I'm Not Sick, but I'm Not Well

On this week's edition of WTF.....No, really, I've been through the ringer this week. My daughter turned 16 last Sunday. We tried to make it special for her. We told her that she could have a small-less-than-10-people get together. We rented a party bus and they went to get tacos and then went downtown and had gelato at the Harbor and took pictures. Then they came back to the house and played games and had cake. Her friend's mom owns a bakery so she had this lavender cake with edible pearls. It was really cute. It was a good day.
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Sunday was her actual birthday, and that is when shit really hit the fan. I woke up early to bake a cake and cleaned up. She was not in a great mood on her actual birthday, so that was a whole thing. My husband was annoyed. I tried to just be normal. I went downstairs to ice the cake. I was almost finished applying the pink icing and when I turned the cake, it literally just slid off the counter and exploded.

I went upstairs, defeated, to inform him that I was going to the store to pick up a cake. He was playing a videogame and I noticed it raining inside. I looked up and there was water coming from the ceiling - right above where both of our workstations and computer stuff is. We sprung into a mad dash - moving computers and monitors and all the things. 

We went into the attic and the air conditioner was leaking. Thankfully, our neighbor who installed it came over and discovered the issue and it was an easy fix but the attic and ceiling needed to be dried out and now we have to repair the damage. Which, let's be real, we're not going to do for a hot minute. 

Then my husband and daughter got into an argument. It was less than ideal. 

The next day, I had a massage scheduled. I needed it. I go once a month to a chiropractic office in North Charleston. I really like the therapist and I needed it after the day prior. I got there a few minutes early. I figured that I would sit in my car and answer emails for a few minutes. There was a man pacing the parking lot. I was vaguely aware of him but he wasn't bothering me. Then he stood 5 feet away from my car and just stared at me through the car window. I was spooked. I went to turn on my car to leave and he walked off. At that point, I just decided that I would go in and wait in the lobby. 

I walk up to the front door and I could see someone kind of standing in front of the door. I went to open the door and it was locked but this person's head turned and I came face-to-face with a lady with CRAZY meth eyes. Like, frightening. I was like:

I jumped and ran out to my car and hauled my ass out of there. I called my husband and was like. "I can't be 100% sure, but the think the people in the chiropractic office are being murdered right now." I explained what happened and he was like, "You need to call the police." I decided to call the office first and the front desk lady was like, "It's fine, the police are here, you can come back." Ummmmm.....Hell Naw. I found out later that the man pacing the parking lot was the boyfriend of the crazy meth eyes lady and they were walking down the road and he was about to beat her up and she ran into the office and they locked her in. North Charleston Soap Opera Things. 

After that, I went to the store to pick up some stuff for my daughter's serpentine belt. I get home and I apply the stuff on the belt and it worked. But when she took the key out it locked up the gear shift and the car didn't turn off. The shift release didn't work, the ignition was locked up. This has been happening periodically the past few months so we just decided to call it. 

I called to have it towed to the dealership, which thankfully is only 2 miles away. I told the man on the phone that the car could not shift gears. He's like, "That's fine." He showed up two hours later and is says, "We need to put the car in neutral." I said, "That's impossible." He looked at me like I was a stupid woman, "How am I going to tow it?" F*ck if I know, you are the towing person. I gave him the keys and he tried in vain to shift the car out of park. It wasn't happening. "I'm going to have to drag it onto the truck." Great. He hammered these shoes under the tires and dragged it up. I followed him to the dealership. 

He attempted to get the car off of the truck and, let me tell you, it was a process. All the service people were watching and it took almost 15 minutes to "ease" the car off the truck. Then, I went into the service center and they reminded me they couldn't even LOOK at it for a week. Which, doesn't matter really. It will just push the car bill into August. I usually do back-to-school shopping in August but I don't need to do that this year so it should even out. 

The next day, I got up and was trying to take down the birthday decorations and clean. My oldest yelled down the stairs that she was having an issue that sounded like a kidney infection. It wasn't an emergency but it was a we-need-to-go-to-urgent-care right now kind of things. So, I took her to urgent care. It was full of covid people so we sat in the corner for almost 3 hours until we could be seen. 

They brought us back and they were like, "Here is your covid test." Yeah, um, we actually don't need that. They were like, well we need to rule out covid and pregnancy. My daughter was so triggered. hahahaha. Nothing prepares you for that as a parent. I feel like anytime we go into urgent care for anything, that is something they check off the list. I could show up with my kid and say, "She fell down the stairs and is bleeding from her head," and they'd be like, "Okay, but we have to rule out pregnancy as a cause." We waited another hour and they prescribed her an antibiotic for an infection. When they closed the door she said to them under her breath, "Told you I wasn't pregnant biiiiiiiitch." I was like, "Can you not say bitch with the drawn-out i in my presence? Thanks!"  

