my oldest daughter's best friend broke up with her boyfriend, and her best guy-friend broke up with his girlfriend, even my daughter and Hollister Boy broke up. That break-up only lasted about 2 days but it did happen.
There have been a lot of tears and I've sat and listened and offered bowls and bowls of ice cream. I'm always fascinated that the young people want to be in relationships. Relationships are infinitely difficult. But they serve a purpose, they are a learning experience. I don't think that teenagers really need to be in relationships. They should have fun, be selfish, experience a variety of people. I'm a hypocrite. I was a teenage bride. You have your entire life to tethered to someone else.
I picked up my daughter's friend after her breakup and when she sat down in my car and she looked melancholy. "Can we listen to sad love songs?" she said. "I have some songs for that," I told her. I have PLAYLISTS for everything. You have a broken heart? I've got a playlist for that. You need to get motivated to get out of bed? I have a playlist for that. You pooped AFTER you got out of the shower and now you are filled with disgust and shame? I've got a playlist for that. Just kidding. For real though, if you poop after you get out of the shower, you are a serial killer.
So I played the ultimate sad love song- Nothing Compares 2 U (I Can't Make You Love Me is a close runner up.....and Skinny Love by Birdy....ugggghhhhh I'm crying right now) and she looked out the window. Then she ranted a little and she asked me, "Why do grown ups think that we can't be in love. Like they'll say, 'You're only 14, you're too young to be in love but they don't know how we feel.'" I chuckled, the kids all think that, that we can't POSSIBLY know how they feel.
Anyone who is physically mature can "fall" in love. Falling in love is simply a chemical reaction, it's all in your head. It's dopamine, estrogen, testosterone, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. Do I think teenagers can be in love? Sure- in the way that they understand love to be. And really, who are we to hold that against them? In some ways young love is the best kind of love. Young love is hearing every love song on the radio and seeing that other person in your head, it's passing notes (or text messages nowadays), it's the way they smile when you walk into the room, it's the way your heart starts beating fast when they hold your hand and stealing kisses when no one is around. It's being drunk on this paralyzing hormone cocktail.
I think young people love more completely because they are blank slates. There is no baggage, mortgages, children, ways that have been set from a life lived. They live in the moment. The future is so vague and far off. They are hopeful and they believe in love in a way that many adults just can't. They believe in the MAGIC of it all. It's kind of like Santa. But young love is a reflection of adolescence- it's intense, tumultuous, larger than life, and fleeting.
They also can suffer a broken heart. It's a rite of passage. The teenage heartbreak. You must sit in the shower and cry, and listen to sad love songs and cry, and eat ice cream and cry. You will not want to get out of bed and you will hope the ground swallows you. Then you must get angry and rip up the notes and all the pictures you took together (or delete the text messages and the Snapchats), call friends and obsess for hours about all the good times and bad and what went wrong, then you get dolled up and hope that they notice you when you pass in the hallway, and you hug other boys in hopes that they will get jealous and realize what they are missing. Then you will cry some more and eventually that terrible pain in your chest will begin to lift and that person will just become a memory. A character in a chapter in your book that has already been read.
I imagine this is the same thing boys do but with slightly less crying. It's hard, it sucks but it's necessary. We all learn these lessons. Part of our jobs as parents is to help them understand how the world works but love is such a fickle thing. I don't have any real answers. You can give someone the best years of your life and they can leave you. Love often fades. The thing that makes you feel most alive can also make you want to disappear. Love is so easily given but it is also so easily taken away. It is fragile. Maybe that's what makes it so special. That it is risky and when it lasts, rare.
I think the best thing to do is to love yourself. If you love yourself, you are a better partner. You are not looking to be saved or completed. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you love yourself, no matter what happens - you can be okay. The best thing I know to do is to love myself and to love their father. I try really hard because I know they are watching.
The two of us know about young love. We survived it, by some wonderful miracle.
The other night, I was in bed rubbing Aquaphor on my crusty ass feet. Seriously, I need to take a cheese grater to my heels. My husband was sitting next to me, playing a video game. I was working on the bottom of my feet and I said, "Ewwww...come feel this scar on the bottom of my foot." He refused. "I've felt that scar already." I protested, "C'mon, it feels so gross." He laughed, "Seriously, I don't need to feel it. I know every bruise, scar, mark on your body."
I thought he was actually full of it. "Oh yeah? Well, how many moles do I have on my back?" I asked. He didn't look up or hesitate, "Three." I went into my daughter's room and I lifted up the back of my shirt. "Tell me how many moles I have." She looked at me like I was a weirdo but she counted them. "Three."
I went back into my room with tears in my eyes and I stood in front of my husband. "I have three moles on my back," I said. "Yeah, I know," he replied with a smile. "You love me," I said. "Of course," he replied, matter of fact. I leaned over and kissed him. Even though our young love was magical it could never compare to THIS.
No comments:
Post a Comment