It's Almost Christmas Again

  
Well, here we are again. It's 3 days until Christmas and I'm ALMOST ready. I have finished my gift shopping. I'll do my big grocery trip tomorrow. Last night my husband turned to me and asked, "Are you ready to spend 2 solid days straight in the kitchen?" Hahaha. He is not even lying.

This is the second year that the kids don't believe in Santa. It makes the Christmas season different somehow. It just FEELS different. Not bad, maybe a little less stressful. We don't have to do Elf on the Shelf anymore- BLESS UP. Although, whenever Hollister Boy comes over, he moves the elf. I don't know why he does this, maybe because he never had an elf. It is a little fun to track him down, so I can now appreciate the appeal of it for young children. We still do all the Christmas-y things that we always do. The kids were excited to get their Disney Advent calendars and once a week, we light a fire and roast marshmallows and watch a holiday movie together. Last night we watched a Muppet Christmas Carol and we sang along to the songs together. Tonight we will go out to dinner and go see the lights, which is a yearly tradition.

The kids really do like doing these things. They don't roll their eyes or protest. I think it brings back some of the magic for them. It links their childhood to the present. It's so weird when the kids reminisce about the years behind them. "Mom, do you remember when I was little and.....?" or "When I was a kid...." I gives me pause because to me they are still KIDS, but the don't see themselves that way.

Christmas is expensive and the older the kids get, the more expensive it is. Don't even ask me for a damn Apple watch, or an Apple laptop, or some $300 hoverboard. Ugggggh. Both my kids have iphone Xs though, so I actually am a piece of shit.

I am usually really good and I buy a lot of stuff ahead of time and this year was no different, but we literally got pummeled this year. So going into December, I had my budget and was good to go. Then I got a phone call from my daughter's dance studio reminding me that we owed $225 for costumes for the May recital. We pay this every year in December but my daughter hasn't danced since last June so I literally just forgot. Then we had to put down $150 for summer camp. Then we found out we would have to travel for a gymnastics meet, then the battery died in my car and I had to replace that to the tune of $160.

I sat down and wrote everything out and looked it all over. I will not take any more money out of my savings account. Not after the air conditioning unit and damn cat surgery. I don't give a f*ck if we have to eat rice and beans. I generally don't stress about stuff like this. We are faithful.
                              
So I prayed on it and decided that I was going to sell all the sh*t laying around in my house. If we haven't used it in 3 years, I sold it. We had an iPhone 6, perfect condition, in it's original box, just sitting in the closet. Why?!?!? I actually purged a lot of stuff from my house. I donated and threw away a lot of stuff too. It's a good thing to do to prepare for the New Year, anyway.

I sold enough stuff to cover ALL of our "extra" expenses. 
               
I'm am literally not keeping up with the Joneses, there is no magical pot of money, there is no unlimited credit. I don't care what other people think. If you invite me out and I'm trying to pay for camp, or go to Mexico, or buy Christmas, or be stay at home mom.....I will say "no". I will never over-extend myself.

Besides getting ready for Christmas, I've been dealing with health issues. I have a cardiac issue that was diagnosed about 8 years ago. I was having bad tachycardia and passing out. I have an arrhythmia that originates from the upper chambers of my heart. At that time, I went through all kind of tests. I had a holter monitor for weeks, EKGS, echos, an MRI study of my heart....my heart beats irregularly but the structure of my heart is good. I have a leaky valve but that is not the cause of my arrhythmia. At that time, they didn't "do" anything. I just have to be careful about what I do. I have to limit my caffeine intake and I have to NEVER get dehydrated. I try not to over exert myself. I'll never run a marathon but I can do moderate exercise. If my heart beats fast or palpitates, I drink a BIG container of Gatorade or Powerade. I've done great for 8 years. Haven't had issues.

Well, last month, for whatever reason, I started to have heart palpitations out of the blue. For 2 days, I was having 60-70 a day. To a normal person, that sounds alarming but if you break it down, it's only like 3-4 an hour. I felt fine otherwise- no chest pain, no shortness of breath, no light headedness or passing out, my heart RATE is normal.