I went home, made dinner, went to get her medicine and by the time I got home it was late. The next day was jammed packed with errands. I had so many "things" come up that I was way behind. I had to go to the grocery store because I had no food in the house. I had some meetings and commitments I needed to wrap up for the boards I was formally on. I literally was not home all day. But I got done what I needed to do, 

The next day, I was dedicated to cleaning my house and doing all my laundry. It was bad. That's what I did. I cleaned the shit out of my house. I was all done. I loaded the last plate into the dishwasher and ran it. Then water started pouring from the bottom of the dishwasher. I was triggered.

My husband offered to fix it but he had worked all-day. I told him I'd fix it in the morning. I had the same issue with it a few years ago when he was in Texas for a few weeks. It had a clog and I had taken it apart and fixed it all by myself. I felt confident about it. 

The next morning, that's what I did. I drained it and took it apart and cleaned out the clog. I was covered in disgusting dishwasher water, but it was fixed. I went to run a quick errand afterward and then I made myself lunch. After lunch, I decided I was going to spend the rest of the day relaxing on the couch. I was going to watch trash TV and play my game. I needed it. I had been on the couch for 15 minutes when I hear my husband urgently calling for me. I ran upstairs and my daughter was on the floor. He was trying to get her to stand up and she was screaming out in pain. She could not stand. 

"Pick her up and put her in the car. I'm taking her to the Medical University," I said. I started giving instructions to my youngest while I gathered some sweatshirts and bottled water. "I need her shoes, a phone charger and the medicine on the counter." She did what she was told to do. What a great kid. 100% helpful and amazing. 

We are so fortunate to live so close to an amazing children's hospital. I never take them there unless I am really concerned. In 13 years of living here, between 2 kids, I've only been 4 times. One of those time was an almost-weeklong stay with my youngest a few years ago. Thankfully there was no traffic and I got downtown in 14 minutes. I was zooming. The peds ER has moved, which I didn't know. I haven't been to the ER at the Med U in 5 years. A safety officer saw me turn around and she pulled up next to me. She said to follow her to the new ER entrance and I told her I was alone with my daughter and needed a wheelchair. 

I followed her to the entrance and someone came out with a wheelchair right away. She sobbed and screamed out in pain just getting from the car into the wheelchair. I just left my car in front of the hospital. I walked next to her and the man says, "Don't worry, we'll get you right down to labor and delivery." Bruh, for what? For her to give birth to a kidney stone? "Please take us to the pediatric ER." 

They were so great. We were in the non-covid part so there was no one there. They got us back right away. They gave her morphine which helped considerably. They did all the things that they do. They started and IV, took blood. Ordered imaging. I camped out in a chair and watched TV and we waited. They did an ultrasound of her kidneys and a UA. Her antibiotic they prescribed earlier in the week was not working and they suspected that she may have small kidney stones. They have her IV antibiotics and discharged her. We got there at 3 and left at 9:45pm. At that point, she was comfortable and we had a plan and an idea of what was going on, so I was relieved. 

We got in the car and I realized that I was STARVED. I hadn't eaten since noon and she hadn't either. It was late and the only thing I could think of that was open was Taco Bell. I pull up and ordered the only thing I like from TB, shredded chicken tacos. It was really slow. I think the workers were passing the dutchie between orders or something. We finally got our food and went home. When we opened the bag, my daughter said, "Ummm....this isn't our order." We ordered 4 tacos and there were 12 beef tacos. I don't like beef tacos from there. It kind of reminds me of wet dog food. I was so hungry, I ate the wet dog food tacos. I had to laugh. It was like an Alanis Morissette song...."It's like 12 beef burritos when all you need is a chicken taco....." LOL.

I woke up this morning a little scared, not going to lie. I had relax on the couch and drink coffee. Then, I got the text that her medicine was ready to be picked up. I got into the car and turned on the radio and Christmas music was playing. Then they were talking about the reindeer social distancing and all the elves wearing masks and I was super confused. 

Not sure what planet I'm living on right now. I feel like I'm living in some weird, shitty alternate universe. Surprisingly, I feel mostly okay. These are things that I can fix. I can fix a car, I can get my child medical attention, I can buy a cake. So, in the grand scheme of things, it's okay. Wish we hadn't crammed it all into one week but it just be like that sometimes, as the kids would say. 

