Coming Out

                     
                         *I have written this post with permission from my daughter*

My original intention was to post this on coming out day. That was October 11th and it is now December 12th. That's how my life goes.

My 12 year old daughter is gay. At least she says that she is and I have no reason not to believe her. We knew it may be coming for quite some time. When she was in fourth grade, she told us, "I haven't decided if I want to marry a boy or a girl when I grow up." To which I replied, "Well, you aren't getting married for quite a while so you have lots of time to figure it out."

And as time went on, things became more clear. In the middle of sixth grade, we were in the car driving to gymnastics. We were chatting and she said to me. "It's girls. I like girls." It was kind of out of the blue and not related to the conversation. "That's okay," I told her. "But, mom, do you want me to like boys instead?" she asked. I thought about what she was really asking me and I thought about how I felt deep in my heart. "The only thing I want is for you to be happy." That is 100% the truth. I was not sad, upset or disappointed. That was that. There was little fanfare about the whole thing.

In the time since, we have talked about it a lot. Gay people don't always lead easy lives. People can be unkind. I have done the best I can to prepare her for that. We talk a lot of finding people who are going to love and support her and how to be okay with who she is. The truth of the matter is, some people are going to judge you and be rude no matter what. I was a 19 year old pregnant white girl who was married to a Puerto Rican. Believe me, if I would have allowed myself to be crushed by the weight of other people's judgements, I'd be Flat Stanley by now.

It is not a secret, but I don't necessarily advertise it either. People's reactions are often, "Why didn't you tell me?" To which I reply, "I don't think it's relevant." If you ask someone about their kids they don't say, "Well, little Johnny likes baseball - he's also straight, by the way." So why should it be any different? People always have LOTS of questions and comments about it. Here are some of them:

So did you know? Were you upset?
I suspected. I wasn't upset. It changes nothing about my daughter, my relationship with my daughter, or my family at all.

Do you support this?
If by support this do you mean, do I love and support who my daughter is? Then yes. I support not being a dick. We don't fly a pride flag outside our house or think there are 64 genders but we are generally non-judgemental of people based on their race, religion and sexual orientation.

Wow, you're lucky that she would be so open with you. 
We are open people. Our kids know that we love them no matter what. We don't want our children to fear us and they can come to us for ANYTHING. As much as possible, we try not to keep secrets and be honest with one another. We are not perfect, but we strive for this.

She doesn't seem gay. 
She doesn't have short hair, or dress like a boy, or listen to Melissa Etheridge or watch Ellen. She doesn't plan to move to Vermont and convert an old barn into a house and wear flannel and overalls and run a raw milk farm. But she still could be gay.

Do you think it's a phase?
I am taking her word for it. It's how she feels at this point in time. I have chosen not to minimize her feelings. Surely some kids struggle with their sexuality and are confused about it. I do not know what will happen in the future.

What was your husbands reaction?
Honestly? He was not upset or disappointed either. It takes a lot of worries off of his shoulders. He was a teenage boy once upon a time. There is that saying, "If you have a son you only have to worry about one penis but when you have a daughter you have to worry about every penis." Well, if you have a lesbian daughter, you don't have to worry about any penises. Silver linings, people, silver linings.

Are you worried that other parents won't let their kids hang out with your daughter?
Kind of. I think there are some parents that think there is such a thing as gay contagion. If there are parents that wouldn't want their child to be around mine for that reason, than that is too bad for their child. Because my daughter is kind, funny, incredibly smart, creative, talented, loyal, all around amazing person, and a good friend. She is like every other 12 year old girl. She just happens to like girls. That doesn't define her.

This parenting gig is not easy. We all have dreams and wishes for who we want our children to be and how we hope that their lives will turn out. Our children have their own dreams, their own wishes and their own lives. I try to remember that. I am here to teach them, to keep them safe, to love them, to help them grow into functioning adults. I want them to love themselves and be okay with WHO THEY ARE.

One day, I hope my daughter finds someone who loves her and treats her good. If that happens to be a woman, I will throw them a big-ass wedding and I will put two brides on the top of the cake. They might adopt some babies from China and I will buy those babies seersucker outfits and books and stuffed animals and I'll post pictures on Facebook and I will be HAPPY AS A CLAM. If other people don't like it? I will give exactly zero f*cks.

It's been a little bit of an adventure. She had a girlfriend for a little while. I think they got together because they are the only girls that like girls. hahaha.

I know I'm getting judged over here. Like, who lets their 7th grader have a girlfriend/boyfriend? Fun story. I had lunch with my daughter on Friday. I sat with her and her friends. The girl who sat across from me who I've known since she was in the 2nd grade, was the sweetest little thing. Now she is taller than me and was wearing mascara and lip gloss. She told me about her boyfriend. "I'm not allowed to date but I don't care. My parents don't have to know." I don't know this child's parents. Which is surprising, because I know a lot of parents. I looked at her and said, "What happened to you child?" To which she replied, " A LOT." The boy next to me piped in, "Yeah! School and puberty!" I was straight up like:
                     
                                     These 7th graders really be out here.

 So anyway, yes, my daughter had a girlfriend that I knew about. She would come over on Wednesdays after school. I'd get them slushies and we'd have family dinners and they'd sit on the couch and watch TV. Sometimes we'd go out somewhere together. It was fine. Unless they were holding hands. Then, I would be freaked out.

In my defense, I also get freaked out when my oldest and Hollister boy hold hands. I hate it.
                                
                                     Stop putting your fingers between each other's fingers. 

Holding hands is a gateway drug. One day you are holding hands, then before you know it you have your tongues in each other's mouth, and then next thing you know you are in the backseat of a station wagon on some remote part of Route 49 and it's already 5 minutes past your curfew and now your going to be grounded for 2 weeks but it's kind of worth it but low-key not and you are wondering how you even got here in the first place.....HOLDING HANDS. That's how. Anyway, I'm just projecting now. Also, that is a completely hypothetical situation that I would know absolutely nothing about.

Seriously though, do you know how nerve wracking it is once your kids mature? It's like sending them out into the world every day with a loaded gun. "Can you put that thing in a safe? Because if you play with it and it accidentally goes off - it's going to ruin all of our lives."  
                        

Bless the boys. Some of them are just off the chain at this age. Do you think the fact that my daughter is publicly gay has stopped the boys? No. No it hasn't. She came home a few weeks ago and was like, "Oh my God! Mom, my friend said that one of her guy friends wants me to have his babies." SEVENTH GRADE PEOPLE!!!! What is wrong with the kids these days? When I was in 7th grade, boys would flash condoms at you but they never wanted to trap you with a baby. What the hell?!?!?!

This other boy, bless him, just loves her and he has been trying so hard. "I finally just had a heart to heart with him and gave it to him straight. I said, 'You can't like me. It's never going to happen. You have to find a girl that likes boys." hahaha. The struggle is actually real.

The years ahead of us should be interesting. I am happy though. I am proud of my daughters and love them NO MATTER WHAT. That is my coming out.