So, I took extra care to relax, drank a shit ton of Gatorade and BANA water, stopped drinking alcohol completely (I usually have 3 glasses of wine a WEEK), started an additional potassium supplement, limited my coffee fro 12 oz to 8 oz and my palpitations decreased to 10 a day, to 5 a day. I've still been having a few everyday but I have no other symptoms and I FEEL good.

I haven't seen my cardiologist since 2011 and I went for a follow up this week because even though I don't feel like I'm going to die, my heart beating irregularly for this long warrants a trip to the cardiologist. He was so funny. "Does it make you feel anxious?" he asked about my palpitations. 
I shrugged, "Not really. I have no other symptoms. I feel good. I could have just gone to the ER and they would give me fluids and potassium and stabilize me and then would tell me to follow up with my cardiologist. I've know how this works. So I just decided to give myself fluids and potassium and follow up with my cardiologist." He laughed. "That's probably true." My EKG looks good and I'm not in immediate danger. He does think that I may have had a viral infection and because I have an arrhythmia it may have presented with palpitations and that might be a life-long thing. I had some blood work done on Monday at my new primary doctor so we are going to wait to get that back before we do any other tests.

My heart is not the only thing wrong with me. My sh*t is f*cked up. I was diagnosed with RA at 23 after 7 years of consistent joint pain. I have a GI issue. I will randomly have tinnitus and nephropathy in my fingers. I have this weird ice pick headache that lasts 30 seconds and originates from my temple and shoots through my head. I have severe fatigue, sometimes muscle pain. I get hives randomly. My symptoms have come and go through the years, they vary in severity. I have been diagnosed with everything under the sun it feels like, or mostly doctors will THINK I have some issue but my tests and blood work are always normal. I don't look "sick enough" so many times I get dismissed. I have not seen a primary doctor in 6 years because really, I'm done. Either I'm told it's all in my head or they are trying to prescribe me heavy-duty medicine like Humira or Loratab. Ummmmm......no thank you.

I manage my own symptoms. If I'm having a lot of joint pain, I take ibprofen. I try to eat very clean and healthy. I drink a lot of water. I take supplements for nutritional support. I HAVE to get 8-9 hours of sleep at night. I try to pace myself and not over-do it. If I know I'm going to have a period of time where things are stressful, I clear my schedule as much as possible the following week to make sure I can re-cooperate.

With my cardiac issue acting up again, I have re-established with a new doctor. I'm at a holistic practice because I need a change. They tested for nutritional deficiencies as well as Lymes disease and co-infections associated with it. That is like, the only thing I've never been tested for. I don't go back until January 7th.

In spite of this, I have never considered myself sick. I don't. I'm consider myself well, with a few issues here and there. This is my normal. I have had joint pain every day for a long as I remember. I try not to complain and people really would never know. My husband is the only one who REALLY knows because he's seen me crawl into bed at 7:30 pm with crushing fatigue, or soaking in the bathtub because I am so sore and achy, he's retrieved ice packs, and heat pads and ibuprofen. He has picked up my slack at times when I have really not been well.

In spite of this, I have lived a very full life. I have thrived. I have done all the things I've wanted to do. I haven't let it stop me. It's certainly slowed things down but that's okay. I don't want anyone to worry about me or feel bad for me. F*CK that. I don't feel bad for myself. My life is good and I have been blessed. Hopefully, I'll get some answers soon.

Anyway, I need to go clean out my fridge and get my grocery list together because I'm about to spend 2 solid days in the kitchen. Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Coming Out

                     
                         *I have written this post with permission from my daughter*

My original intention was to post this on coming out day. That was October 11th and it is now December 12th. That's how my life goes.