I feel like my faith and mental fortitude is being tested. I'm trying to stay positive. Thoughts become things. I still have a whole lot to be grateful for. I think it will all work out. 

Sweet 16

When my oldest child was born, I was 20 years old. I was in awe of her. She was this creature that I had made and she belonged to me. It kind of freaked me out. She slept the first day but on the second day, she woke up. She cried and cried. I didn't know what to do with her. How to make it better. But then I figured out, that if I just put her on my chest, and laid her head over my heart, she was calm. I have to laugh now, because even 16 years later, it is still like that. Except that she doesn't lay on my chest- that would be weird. 

Sixteen is such an interesting age. It's like being on the cusp of adulthood, which is right around the corner. It is thrilling and terrifying all at once. There have been a lot of milestones this year. She got her driver's license which has been exciting for her. Although, I felt bad because it was just a few weeks before the shutdown. Imagine being 15 with a driver's license and your own car and nowhere to go. 

The thing I like best about my daughter is that she has a big heart. She is a million times a better person than I am. If she sees a homeless person, she will buy them food. She was super active in the Joy Club this year. If a friend is having a hard time, she will show up with Starbucks and a kind word. That's just who she is. She is highly empathetic and in a lot of ways I think that makes her an amazing person. In some ways, it will make life difficult for her. The past few months have been exceedingly difficult and she has been incredibly brave. It is hard to have a big heart when the world is full of disappointment and uncertainty. 

She started buying plants. Every day, she gets up and waters them. She painted her room and rearranged things. Letting the sun in and keeping a living thing alive has been good for her. 

We are incredibly close. Although, sometimes she hates me in the way that teenage daughters should. Anything else would be unhealthy, I think. She will come home and say. "So-and-so told me not to tell you.... People always say "Don't tell your mom," before they tell me anything, but I don't know why. I'm going to tell you." hahaha. We do talk a lot, about big things, small things and heavy things. She tells me a lot but she doesn't tell me everything. Thank God. I don't want to know everything. 

She isn't around a lot. She is busy working and hanging out with friends and her boyfriend. But I want that. That is normal. But she is still comes to me at the end of the night and sits on the edge of my bed and tells me all the things. That is a gift. 

At 16, she is pulled in 2 directions. She is being propelled into the future and all the wonder and uncertainty that it brings but she is also yearning for the comfort and familiarity of childhood. And dealing with life being turned upside down because of the pandemic on top of it all. I am confident that she will find her way and figure out where she is supposed to me. I am so proud of the young woman that she has become and I love her more than life itself. Happy Birthday, my girl!

All my dreams, it suddenly seems

The news came on a rainy Tuesday afternoon. It was unexpected for early July. The email that my daughter would not be going away to school until January. MAYBE in January. I'm not counting on it. Imagine watching your child for years having a dream. Years of auditions and a lot of hard work and finally - achievement! Then watching it crumble before your very eyes. There are no words to describe it really. Sorrow, disappointment, and devastation just scratch the surface. I am absolutely fucking destroyed.

I have felt my soul leave my body a handful of times in my life and it did on that day. That was it - the final thing that we were holding out hope for. That is gone. I can't tell you one thing that I am looking forward to. Not one thing, not a single day in the future. There is no hope here. Only survival. My husband won't go back to work until the spring. MAYBE. Who knows about my freshman. I'm not hopeful.

This pandemic has brought me to my knees. I am not the same person that I was 6 months ago. I am a shell of who I was. I used to so happy and easy-going. I had a zest for life. I just don't anymore. I try to pretend that I do, for the sake of my children. But they know deep-down that I am not the same. I don't think any of us are really.

But I am not consumed by darkness and sadness, which is surprising even to me. There is no darkness here. Just bright red anger. I am so angry. I want to scream, to pull dishes out of the cabinet and throw them again the wall. But I don't do that. I walk and listen to hard rock. I don't even cry anymore. What's the point? I have no tears left.

I can't see other people. I find myself disillusioned by humanity. The other day I was talking to my friend and I couldn't even process what she was saying. I didn't even care. I don't want to see anyone that I know. Because then they'll ask me how I'm doing and then I'll have to lie and say that I'm fine. Then they will talk to me and I'll just stare at them dumbly because I'm not in a state where I can give a shit about other people.

Or, I can tell them the truth. But I won't because I only talk about my feelings to people that I pay and I that I don't need to see on a regular basis. People to be well-meaning and try to offer insight but nothing makes it better. No, I can't look at the silver lining. No, I can't see the positives. It's like someone handing you a shit sandwich and saying, "But look, it's on hand-crafted artisan French Bread." I don't accept it. It doesn't help that we are all in this together. Just because we are all in hell, doesn't make it any less hot.