My 12 year old daughter is gay. At least she says that she is and I have no reason not to believe her. We knew it may be coming for quite some time. When she was in fourth grade, she told us, "I haven't decided if I want to marry a boy or a girl when I grow up." To which I replied, "Well, you aren't getting married for quite a while so you have lots of time to figure it out."

And as time went on, things became more clear. In the middle of sixth grade, we were in the car driving to gymnastics. We were chatting and she said to me. "It's girls. I like girls." It was kind of out of the blue and not related to the conversation. "That's okay," I told her. "But, mom, do you want me to like boys instead?" she asked. I thought about what she was really asking me and I thought about how I felt deep in my heart. "The only thing I want is for you to be happy." That is 100% the truth. I was not sad, upset or disappointed. That was that. There was little fanfare about the whole thing.

In the time since, we have talked about it a lot. Gay people don't always lead easy lives. People can be unkind. I have done the best I can to prepare her for that. We talk a lot of finding people who are going to love and support her and how to be okay with who she is. The truth of the matter is, some people are going to judge you and be rude no matter what. I was a 19 year old pregnant white girl who was married to a Puerto Rican. Believe me, if I would have allowed myself to be crushed by the weight of other people's judgements, I'd be Flat Stanley by now.

It is not a secret, but I don't necessarily advertise it either. People's reactions are often, "Why didn't you tell me?" To which I reply, "I don't think it's relevant." If you ask someone about their kids they don't say, "Well, little Johnny likes baseball - he's also straight, by the way." So why should it be any different? People always have LOTS of questions and comments about it. Here are some of them:

So did you know? Were you upset?
I suspected. I wasn't upset. It changes nothing about my daughter, my relationship with my daughter, or my family at all.

Do you support this?
If by support this do you mean, do I love and support who my daughter is? Then yes. I support not being a dick. We don't fly a pride flag outside our house or think there are 64 genders but we are generally non-judgemental of people based on their race, religion and sexual orientation.

Wow, you're lucky that she would be so open with you. 
We are open people. Our kids know that we love them no matter what. We don't want our children to fear us and they can come to us for ANYTHING. As much as possible, we try not to keep secrets and be honest with one another. We are not perfect, but we strive for this.

She doesn't seem gay. 
She doesn't have short hair, or dress like a boy, or listen to Melissa Etheridge or watch Ellen. She doesn't plan to move to Vermont and convert an old barn into a house and wear flannel and overalls and run a raw milk farm. But she still could be gay.

Do you think it's a phase?
I am taking her word for it. It's how she feels at this point in time. I have chosen not to minimize her feelings. Surely some kids struggle with their sexuality and are confused about it. I do not know what will happen in the future.

What was your husbands reaction?
Honestly? He was not upset or disappointed either. It takes a lot of worries off of his shoulders. He was a teenage boy once upon a time. There is that saying, "If you have a son you only have to worry about one penis but when you have a daughter you have to worry about every penis." Well, if you have a lesbian daughter, you don't have to worry about any penises. Silver linings, people, silver linings.

Are you worried that other parents won't let their kids hang out with your daughter?
Kind of. I think there are some parents that think there is such a thing as gay contagion. If there are parents that wouldn't want their child to be around mine for that reason, than that is too bad for their child. Because my daughter is kind, funny, incredibly smart, creative, talented, loyal, all around amazing person, and a good friend. She is like every other 12 year old girl. She just happens to like girls. That doesn't define her.

This parenting gig is not easy. We all have dreams and wishes for who we want our children to be and how we hope that their lives will turn out. Our children have their own dreams, their own wishes and their own lives. I try to remember that. I am here to teach them, to keep them safe, to love them, to help them grow into functioning adults. I want them to love themselves and be okay with WHO THEY ARE.

One day, I hope my daughter finds someone who loves her and treats her good. If that happens to be a woman, I will throw them a big-ass wedding and I will put two brides on the top of the cake. They might adopt some babies from China and I will buy those babies seersucker outfits and books and stuffed animals and I'll post pictures on Facebook and I will be HAPPY AS A CLAM. If other people don't like it? I will give exactly zero f*cks.

It's been a little bit of an adventure. She had a girlfriend for a little while. I think they got together because they are the only girls that like girls. hahaha.

I know I'm getting judged over here. Like, who lets their 7th grader have a girlfriend/boyfriend? Fun story. I had lunch with my daughter on Friday. I sat with her and her friends. The girl who sat across from me who I've known since she was in the 2nd grade, was the sweetest little thing. Now she is taller than me and was wearing mascara and lip gloss. She told me about her boyfriend. "I'm not allowed to date but I don't care. My parents don't have to know." I don't know this child's parents. Which is surprising, because I know a lot of parents. I looked at her and said, "What happened to you child?" To which she replied, " A LOT." The boy next to me piped in, "Yeah! School and puberty!" I was straight up like:
                     
                                     These 7th graders really be out here.

 So anyway, yes, my daughter had a girlfriend that I knew about. She would come over on Wednesdays after school. I'd get them slushies and we'd have family dinners and they'd sit on the couch and watch TV. Sometimes we'd go out somewhere together. It was fine. Unless they were holding hands. Then, I would be freaked out.

In my defense, I also get freaked out when my oldest and Hollister boy hold hands. I hate it.
                                
                                     Stop putting your fingers between each other's fingers. 

Holding hands is a gateway drug. One day you are holding hands, then before you know it you have your tongues in each other's mouth, and then next thing you know you are in the backseat of a station wagon on some remote part of Route 49 and it's already 5 minutes past your curfew and now your going to be grounded for 2 weeks but it's kind of worth it but low-key not and you are wondering how you even got here in the first place.....HOLDING HANDS. That's how. Anyway, I'm just projecting now. Also, that is a completely hypothetical situation that I would know absolutely nothing about.

Seriously though, do you know how nerve wracking it is once your kids mature? It's like sending them out into the world every day with a loaded gun. "Can you put that thing in a safe? Because if you play with it and it accidentally goes off - it's going to ruin all of our lives."  
                        

Bless the boys. Some of them are just off the chain at this age. Do you think the fact that my daughter is publicly gay has stopped the boys? No. No it hasn't. She came home a few weeks ago and was like, "Oh my God! Mom, my friend said that one of her guy friends wants me to have his babies." SEVENTH GRADE PEOPLE!!!! What is wrong with the kids these days? When I was in 7th grade, boys would flash condoms at you but they never wanted to trap you with a baby. What the hell?!?!?!

This other boy, bless him, just loves her and he has been trying so hard. "I finally just had a heart to heart with him and gave it to him straight. I said, 'You can't like me. It's never going to happen. You have to find a girl that likes boys." hahaha. The struggle is actually real.

The years ahead of us should be interesting. I am happy though. I am proud of my daughters and love them NO MATTER WHAT. That is my coming out.

Love is a Burning Thing

Everyone broke up in November, at least in the kid-world that I'm living in. My youngest daughter broke up with her girlfriend of 5 months (yes, I said GIRLFRIEND and yes, I'll write a whole blog about that), my oldest daughter's best friend broke up with her boyfriend, and her best guy-friend broke up with his girlfriend, even my daughter and Hollister Boy broke up. That break-up only lasted about 2 days but it did happen.

There have been a lot of tears and I've sat and listened and offered bowls and bowls of ice cream. I'm always fascinated that the young people want to be in relationships. Relationships are infinitely difficult. But they serve a purpose, they are a learning experience. I don't think that teenagers really need to be in relationships. They should have fun, be selfish, experience a variety of people. I'm a hypocrite. I was a teenage bride. You have your entire life to tethered to someone else.

I picked up my daughter's friend after her breakup and when she sat down in my car and she looked melancholy. "Can we listen to sad love songs?" she said. "I have some songs for that," I told her. I have PLAYLISTS for everything. You have a broken heart? I've got a playlist for that. You need to get motivated to get out of bed? I have a playlist for that. You pooped AFTER you got out of the shower and now you are filled with disgust and shame? I've got a playlist for that. Just kidding. For real though, if you poop after you get out of the shower, you are a serial killer.