I also don't want anyone to feel bad for me or pity me. I hate that. I feel like people I know, know that I am not dealing well with any of this and they give me this look like they feel bad and don't even know what to say to me. I fucking hate it so much.

I don't want to do anything virtual. I don't want to meet my kid's teacher's virtually. I don't want to attend meeting virtually. Ummmmm.....just send me an email with bullet points, thanks.

I have limited my social media. Even the memes don't make me laugh anymore. I hate people posting about covid. I mute them. The worst ones are the "I'm wearing a mask for YOU!" declarations. Okay, Mother Theresa, calm down. You are so great and righteous. I don't wear a mask for other people. I generally don't like other people. I don't even really wear a mask for myself. My ill-fitting cloth mask is doing very little to protect me. I wear a mask mostly because I have to and because I don't like getting shamed and so I don't need to smile at people when they walk by. I'm certainly not wearing a mask for Susan who has been standing in front of the coffee aisle for 5 minutes and I just want to reach around her and grab what I need but I can't because of social distancing.

The only good part about wearing masks is that I can pretend I don't recognize people I know in public. I rarely go anywhere but if I do, I pray I don't see anyone I know because I can't possibly carry on a conversation. Sometimes I have to and it EXHAUSTS me. I have some commitments that I HAVE to attend to but those will be done by July 23rd. For the first time in 10 years, I won't be serving on any boards. Good. I'm tired of volunteering and helping other people. I'm only helping my immediate family and myself for now on.

I know this all makes me sound like a shitty person. It's because I am. But you know what? At least I'm not a shitty person that pretends not to be. At least I'm self-aware about it, and in a way, doesn't that make me less shitty?

I am really feeling the pull to go inside of myself. I am taking a vow of solitude. I won't see anyone. I just can't. For how long? I don't know. Until I get to the other side of my anger. I don't know how long that will take. January? Until my child goes away to school? Until the pandemic is over?

I need to take this time to just be with my family and channel my anger into something creative and productive. To try to turn the shit to gold. In times of crisis, it's the only thing I know how to do to survive - to bury myself in solitude. And to pray. A lot. God speed!

My Sweet Girl

My youngest daughter turned 14 on Thursday. I don't know where the time has gone. She is grown into a beautiful young lady. There is not a hint of child left in her. It is bittersweet. 

She has really matured a lot this year. There have been a lot of changes. It has been almost a year since she quit gymnastics and she has certainly struggled to find something to fill the void that it left. Gymnastics was such a huge part of her life for so long that it wasn't an easy transition. 

She did marching band, which she hated (but liked a LITTLE). She ran track this year. Her first and last track meet was the Wednesday before school closed due to the pandemic. It was a beautiful day in March and we watched her in her track uniform, running with the long pole in her hands and propelling herself into the air. I thought about how brave she was. To try something new, to put herself out there. 

She is not my child that likes change. She doesn't like uncertainty. But she did it. She is the kind of person, that even when things are hard  - she marches on. She appears stoic on the outside, but she is actually very sensitive. She loves the world and other people but she mostly likes being alone. She is content being by herself with a book or a show. 

She is wickedly smart. Always has a witty comeback and is has an amazing, sarcastic sense of humor. She loves skincare. She has a whole skincare routine and is always asking me if there are chores she can to earn money for whatever serum she has her eye on. She does have beautiful skin. 

She loves all things vintage. She adores music from the 50s-90s. She loves antique shops and things that are unique, things that have history. She just redid her room and it is a wonderful mix of vintage furniture and bright and cheerful accessories. A huge departure from her middle school room. Middle school is chaotic- she was ready to move on from that time. 

Every morning she wakes up at 6:30 am. She does yoga, she meditates and then she comes down and has a cup of peppermint tea. The past few weeks she has been doing a creative writing masterclass. She is a very old soul. I said to her a few months ago, "Oh to be young!" and she replied with, "I wish I felt young!" 

She is not like other kids her age. She doesn't have Tik Tok, she doesn't care very much for going out, she watches Twin Peaks and listens to Doris Day. But in some ways she is very much like a typical teenage girl. She likes clothes, and wants to feel smart and pretty, and has lots of questions about the world.  

She is excited and nervous about starting high school. She is especially nervous about not starting high school at all. She is excited to get a job. She is planning to apply at Chikfila within the next week. She is hoping her sister can get her an "in." She'll be driving next year. It really does take my breath away.

When she was a little girl, I always joked that I couldn't sit down, because the moment that I did, she would be in my lap. She was my snuggle-bug. She would climb my like a jungle gym and rest her blonde, wispy, curly hair on my chest. I carried that child on my hip until she was in the third grade and her teacher told me it was weird. hahaha. 

She went through a stage in middle school where she hated everything, including me. But my girl has come back to me. We are close. We spend our days together and just hang out. Even now, if I'm sitting down on the couch alone, she will come and sit right next to me. There could be 4 open seats but she is right there. She hugs me and laugh together. She loves to cook with me. If I'm working too much she'll say, "Can you just take a break and hang out with me?" I love that she still wants to be around us and hang out. I hope it stays that way. 

These 14 years have gone by so fast. If there is anything I would want her to know, it's that she is a gift to our family. She has taught me so many things. How to be patient, how to have fun. She is so dear to me. I love that child to the moon and all the way back home.  

There are Dreams that Cannot Be

Next Thursday, I was supposed to get on a plane and fly to Paris for my daughter's 14 birthday. We were going to explore the city, and have croissants, and a fancy dinner. We'd sing Happy Birthday over creme brulee. Then we were going to take a river cruise to see the Eiffel tower lit up at night.

Our next stop was Verona for 3 days. I rented an apartment in the ancient city walls with a beautiful view where we could sit and have coffee in the morning. 

We were going to go to Juliet's balcony and visit Castelvecchio. I even brought opera tickets in the Colisseum in early March. You can buy a gelato and watch the show. 

Then we were going to spend 4 days in Venice. We'd visit galleries and basilicas. We'd eat pasta and take a gondola ride. 

Then we were going to get on this ship:

We'd have stops in Greece. We were going to visit the Acropolis in Athens, and ancient ruins in Olympia - which would have been during the time the Olympics were happening. We were going to enjoy the sights and beaches in Santorini. 

We had two stops in Croatia. Split and Dubrovnik. My oldest was going to turn 16 in Dubrovnik. We would tour the city and she was excited to order wine for lunch.

We had a long layover in Frankfurt on the way home, almost 24 hours. We were going to meet up with my daughter's friend who was an exchange student freshman year and my husband was going to show us his favorite spots since he's been there a few times. 

We were to be gone for 17 days. Just our family. Enjoying each other, soaking in the food, art and culture. It was a once in a lifetime trip. We'd been planning it for years. Since 2018. We scrimped and saved and put money aside religiously. It was paid for, hotels were booked, excursions planned, countdowns begun......that dream is dead now. 

The death of this dream has been difficult for me and I don't like to talk about it with other people because I can't. Because it's shitty. People are legitimately suffering so I know me crying about my 17 day European vacation being canceled is terrible and awful. Like no one feels bad for you, except for other people that got their European vacations canceled. 

I can't even talk about it with my husband. He gets really triggered about it. "You realize that you are crying because you don't get to go to Italy AGAIN?" First world problems. I don't want to hear "You'll get to go someday." Honestly, fuck someday. Someday when? Time and resources are not unlimited. There are other places I want to go, things I want to see. I'm angry. Enraged really. Not at anyone or anything in particular. Just the entire situation. I am MAD.

So, I booked a therapist appointment. I paid someone to cry to them about my European vacation being canceled. That is the most "Karen" thing I've ever heard in my life. I sat on her couch and sobbed. That is the only time that I didn't feel bad about it. 

Now the time is here. We made it to July. As we get closet to date we were supposed to leave, the more I just want to jump out of my skin. I was doing dishes the other day and I longed to throw a plate against the wall and just watch it shatter. I am MAD. 

My girls have birthdays coming up and I am trying to make them as special as possible. They aren't really looking forward to them anymore. They barely asked for any gifts. I told my youngest that we could go to Rue de Jean. That's the closest we will get to French food, maybe we can pretend we are in Paris. My oldest will have dinner with friends. They are disappointed and there is nothing I can do to take that away. 

Now the news is ripe with impending school closures and event cancelations, and I don't know how much more of this we can possibly take. A normal life is like a dream now. It's like after you have a baby. After only a month, you forget what life was like before. You vaguely remember it, but it's this intangible place that you'll never experience again. That's how this is, except instead of a baby you only get disappointment and heartache. 

I wish that I could just fall asleep and wake up when all this is over. This time feels wasted anyhow. I am MAD. 

I wanted so much more than this. For myself, for my children. I need to pull into myself and try to find the joy. It is the only way I will get through the month of July. When this all started, I'd say to myself - April will be better, May will be better....I'm not even willing to tell myself that anymore. I can't possibly get my hopes up. 

This blog post is so damn emo. I just need to get it off my chest. It is what it is. Well, I guess I'll go eat my feelings now.....