So I played the ultimate sad love song- Nothing Compares 2 U (I Can't Make You Love Me is a close runner up.....and Skinny Love by Birdy....ugggghhhhh I'm crying right now) and she looked out the window. Then she ranted a little and she asked me, "Why do grown ups think that we can't be in love. Like they'll say, 'You're only 14, you're too young to be in love but they don't know how we feel.'" I chuckled, the kids all think that, that we can't POSSIBLY know how they feel.

Anyone who is physically mature can "fall" in love. Falling in love is simply a chemical reaction, it's all in your head. It's dopamine, estrogen, testosterone, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. Do I think teenagers can be in love? Sure- in the way that they understand love to be. And really, who are we to hold that against them? In some ways young love is the best kind of love. Young love is hearing every love song on the radio and seeing that other person in your head, it's passing notes (or text messages nowadays), it's the way they smile when you walk into the room, it's the way your heart starts beating fast when they hold your hand and stealing kisses when no one is around. It's being drunk on this paralyzing hormone cocktail.

I think young people love more completely because they are blank slates. There is no baggage, mortgages, children, ways that have been set from a life lived. They live in the moment. The future is so vague and far off. They are hopeful and they believe in love in a way that many adults just can't. They believe in the MAGIC of it all. It's kind of like Santa. But young love is a reflection of adolescence- it's intense, tumultuous, larger than life, and fleeting.

They also can suffer a broken heart. It's a rite of passage. The teenage heartbreak. You must sit in the shower and cry, and listen to sad love songs and cry, and eat ice cream and cry. You will not want to get out of bed and you will hope the ground swallows you. Then you must get angry and rip up the notes and all the pictures you took together (or delete the text messages and the Snapchats), call friends and obsess for hours about all the good times and bad and what went wrong, then you get dolled up and hope that they notice you when you pass in the hallway, and you hug other boys in hopes that they will get jealous and realize what they are missing. Then you will cry some more and eventually that terrible pain in your chest will begin to lift and that person will just become a memory. A character in a chapter in your book that has already been read.

I imagine this is the same thing boys do but with slightly less crying. It's hard, it sucks but it's necessary. We all learn these lessons. Part of our jobs as parents is to help them understand how the world works but love is such a fickle thing. I don't have any real answers. You can give someone the best years of your life and they can leave you. Love often fades. The thing that makes you feel most alive can also make you want to disappear. Love is so easily given but it is also so easily taken away. It is fragile. Maybe that's what makes it so special. That it is risky and when it lasts, rare.

I think the best thing to do is to love yourself. If you love yourself, you are a better partner. You are not looking to be saved or completed. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you love yourself, no matter what happens - you can be okay. The best thing I know to do is to love myself and to love their father. I try really hard because I know they are watching.

The two of us know about young love. We survived it, by some wonderful miracle.

The other night, I was in bed rubbing Aquaphor on my crusty ass feet. Seriously, I need to take a cheese grater to my heels. My husband was sitting next to me, playing a video game. I was working on the bottom of my feet and I said, "Ewwww...come feel this scar on the bottom of my foot." He refused. "I've felt that scar already." I protested, "C'mon, it feels so gross." He laughed, "Seriously, I don't need to feel it. I know every bruise, scar, mark on your body."

I thought he was actually full of it. "Oh yeah? Well, how many moles do I have on my back?" I asked. He didn't look up or hesitate, "Three." I went into my daughter's room and I lifted up the back of my shirt. "Tell me how many moles I have." She looked at me like I was a weirdo but she counted them. "Three."

I went back into my room with tears in my eyes and I stood in front of my husband. "I have three moles on my back," I said. "Yeah, I know," he replied with a smile. "You love me," I said. "Of course," he replied, matter of fact. I leaned over and kissed him. Even though our young love was magical it could never compare to THIS.